My E-mail To Dolly

All I know is that she left me notes and I got the general gist from skimming a couple of them. I didn’t read them all and to be honest, I don’t want to. It’s immature, selfish crap on her part and I’m sick of it. So I wrote this E-mail in reply. After this, I’m done. I don’t know if her, Bobby, and Zeb intend to come up to NJ and NY anymore, but if they do,l all I can say is that if we see one another at all, it’s not gonna be for more than a day. I’m sick of getting accused of this kind of crap and I’m just flat-out not dealing with it anymore.

As I said in my hand-written note to you, you have no right to judge anything about me and Rob. You don’t live with him. You don’t see him 24/7. You’ve seen him for not even a week and are condemning what you think my behavior is towards him, what with your bias towards me of not even considering the possibility that I’ve changed in the past eight years.

In addition to that, you were the one who showed exactly how selfish and spiteful you are by not having the decency to say anything to either me or Pam before the night before we left. I can’t speak for her, but you made me feel like sh*t, and I’m tired of constantly feeling that way because of you imagining these times when I’ve "left you behind" or "abandoned you." Has it ever occured to you that more often than not in the times you talk of feeling "abandoned" and all that crap, it’s because you left the room? You didn’t think that I would work to make things better if you’d said something before? Fine. As I said, you’ve already proven to not even be willing to acknowledge the possibility that I’ve changed in eight years. But why condemn Pam the same way? You didn’t give her any credit to that end, either.

Frankly, thanks to everything that you said that last night, I thoroughly regret coming. Again, I can’t say if this is true for Pam, but with everything you said, you proved that me coming meant absolutely nothing to you. And I’m sick and tired of getting blamed for things that you perceive as "all my fault" when you have no true grasp on the entire situation.

If all I would get back from this E-mail is defensive bitchiness, save it. I don’t want to hear it and I won’t read it. If anything can be learned from that visit, I’d say if we’re any kind of friends, we’re better long distance ones than in-person.

SageKinsale

November 5, 2007

Look, I apologized for having not said anything earlier. You’re right, I should have. But, even you have to admit, you’re always kinda dragged me along and then left me somewhere, asked me to leave rooms so you could have private words with someone for “5 minutes” that would turn into 5 hours. And yes, I left the room, because I was horribly annoyed that any time I would try to say something…

…not one person would hear me, you were so preoccupied with my computer. Yeah, it was pretty childish, but I kept hoping you’d notice and maybe follow me out, sensing something was bugging me. I didn’t say anything, because I wasn’t being heard and I didn’t want a mess like this one on my hands during my wedding. I would acknnowledge a change in you if you were displaying one, but all I see

is the same melodram that’s always been there. You taking an honest opinion and making of it a dagger to your heart or an ultimatum. No, I don’t live with Rob, but I’m entitled to think it’s shitty of you to dump the guy, but still call him your b.f.; more or less act like you hate him, but make your mom pay to bring him to my house for my wedding/vacation. Why shouldn’t I say I think he…

deserves an apology for the way you’d been treating him? You don’t think playing yo-yo with someone’s emotions and abandoning them (more or less) amongst strangers is treating someone like crap? That’s fine–we’re all entitiled to differing opinions; I do, though. I didn’t mean for my comments to become all this, okay? I love you, all I wanted was maybe some acknowledgement that maybe you..

.behaved poorly, or maybe you just weren’t paying any attention when you should have, as I acknowledged that, Yes, you’re right; I should have mentioned how I was feeling waaaaaaaaaay sooner than I did. How many times do I have to apologize for being a coward? And how many times do I have to state my point about the Rob thing before you actually get the real, rather than imagined, meaning in it?

As for Pam, I’ve apologized for not having said something sooner and she had the good grace to apologize for the two of you not noticing you were leaving me behind in everything. To be honest, I thought this was all done with and we’d made up that very night–I had credited you for not making it more than it was, that that was a change from our past fits. But, you did anyway, after the fact.

“you were the one who showed exactly how selfish and spiteful you are by not having the decency to say anything to either me or Pam before the night before we left.” Hello? This whole argument is because I did have the decency to talk to you the night before you left, because I didn’t want you to leave with me angry toward you. Before that? I couldn’t even get you on the phone–for some reason

Rob was carrying Pam’s phone. I tried to get you to meet me for lunch so I could talk to you while at faire and all I got was voice mail, and unanswered text messages. I actually thought you were both ignoring me, and that made me more hurt and angry.

Okay, ya know what? Just ignore all these other notes. I think maybe you’re right. I’m such a complete jerk. I don’t think you’re 100% right, but maybe 50%. I think a lot of all of this is stemming from the fact that I’m still, somehow, a little girl cowering in the shadow you don’t even realize you cast. I hope you can forgive me. I don’t think I could, were I you, though.

But I wasn’t condemning you for the behavior you may have toward him while I’m not around to see, that night; just for how it seemed while you were here. If you look at yourself objectively, even you would have to admit it wasn’t very good. The other condemnations came later, here, and were only anger-at-misappropriated-and-third-party-judgment fueled. And were very wrong of me.

Okay, I’m done now. Hate me as you will, just know I do a good enough job of that for both of us, so said hatred would really be just a ridiculous waste of energy.

^^Yeah, okay, I’ve read her notes and she needs to grow up. Admit her faults, apologize, and move on. ~