My Decision For My Situation

I was thinking about my whole situation earlier today.  I admit, last night, I was really feeling freaked out.  I’m still not ready to talk to him.  And what made it worse was that he messaged me on MySapce again and said that he just wanted to drop a line because he was thinking about me and had a good time last night and hopes we can do it again sometime.  Then he wrote "::KISSES::" and his name.

What I want to tell him is this:

Dan,

Hey.  Okay, look, I gotta be honest with you.  I’ve been thinking about last night, too.  And the more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I am with how things went down.  I don’t regret meeting you or hanging out at IHOP and all, but it seems to me that you think it’s inevitable that we’ll become a couple.  I don’t mean to disappoint you, but that’s not gonna happen for several reasons.  First, you smoke; I’m allergic.  And even if I wasn’t, I value my lungs too much to destroy them with second-hand smoke.  Second, like I told you before we met up, I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now.  I’m still dealing with issues from my ex and getting into any sort of more-than-friends relationship would be a step back for me when I need to move forward.  And I know, you could probably say so we won’t do a relationship, we could just hook up.  But hooking up is meaningless to me.  It’s not something I’m interested in.  Third, I’m not sure if you were implying that you’d want to get me in bed, but it felt that way.  I’m a virgin, and I intend on staying one until marriage.  Cuddling is one thing, but the cuddling you seemed to be implying was minus all clothes.  While I *might* be willing to do that with someone I know well and am in a relationship with, I’m not gonna do that with someone I’m meeting for the first time whose last name I don’t even know.

I’m not trying to offend you with this, I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me.  You mentioned your ex tried to change too many things about you too fast.  I don’t think you’re trying to change me, but I think you’re hoping for things that I’m not willing/interested in doing.  I think you’re a cool guy.  It was fun hanging out, but I think relationship-wise, we’re looking for two very different things.

Kate.

The only thing I’m afraid of is that he won’t take me seriously.  That he’s the type of guy who, instead of respecting my wishes, will read this and think, "Okay, I just need to try harder."

I don’t think, as one of my noters said, that he’s a creep I should automatically drop.  I’m willing to give him a chance, but this message is his only chance.  He shows he’s not listening to it, then I will drop all contact.

Thanks for the people who did note me/talk to me about it.  I appreciate your input and for listening(reading) to me freaking out.

In other news, Melanie and I went to see P.S. I Love You tonight.  It was really good.  And funny.  I’m glad that I’m able to hang out with her and Lexi.  My friendships to them really mean something to me.  I realized that in the past I would more or less give up in friendships.  I didn’t want to put the work in that it took to keep them alive.  Or when I did, the other person didn’t.  Or it seemed like whether I cared and made an effort or not, it didn’t matter to the person.

I might not have a huge amount of friends, but the ones I have are awesome.  Ryan, Melanie, Lexi, they’re pretty much my three best friends.  And Rob and I are still on pretty good speaking terms.  He’s actually moving out of my house and back to his parents.  I think, at least as far as our communication, it’s a good thing.  I hope it’ll be good for him, but I guess time’ll tell with that.  And I have some people I talk to online, like Nicole from here, FloridaFlower, once in awhile Krystle (though it’s been far too long!), and all in all, I’m actually happy.

It’s good to have finally let go of things with Mike and everything that implies.  I admit, when I think about it, stuff still pisses me off, but not the way it used to.  I mean, I came to this conclusion recently:  Mike should thank me.  Because I made that mistake of doing more than kissing and accidentally made him think we were definitely gonna get back together and then told him no, we weren’t, he got over me and FINALLY moved on with his life.  He was forced to stop being so damned dependent on me.  He got out of my house and I was free to go on with me life, without him.  It’s not his fault it took me this long to truly get over him.  But since I am, I’m really appreciating the people in my life and am extremely grateful to those who’ve stuck by me and listened to me whine and bitch and cry, both in person and over this diary, through the entire journey.  Or whatever parts you were there for.

I’m nowhere near as innocent, I’m a Hell of a lot more cynical, but you know what?  I’m wiser.  I’m smarter.  I’m more experienced.  I know what I don’t want in a relationship and I know what I don’t want to do in a relationship.  I might still be clueless about what I DO want, but hey, I’ve got half of it down, and that’s something, right?