Looking Over The Past Hoping It’ll Help The Future

I know I’m no one special in the eyes of Misery, that cruel and taunting tormentor.  And I know that people will tell me that I am special in their eyes.  But . . .

It doesn’t matter to me.  Words don’t matter.  They’re just pretty flowers, fragile and breakable, that people write on paper, or type online, or speak through their forked tongues and chapped lips.  Words are supposed to make everything all right.  Words are supposed to scare away the bad things, take away our nightmares, remove us from injustice and help us flee the monsters.  But they don’t.  Words are just that.  Words.  Breakable, fragile, and can be blown away by the wind.  Promises are blinked away, threats aren’t upheld, love, only spoken, is so easily unthreaded . . .

Words are cheap.  They mean nothing.  Words have betrayed me for far too long . . .

I wrote the above on November 18th, 2004.

See, I decided I wanted to find this one entry where three questions were asked and the one they were asked to had to answer them honestly, no matter what.  I found them, but also started going over other back entries of mine.  Well, Melanie left me a note on that entry and her second question was why did I break up with Mike?  You know, what was the real reason?  Because before then, I hadn’t written it anywhere, what exactly I’d become during the course of our relationship.  Exactly how far out of control my temper ran.  You see, for a good deal of time back then, I’d become, without even realizing it for months, physically abusive to him.  To this day, a small part of myself hates myself for it.  I became the very thing I’ve always expressed to hating so much, simply because I wouldn’t acknowledge exactly how bad and how out of control my temper was.

I’ve talked before about how similar Drew and I are, especially in terms of our tempers.  I did trust in him, though, that while his temper is as bad as mine, and he has a Hell of a lot more strength and training to do real damage if he wants to, that he would never physically raise a hand to me.

Well . . . last night, he did.  We were having the worst argument yet that we’ve had.  We’d both grabbed onto the other because I wanted an answer to whatever I was asking and was purposely blocking him from leaving.  He grabbed my arms to bodily move me out of the way, I wrapped my arms around his waist, and we wound up with me on the bed on my back, my legs wrapped around one of his, and him above me.  He punched me in the left cheek bone.  Nowhere near full strength, but the fact remains that he lost control enough and did that.  Yeah, needless to say, my face hurts.  I’m not at all worried about me, though.  In a day or two, I won’t even feel this.  It won’t hurt anymore.  I’m worried about Drew, because now he’s crossed that same threshold that I did.  The one I was hoping to help him avoid crossing.  He feels horrible about it.  I admit, I may have added to that a bit, because the first time he apologized for it, I looked at him and said, "And why should I believe you?"  (He apologized when we were still in the midst of the argument, both of us were still pissed, and my temper was flaring worse than it has in years.)  Anyway.  The expression on his face . . .  Yeah, he was still pissed as Hell because of the argument, but he also had a look of . . . surprise.  And hurt.  That I said I didn’t believe him.

I was talking to Mike last night about what the argument concerned.  See, Halloween was a sucky day for Drew.  Sunday, he looked like Hell and I actually doubled because he went home cuz literally, he was having trouble remaining standing without support.  Sunday night, I went home and woke him up, saying that we could do this one of two ways.  We could sit down and talk about this, or I could call an ambulance right then.  All he’d do is tell me to leave him alone, it’s none of my concern, he’s fine, blah, blah, blah, which I know is B.S.  He’s not fine physically, and if he doesn’t do something soon, he’s gonna wind up killing himself.

Well, Monday, this driver at the store named Charlie was asking if I wanted to hang out after work.  So I figured why not?  I texted Drew to see if he’d be awake when I got home and he asked why, and I said because I was hanging out with Charlie and if he was still awake, I didn’t want him to worry since I wouldn’t be home at the regular time.  Well, he goes on this whole ‘it’s not right that you’re seeing another guy when you’re in a relationship’ thing, and ultimately breaks up with me over texts.  Obviously, I was very upset, and wound up bursting into tears in the store.  There’s this other driver there named Rob who talked to me that night.  Or, more accurately, let me talk and cry in front of him.  I owe him, because he was awesome.  He just listened and volunteered what he could to try and comfort me.

Anyway, I did end up going and hanging out with Charlie that night because I figured you know what?  Especially since he broke up with me over texts, and even if he hadn’t, Drew doesn’t control me.  He doesn’t control who I see and don’t see, and he has no right to claim that because I’m a woman in a relationship, I can’t have guy friends.

So we hung out till about three in the morning, (Domino’s closes at midnight,) and during the course of that . . .  We went to Union Beach because I’d indicated there was something up with Drew, he asked what was up, and I had started to talk about it on the pier at Union Beach.  Well, I was sitting up on the fence describing it, and he asked me to jump down.  So I did.  We’re standing right in front of one another, and he leans forward.  Just as I’m thinking to myself, ‘is he actually trying to kiss me?’ he kinda pulls back and says, "No kiss?"

I shook my head and said no.  Then, it was like, okay, whatever, I figured it was the end of that.  But when we were in my car on the way back to Union Beach from the Spy House, (we’re both haunted places fans,) he asked if I’d just pull over to one of the parking spaces on the road.  So I did, and, not in so many words, but he was basically asking if anything was gonna happen between us.  I told him no.  Not with how I feel about Drew.  Maybe, if this was a different time, if Drew and I hadn’t gotten together, if this break up he was insisting on stayed permanent . . .  But nothing could happen right then.  If nothing else, if things between me and Drew turned around for the better, I didn’t want there to be anything on my conscience to feel guilty about.  And even kissing another guy is something I would feel guilty about.

Unbelievably, despite me saying all that, he mentioned how turned on he was, and actually asked if he could "see my bush."    After I said no, he actually asked if I w

anted to "see his thing!"  Another no, obviously.  Then he asked if I was sure, and mentioned having a condom on him!

Dear God in Heaven, things were easier in high school when I was just the ostracized Beatle nut!  Not to mention, not having to worry about tempers reigning this far out of control.

Like I said, though, Drew feels horrible about it, and I feel more worried about him than about myself.  Like I said, I’ll be fine; he’s going to carry the emotional scar of that big a loss of control with him for the rest of his life.

He’s in the numb stage right now.  Still trying to process how he could have done that to another person.  I asked him how he felt and to quote him, (we had this convo over text,) "Right now I don’t know what I feel."
When he figures it out, I’ll be there for him.  But, like I said, I was IMing Mike last night about the whole argument thing and how unreasonable Drew was being in his jealousy.  He advised me to set a limit.  Drew crosses that limit, that’s the end.  I didn’t know where that line was until last night.  I can equate it to the Drizzt novels, though.  Wulfgar is taken and tortured in this demon dimension for some-odd length of time.  When he’s rescued, he’s not the same man.  But he tries to be at one point, trying to find comfort in kissing the woman he was to be married to, Cattie-brie.  But he opens is eyes during the kiss and pretty much hallucinates that he sees the demon who tortured him for so long, and pushes Cattie-brie away from him, possibly punching her as he did so.

The point is, Wulfgar left them team after that for several books and Cattie-brie saw it as a good thing in a way.  Because whereas she could forgive him that once doing that to her, she would not forgive it a second time.

I still trust Drew.  I still love him.  I still believe he is a worthwhile and ultimately good person who will never do this kind of thing to another person again, because he’s learned how horrible it can be to realize how far your temper has spiralled out of control.  And I still want to be together with him.

But if he ever does it again . . .  That’s my line.  That’s my limit.