Learning To Be Helpless

I’ve been coming over and staying with Drew as much as I can since Monday.  He’s been taking Tylenol and luckily that’s having something of an effect on the pain.  He got an appointment with an orthopedist on Tuesday as well as having a regular doctor’s appointment that day, so I’m driving him to both.

God . . .  I feel so helpless.  Not to mention closed in.  I mean, I’m not gonna complain that Drew’s basically staying at his mom’s and doesn’t wanna go anywhere.  I’m not gonna force him to come here or to go anywhere else, really, cuz it’s still kinda cold to be outside.  Plus I know he doesn’t really wanna go anywhere.  It’s just afer for him right now to be close to home and not overuse the crutches.  The more he stays off his foot, the better.  Yet, always going over there is driving me nuts.  I like his mom, but A) I have a definite fear of being hated by the parent(s) of someone I really care about/love, and B) she’s ALWAYS THERE.  I mean, of course, it’s her house, so yeah, she’s gonna be around, but it’s almost like at my house.  My dad’s just ALWAYS THERE, and yeah, he works from home, so of course he’ll be around, but it always gives the feeling of absolutely no privacy.  And since the way their house is laid out is that her bedroom is downstairs at the end of the hall and Drew is staying in the downstairs room next to the bathroom, he’s about eight feet from her door, so that doesn’t help with privacy issues.  Not to mention that the room is incredibly small and doesn’t have much space to manuever around.  I’m not claustrophobic in there, I just wish . . .  I wish she’d go out.  Go to a friend’s.  Something like that.  Just so I’d have a little alone time with Drew.

The worst part is, I thought I’d have some alone time tomorrow with him.  She has to have some kind of surgery tomorrow, so she’ll be at the hospital for several hours.  (After the whole thing with Drew’s ankle, she asked a friend to drive her.  She never got a license herself.)  Anyway, I was kinda looking forward to that.  Not that she was having surgery, of course.  That sucks.  But just the fact that she’d be out of the house for awhile and Drew and I would have some time to be alone.  But then today, she says she doesn’t want any company tomorrow because of the surgery, she hoped I didn’t mind.  I do, but for a selfish reason.  Flat-out, I wanted the alone time with Drew, damnit!  And it sucks that I can’t even go over there while she’s not there and just leave before she comes home.  ::Sighs:: 

I just wanna be with him as much as possible right now.  I want to be there for him.  Maybe I can’t do anything about how he’s feeling or the pain he’s in, but being there with him is worth it to me.  Heh.  Maybe being there with him only makes me feel better.  I mean, I know he appreciates me being there with him, but maybe being there does more for me just because I feel better knowing that if I’m there, I can do whatever for him.  If that makes any sense.

I guess it’s also a good thing, though, that we’ll have a day apart tomorrow.  It’s like I reminded myself earlier tonight: togetherness is great, but the other person shouldn’t become your entire life.  I’d like nothing better than to just be able to be with him 24/7 right now, but just because he has a fractured ankle doesn’t mean I can drop everything in my own life.  I have things to take care of and things to do for myself and I can’t ignore that.  Not even for him.

I love him.  I didn’t bother to bring it up Monday because of the hospital stuff, but I did bring up on Tuesday that we needed to talk about our argument.  Nothing in-depth was said, really, but he did apologize once again, saying that he’d said some really stupid things and was sorry.  Once again, I think that when an argument happens and he realizes afterwards that he’s said dumb stuff, he just wants to move on from it.  I want to talk about things and explain why whatever things hurt me, or ask why things were said as they were, what was meant by different things, and how much truth there is to any angry statements said.  Him, he wants to apologize and forget the argument happened.  Basically wipe the slate clean.  I admit, there’s probably advantages to that method, but at the same time, it leaves me with questions.

One of my questions was answered yesterday, though, I have to admit.  Basically, in our argument, we both said things that were meant to hurt the other and make the other suspicious.  (Okay, I said the more suspicious-oriented statement and he said the more hurtful things, just to clarify.)  You know, the interesting thing about that is at one point during the argument, I asked him to explain something he said, and he deliberately answered with something hurtful, then kinda gives a groan-type thing and says something about how ‘this is why he doesn’t want to talk anymore.  He’s already angry and when he is, he just keeps saying stupid things.’  I give him credit that even in the midst of the argument, he realized that he was saying, to quote him, "stupid things."

Anyway, though, one of the things I wanted to bring up with him was that I realized trust had been lost between us because of the things that were said.  I know that I felt I’d definitely lost trust in him.  It was one of the main things I wanted to talk to him about.  We didn’t, but it doesn’t seem to matter in many ways.  He’s going with the wipe-the-slate-clean thing and to be honest, after one of the things I said, if he’s willing to do that, and also admit that the things he said were stupid, I’m not gonna harp on it.  Anyway, Monday, he was really upset about his mom having to find another ride to the hospital for the surgery, and then not being able to drive her to the cemetery to visit his dad’s grave.  Sunday’s the one year anniversary of when he died.  He said he was sorry about that to her in front of me, so I offered to drive them Sunday.  His mom said it was a drive, and I said New Egypt, right?  I told her I didn’t mind, it was no problem, so she accepted.  So I told Drew I would clean out my car and he could sit in the backseat so he could stretch his leg out.  But yesterday, I think he probably got to talking about his car, (on Monday he traded in his Firebird and his mom helped him out with the remainder of the money for a Crown Vic,) saying how he wouldn’t be able to drive it for who knows how long while his ankle heals (yes, it was his right ankle,) and I said well, if he’d let me, why didn’t I drive his on Sunday?  That way, at least it would be used and he’d be able to ride in his car.  So, yesterday night, I volunteered to pay for one of those dessert pieces of pie at the Burger King near him.  I asked if I could use his car to get some practice driving it before Sunday and he agreed.  He ended up coming with me because it has one of those gear shift thingies on the steering wheel and I’ve never used oneof them, so he had to teach me.  Anyway, though, we drove to Burger King, got the pie for him, and I went to the other side of the shopping center to the Dunkin Donuts and got coffees and Donuts for us.  Then I asked if he minded me getting some practice with the car.  So I offered to put some gas in it since it was on E, we went to a station, then drove around a bit on 9, semi-main roads, and other roads.  Today, too, we drove in it together.

The main point, though, is he’s not the type of person to let just anyone drive his car.  Hell, he’s not the type of person to hand his keys over to ANYONE else.  I mean, yes, he’s more comfortable in his car and can get in and out of it easier than mine (there’s more space for his feet,) but it shows that he really does have an enormous amount of trust in me for him to trust me driving his car.

Well, tomorrow, I’m taking care of some of my own stuff, I’ll undoubtedly talk to Drew over text, and of course I’ll be thinking about him all day.  The kids book he thought up was brought up again, cuz I’ve been doing some drawings for my Holmes books and he asked if I’d drawn anymore on his.  I think I will tomorrow.  I can finish typing it up, sketch out the rest of it and ink it, then make the copies and color at least one of them.  That reminds me, I gotta look at this one website.  Okay, I’m gonna go and do that.  Maybe I’ll write more tomorrow.