La-La Land And Smiley Flowers

Yeah, so I spent, like, all of last night day-dreaming about Rob.  Dear God, I’ve got it bad for him!

::Sighs::  I wish I could make Mike understand.  Because as much as I insist that I don’t need his permission for anything, I do want him to be okay with me going out with someone else.  Not to mention that Rob wouldn’t do anything other than friendship unless he knew that Mike would be okay.  (Talk about a true friend, huh?)

I was reading over different journals and looking at the photo albums I kept during high school.  Mike was this huge part of my life and I loved having him in it.  But I made some huge mistakes during that time.  Mike and I became one another’s entire world.  He may try to deny that, but we did.  We did virtually everything together and when we weren’t together, it was because oneof us was at work/school.  For so long, we didn’t hang out individually, and then when we started to, it was after things started blowing up between me and everyone, so it was Mike going out and hanging out with whoever, and me staying at home, being angry.

Yeah, there’s a lot more to that time period than I could ever write in an entry, or even several entries on here, but the bottom line is still this:  Yes, Mike’s and my time together was wonderful, and it was a big part of what made me who I am today.  And even though we had a short dating experience recently, I’ve realized all the more poignantly that I don’t feel that way about him anymore.  In a way, I wish I could, because it would make things so much easier for him, but in another way, I know I don’t want to settle.  Mike was my first real boyfriend, (I don’t count Will,) and has remained my ONLY boyfriend to the present.  I want the chance to date other people.  I mean, whereas everyone I knew was dating in high school, I was hung up on a guy who just wouldn’t see me that way.  Then, when I think I’ve found someone who’s interested in me, he turns out to be a complete liar.

Then Mike came along.  And while I’m not gonna say I settled for him back then, I will say that I jumped on the chance to have a real, honest-to-goodness boyfriend who was as interested in me as I was in him.  I finally had everything that I wanted when I was younger.  Happiness with school/teachers, a good circle of friends, to some degree popularity (or perhaps notoriety,) and a boyfriend who loved me.

And back then, I never thought that it would fall apart.  But it did.  Yet whereas most other people can take some time and then move on from their ex, how do you fully move on from someone you live with?  I can’t fully, because Mike still can’t deal with me haviong feelings for another guy.  I mean, yeah, the fact that said present guy is a friend of his can’t make things any better.  I acknowledge that.  Yet I still do hold to the fact that I think deep down, Mike would rather see me having feelings for someone like Rob than someone else he doesn’t know, who could turn out to be a real jerk.

I just wish that Mike would accept the fact that I don’t see him that way anymore and I wish he would tell Rob that he was okay with me and Rob seeing one another.  I mean, I got proof positive that Rob would go out with me if Mike wasn’t in the picture!  When we were in the car driving back to his house, I point-blank asked him, "If Mike was no part of the equation, if you didn’t have to consider him at all, what would you have done?"  And he said, "I’d probably say okay, let’s go for it."

If it weren’t for Mike, I would have a boyfriend right now.  Yet, if it weren’t for Mike, I’d’ve never met Rob.

Stupid paradoxical situations . . .

I just wish Mike could understand that at this point, I think we’re closer than boyfriend and girlfriend.  I consider him as something of a family member at this point.  Maybe like a brother, I don’t know.  I just know that I would do just about anything for him, (within reason,) and I’m the first one to jump to his defense, (or jump down his throat as the situation calls,) and a bunch of other stuf I can’t think of right now.  But my point is we’ve got a pretty solidly cemented bond down between us.  And I think that bond is a better one than that of a relationship.

I wish he’d let me be happy with someone else . . .

I mean, yeah, he said I was free to date someone else, it was my decision, but long story short, I know and so does Rob, that Mike would still be hurt.  And I’d be the one who has to deal with that, simply because he lives here and I’m the one he relies on to help him through this stuff.  I admit, I don’t trust anyone else with the stuff that goes on in his head.  Maybe that’s part of my problem.  I need to be able to let go of stuff like that, too.  If I expect Mike to be able to let go of me, I have to let go of him mentally and trust that someone else won’t break him.

::Sighs::  I wish all this wasn’t so hard.

Oh, well.  At least Rob and I are friends.  And for now, that’s good enough.

For now . . .

I hope it can only be a ‘for now.’