My Personal Space

It’s really strange how there are some people, for good or ill, that you’ll just innately reognize.  Whether you want to or not . . .  She was in my store today.  It just figures, too.  I was looking over entries in here last night, because Shannon wanted to know where that movi survey went, and I was reading over a lot of my entries from April and May.

::Sighs::  Yeah, I was dumb to read them, but you know something?  I don’t think I was dumb in my actions.  Even though I was up against opposition, I did the best I could.  I didn’t let what others thought faze me that much, though I did consider what they were saying, and thought on new angles because of it.  And I don’t regret any of my actions.  I do feel I did the absolute best with everything I was given.  And I was given a lot of sh*t.  The good memories that I have with him don’t change the fact that I was quite miserable a good deal of the time.

I hate to admit it, but in the long run, no, he wasn’t much of a friend to me.  He was secretive, he was cryptic, and he was manipulative, among other things.  Not to mention that he broke countless promises to me, and he did lie to me.  Heck, he lied to me multiple times.  Because every time he claimed he was going to renew my lost faith in him, be better at communication betwen us, he didn’t.  I don’t think he meant it as a lie when he said it, but it turned into a lie, time after time, through his inaction.

I think the worst part is that I still care about him.  I still miss him.  But looking over those entries was a slap in the face to me.  Because friendship isn;t about one person chasing the other down, and wanting answers to questions that never should have needed to be asked.  It’s not about someone not being able to stand up and say that yes, this person is a friend.  It’s not about constantly hiding, being run down, being miserable, having promise after promise broken.  Friendship is supposed to have mutual respect between the two parties, and . . . I have none left for Jason.  After that time in April when he insisted to me that I could count on him being out of there again if his parents went back on their word.  Because they did.  And he didn’t leave.  He accepted the bait and got caught on the hook once again.  If he was ever fully off it to begin with, which I doubt.

I lost almost all repsect for him there, and lost it further in May.  He didn’t gain any back in September/October the few times I was up there because he didn’t uphold his word.  He claimed he’d note me.  He never did, expect for one “Um… hi.”  After that, nothing, even though he said there’d be ones.

::Sighs::  Any other person, I would absolutely hate for doing this to me.  I would despise them, I would loathe them, I would never want their name mentioned around me again.  But Jason . . .  I was right.  I can’t hate him.  And in some ways, that absolutely kills me, because I know that somewhere in me is the hope that in a year and a half, or however freakin’ long, he’ll contact me.  I know me, and I know I’m gonna be stupid enough to keep wishing for it, and hoping that one day, a phone call, or E-mail, or IM will come, and I’ll probably be semi-hoping for it for the rest of my life.

And I don’t even know why I would hope for that, either, because when you get down to it, we had some really great laughs, but it wasn’t a healthy friendship.  It certainly wasn’t an even one.  Despite how much I bugged him for information and asked questions of him and all that, he always took more from me than I got from him.  He took my time, he took my love, he took my heart . . .

Well . . .  No.  I gave him my heart.  Maybe that’s part of what kills me.  He still holds it, to a degree.  Not until I take it back, fully, can I move on, and not have a part of myself holding back, lingering in a doorway that I don’t truly believe he’ll walk through again.  It isn’t that I don’t wanthim to.  It’s just that everything in me except for that lingering hope says that I’ll never see him again.