Livin’ On A Prayer

Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad.

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
From the bottom of my heart.

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad.

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
From the bottom of my heart.

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad.

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
From the bottom of my heart.

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad.

::Actual translation::

Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Prosperous New Year and Happiness.

 

Lol, I swear, I’m gonna kill everyone who ever played that Numa Numa song in front of me!  If you’ve never heard of it, get a downloading song thingy for your computer and download it.  Believe me, this thing is great.  It’s just so damn insanely addicting!

Okay, anyway, I should get on with the entire story of everything that happened, shouldn’t I?  Yeah, cuz I didn’t leave off at a very good — mental-health-wise — place.  And ironically, it got a bit worse before it got much, much better.

Well, yesterday morning, I woke up in a better mood, but in no mood to see/talk to Mike.  I checked that he was okay, saw he was in his room, on his laptop.  (Big surprise.)  Then I figured, ‘You know what?  I do wanna talk to Rob, just because he’s a third party.  He’s not completely objective since he’s involved in all of this, too, but he’s someone who’s not Mike."

(Believe me, Dolly, if I’d known you’d be awake, I’d’ve called you.)

Anyway, I drove over to Staples and saw Rob as soon as I walked in the door.  I gave him a small wave and smaller grin.  First thing I said was that, to a degree,  I envied his inability to drive.  No car means not having one to clean off.  Then we were comparing jackets, cuz he said he’d just sweep the snow off with his sleeve.  I said I couldn’t, cuz my coat gets soaked.  Then I asked if he was free after he got off and he said yeah, he was intending on going straight home, though.  (He’d forgotten his watch and I can understand this, it was driving him nuts.)  So I asked if it would be okay for me to come over to his place to hang out for a bit and his first question is "Will Mike be okay with that?"  And I said, "Eh, yeah, probably."  Then thought for a second, and said, "Okay, maybe not, but still."  I can’t remember exactly what he said, but it basically amounted to that he didn’t want to hurt Mike and he wasn’t sure us hanging out alone was a good idea.  To which I said something like that I meant us hanging out as friends.  Just friends.  Then I kind of stared off towards the main dorr to Staples and sighed, saying, "I made a real mess of things, didn’t I?"  And he said yes.

Then he had customers so I had to get out of the way.  I browsed around and found what I hope to get Dolly, cuz it’s just so perfect.  Then he still had a customer, but I passed by his register and just said, "Look, I’ll be killing my legs at DDR later, meet me there when you get off?"  He didn’t answer, but I simply hoped he would show up.  I said bye as I walked towards the door and the last thing to reach my ears before I walked out was him saying bye back to me.

I got to the car, nearly in tears.  I might be forgetting some of the conversation we had, short as it was, but I’d basically gotten the implication from him, just how he said the things he did and all that, that he didn’t even want to be friends with me while he knew I had feelings for him.

So I came home just as my parents pulled in behind me.  I got out of the car and my mom asked me to hand something to Dad and then said she was going out to his studio to go online.  I gave it to him, came inside, and burst into tears.  The argument/talk/whatever that Mike and I had the night before was still weighing on me.  I didn’t want this responsibility; I can’t help how I feel, and I didn’t want to know that the fact that I like someone is causing someone else so much grief.  It shouldn’t be an issue, yet there I was, it being a HUGE issue, and me feeling like I was gonna lose someone who could at least become a very good friend as a result.

Yeah, so life sucks.

When I saw that Mom was coming back around to the main house, I ducked upstairs and went into my room.  Honestly, I must have been crying for a good three hours or so.  Finally, I laid back against some blankets at the foot of my bed and took a short nap, fully aware that I couldn’t let myself fall asleep for very long, because hopefully meeting Rob at FunTime awaited me.

Well, I came out of my room at about five-thirty.  My mom was shocked to find out I was home.  Turned out Mike had been looking for me for awhile and nobody had thought to actually open my door and see if I was inside my room!  Mike saw how depressed I was and it made him worried and all that.  He apologized for the night before last, too.  Said that no, he wasn’t broken, that he just had to take control and the stuations he could do something about, he would.  And the ones he couldn’t, he’d deal with as best he could.  I had the small, small, very tiny hope that while he was saying that, one of the things he’d add would be to say, "Now,

I can’t do anything about my feelings for you right now, but since you care about Rob . . ."  But I squelched that thought almost as soon as it came.  I knew I’d never hear that from him, and certainly not this soon.

At around six, I said I was going out, I’d be back later, and went to FunTime.  I played a couple games of DDR, killing my legs just like I said, and then sat outside and waited.  He didn’t show.  A bit before seven, I left, drove past Staples, and saw that it looked like people were still there.  So I figured that he was one of the people who was still there and that maybe Mike could call him so that on the off-chance Rob did show at FunTime, he wouldn’t think that I had ditched him.

I went home, went up to the bathroom, and just sat there.  Mike followed me and I told him "Well, you’ve got one loyal friend, there . . ."  and about what had happened at Staples and how I thought that Rob was basically giving me the brush-off for even having a friendship with him.  Then I said how I’d hoped to meet him at FunTime and could he call Rob, because on the chance that he showed, I didn’t want him to think I’d ditched out.

Mike went and got his cell phone and called him.  When he got through, they talked for a bit and then Mike handed the phone to me.  Rob and I talked, me basically saying that I just wanted to talk to him, things that I needed to say in person, and though he said okay, I came away from the conversation feeling like I’d completely talked him into it.  You know, like he agreed because he didn’t think I’d leave him alone if I didn’t?  He said he could meet me at FunTime for like, half an hour.  I said okay.  I figured it was better than nothing.  So we hung up and I was out the door.  And of course, what’s playing on the radio when I turn the car on?  Bring Me To Life!  Yeah, I belted it.  But it didn’t do anything positive for my mood.  Then, on 106.7 Lite FM they played All I Want For Christmas Is You.  Yeah.  Wondeful.  Just what I needed to hear . . .

Anyway, I got to FunTime and went inside, hoping I could play DDR.  But they had the back area roped off for people who buy thse bracelets for a set price, and then you can play any games in the back as much as you want.  But without a bracelet, I couldn’t play DDR, cuz it”s in the back.  ::Sighs::  I waited outside for a good deal of time, barely noticing the cold.  I was tempted to start walking to his house from FunTime and actually started out to do that, but then turned back.  Completely despairing, I walked back to my car, figuring maybe he lied to me just to get me off his back that night.  Which led me to think what kind of person is he if that was the case?  Just as I’d gotten in my car, though, a car pulled into FunTime and I thought, "Is it . . . ?"  I got out of the car and stood next to it as the car slowly drove up to the curb next to FunTime, stopped, and then turned around.  It stopped again in front of me and Rob stepped out.  I could barely manage a grin as I said hi.  He said his dad had suggested coming back to his house, so I should follow them back.  To which I gave a grateful nod and said I was a paranoid passenger anyway.  I got in my car and I thought he’d gotten back in his dad’s, but then I saw him at my passenger side door.  I unlocked it and he got in.

I don’t think we actually said anything in the car . . .  Actually, I remember saying something, but I don’t recall what . . .  Dangit.  Oh, well.  In any case, we parked across the street from his house and his dad told us to go on in while he was still parking their car.  As we walked up the driveway, him commenting on black ice, I said, "Oh, yeah.  It also sucks that today the lights around the neighbor’s window went up.  But they aren’t the ones they’ve put up every year that look like they travel around the window.  So yeah, on top of everything else, I’m depressed about that . . ."

We went in and said hi to his sister, brother, and mom.  (I was right, his mom is really pretty.)  Anyway, we went into I guess the living room? and sat down on the couch.  I just stared at the floor and prepared myself for the most important question I needed an answer to.  I said, "Look, I need to know . . ." I brought my eyes up to meet his, "do you hate me for all this?"

He said that no, he didn’t.  I don’t remember everything that was said but the basic thing was that he had been in a bad mood at Staples.  Someone had called out and then someone else had to leave part way through the day, and there were a heckuva lot more customers than Rob expected there to be that day.  And it wasn’t that he was trying to blow me of as a friend, he was just figuring give Mike and I space to work things out between us.

So that was a huge relief, honestly.  Then, we went on his famiy’s computer because I’d remembered the address of some weird thingy that Rob wanted to show his younger brother.  So I found it, and we played it, then later I asked if I could open LimeWire and we were listening to music of theirs.  I downloaded Fancypants for them, too.  His sister’s reaction when she heard that song was priceless.

They had a keyboard down there, too, so I was showing what I knew on there.  (Which isn’t much, but still.)  And, I think I asked if I could see his room, but we wound up in Rob’s room, (him insisting it was a mess.  It wasn’t.  At least not compared to mine.  Or anyone else I know, actually.)  I was looking at his DVD’s and while my collection definitely has more in it, he has ones that I’ve been looking for for I don’t know how long!  He has the Hand That Rocks The Cradle on DVD!!!  And a couple of others I’ve been wanting to see.  Must borrow these things . . .

So then we were listening to music and random songs off CD’s he’s made and then he points to a guitar in the corner.  Of course, I have to pick it up and I started playing Young Boy.  Wow, it felt good to have a guitar in my hands again!  Rob plays, a bit, too, but he’s self-taught and has only been playing for about three months.  Still, he’s figured out more than I would if I was trying to teach myself.  But yeah, I couldn’t help showing off how I could play Young Boy and Eight Days a Week and the intro to Weight of the World.  Though I couldn’t remember how to play the intro to Waht You’re Doing, which bothered me to no end.

Mike called while we were listening to music.  He asked how Iwas doing and was everything okay, (and I don’t know why he bothered to ask since he didn’t believe my answer.)  But it was somewhere between ten and eleven at that point so I said I’d be home soon.  And I honestly expected to be, too.  But . . .

It was cool.  We played Livin’ On A Prayer, Going Under, and Shot Through the Heart, and were ::quietly:: singing along with all of them.

A bit later, his dad called him on his cell, (for some reason,) and said it would be best if we went back downstairs, cuz everyone else was going to

bed.  (I’m thinking slightly old-fashioned family.  )

We went back down though, and were at the computer again, because another of the LimeWire things I’d wanted him to hear was Trans-Siberian Orchestra, that Carol of the Bells instrumental.  That oddly enough features Metallica.  I did not know that.  Anyway, we were just down there talking, checking out stuff online and on LimeWire and watching TV until three in the morning!  Lol, I hadn’t meant to stay that late!  I seriously hadn’t.  It just felt so nice to be able to talk to him and spend time with someone else, you know?

One thing I didn;t like, though.  I was asking him about something . . . maybe it was why he asked me about what Miek would think of us hanging out.  Anyway, somewhere in that general string of conversation, he said, and I quote, "You belong to Mike."  To Hell with that!!  I don’t "belong" to anybody!  Maybe I didn’t act like it when Mike and I were together, but I’m no posession.  I don’t belong to anyone and I don’t want to belong to anyone!

Anyway, when I did leave, I hugged him and thanked him for talking to me that night.

When I got home, I saw my dad as soon as I walked in the kitchen.  Lol, he thought it was robbers coming in.  I said, "Oh, yeah.  Because robbers use keys," and laughed.  It felt nice to laugh.  Not to mention that I was relieved I actually wanted to eat.  Yesterday and the day before, yeah I had liquids, but I basically didn’t eat till I got back from Rob’s.

It turned out that Mike was still up, when he had to go in at seven, (idiot,) because he hadn’t believe me when I said I was fine over the phone.  So we talked for a bit and then he went to bed.

Today, what’s actually December fifth, I’ve stayed in a good mood.  I was actually in an insanely good mood, just because of how things went last night and all.  Then I was out and randomly decided to stop at Taregt after coming back from Work Out World.  Well, at Taregt, I saw a DVD that Rob had told me he really wanted to get.  So, I impulsively picked it up, figuring if he already was getting it from Game Factory, where he’d wanted to order it from, I could just return it.

Well, I went by Staples and gave it to him.  Unfortunately, I didn;t get the result I was hoping for.  Instead of even a grin and a thanks, he asked what Mike would think of me getting that for him.  ::Sighs::  I gotta have a talk with him about stuff like that.  Cuz honestly, Mike doesn’t control me.  I understand that Rob wants to be a loyal friend and that he was friends with Mike before ever knowing that I existed, but even so.  I’m not gonna limit myself or what I would do for someone just because of Mike.  Regardless of my crush on Rob, I’d’ve picked up that DVD for him anyway, just because I know it was something he wanted.  I’ve done little things like that since high school.

I’m gonna leave him alone tomorrow.  I’ll occupy myself with my thoughts and such, but I won’t call him, I won’t stop by Staples, nothing.  But on Wednesday, we were supposed to hang out, at least as of Friday we were.  So I’ll wait till around like, two on Wednesday and then call him.  I’ll ask if we can hang out, hopefully we will, and then I’m gonna try and explain all this.  Because, honestly while I don’t want to make Rob uncomfortable, he’s got to stop thinking that Mike’s gonna flip out every time I do something/get something for him.  Mike’s not that shallow and if he was, he wouldn’t be living here and I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this.

I’m honestly considering the merit of holding Rob at arm’s length for a little while.  I mean, that might help him feel like I’m not sneaking around behind Mike’s back or some such.  Yet at the same time, he’s my friend.  And I don’t have to "sneak around" and hide things from Mike in order to see a friend.

I don’t know.  I don’t like this whole thing.  But I just have to wait and talk to Rob.  Hopefully I can help him understand and he’ll stop asking what Mike’s reaction would be, or whether Mike would like it or not, every time I do something for him.

::Sighs::  Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision.  Telling Rob about liking him.  He’s making it very clear where his loyalties lie.  And while I’m not entirely complaining . . .  I don’t know.

I just wish . . . I wish I could have a normal ex-boyfriend who didn’t still have some amount of control over my life.  I mean, you’d think that someone who claims to love me would want me to be happy, right?  If I’m happy with someone else, then why can’t he accept it?  I mean, no, I wouldn’t expect Mike to be happy about it, or to want to be around either of us for awhile, but honestly, this whole situation should never have come up.  There’s no reason why Rob should be wondering about what Mike’s reaction is to everything I do with Rob.  Now yeah, if we were making out or basically sneaking behind Mike’s back and dating, then yeah, definitely, wonder.  But then both of us would be feeling guilty and all that and that isn’t what’s going on!  It’s like . . . like he thinks I should have Mike’s permission before I can even be friends with Rob.

And that just isn’t the case.

Lol . . .  And I thought this year was gonna be boring . . .

So much for that hope.

At least it’s snowing again.

Oh, well.  I should get off.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to talk to him on either Wednesday or Thursday and straighten this out.  Cuz I’m sorry, but I don’t need ANY guy’s permission to hang out with another guy.

I’m just glad that Mike isn’t really like that.

Okay, finally ending now.  Bye!