Kate (con’t)

I’m a contradictory person.  Not to say I like getting into arguments, though sometimes I do.  Not a ‘I hate you, get out of my life’ argument, but the funny arguments Ryan and I get into.

I’ve always felt, and still feel, like I give too much of myself in a friendship.  I’m never sure how much I’m getting back from the other person.  I’ve always considered myself secretive, guarding myself from others so that, while I want to trust, I won’t be hurt.  I realize now that I haven’t succeeded in that.  I have to some degree, but I’m not as secretive as I’d prefer.  I wish I was cryptic.  I wish people found me mysterious, alluring.  But all anybody seems to see is someone loud, wacky, a Beatle fan, odd, strange, someone who “can’t keep a secret,” someone who can’t do anything for herself, someone who won’t move on, can’t let go, keeps harping on things, someone who is controlling, etc.

It hurts.  To know that.  I mean, to quote a poem I wrote once, “Why can’t anyone look inside and see?  See who’s really there, the real me.”  Okay, it’s not quite a real quote.  But that’s what I feel like.  It’s like . . . poeple are so used to what they expect me to act like, that they don’t know when I’m joking about something, or are actually upset, or when I’ve changed how I would react to something.  People automatically expect me to act ceratin ways, or do ceratin things, and in some ways, it’s almost easier letting them think that, because that way, even if it’s different, I don’t have to work at trying to convince them.  If it’s not somethng that directly affects them, I let them think it, because it’s too much trouble trying to change people’s minds.  If they don’t see, or just expect something to be there . . .

I’ve always had odd beliefs.  When I was a kid, I always used to tell myself that God had to have put me here for a very specific reason.  Because otherwise he’d have made me pretty, and thin, and popular.

Okay, I’ll probably edit this entry later, add more to it, but right now, this is about all I can muster.

–Notes–

Hello again! Paul’s first name is James. 🙂
—————————————————————————
sure..new jersey is urs..i’ll let you know when it starts
—————————————————————————
Hey! The Miss Random Pagent is starting! Go to the entry on my diary called Round 1 on my diary for more details! Good luck!