Jesus, Dolly!!!

Last I checked, I had one-thousand-sixty-odd notes. Now I have one-thousand-eighty-nine!! Jesus, Dolly! Why not just write in it an entry? Lol. Now, onto your notes. Jason did not give me what I wanted. I did NOT ask for him to use me, or for him to betray Mike. Yes, I wanted to be kissed. Yes, I wanted a relationship with him. Yes, I wanted him to be able to say he loved me and to mean it in a way other than platonic. And you know what? I was foolish enough to think that for once, maybe it would happen to me. But I by no means asked him to tell Mike that he had no feelings other than friendship for me, and that he didn’t want to cause Mike anymore pain, and then turn around and drop hints up the wazoo for me to kiss him! Yes, that IS betrayal, because he made the deliberate decision to completely go back on what he told Mike. He said as much that Thursday that he didn’t know if his feelings had changed, and if that was the truth, then he had no business dropping hints, and he had no business kissing me later on. Yes, Mike annoys me when we’re on the phone. Yes, he can drive me absolutely nuts, and make me feel like screaming, and yes, there are times when I just want to be left the Hell alone by him, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to defend him when Jason betrayed him like that. Yes, I am over Mike. I have no idea where you were going with those sentences about it, but I still value Mike as a friend, and am not going to let him be screwed over by someone who so easily goes back on promises he’s made. You seem to think that basically, Mike was jealous, and whined to me about it, and I took his side because of it. You seem to think that if Mike had kept his “big mouth” shut, Jason and I could be possibly in a happy relationship right now. If this was a simple case of jealousy on Mike’s part, DON’T YOU THINK I’D HAVE REALIZED THAT AND TOLD HIM IT WASN’T HIS DECISION TO MAKE??? Yes, if it was pure jealousy, “I don’t like the fact that you’re kissing another guy,” then, yeah, I would’ve said, “Mike, you’re being ridiculous, we’re broken up, and I do have the right to kiss other people, even someone you consider a friend.” But the fact remains, it is not a case of jealousy. It is a case that Jason told him straight out, “I have no feelings for Kate other than friendship, and don’t want to make things harder on you.” And considering that he also told me straight out that that day was going to leave him with a lot of questions, that tells me that he didn’t know if his feelings had changed. All in all, he had no business dropping hints, and then kissing me later on without talking to me, or Mike, first. Not to mention, no business doing it without knowing his own feelings first. Because I am not just some trophy girl who’s just going to come calling whenever he gets horny enough to want to make out. As I said in the notes to you, if that was anywhere near in his reasoning, just a “best-friend-with-benefits when he feels exceptionally horny,” Yes, Dolly, I did take offense to what you said here: “Kate, no offense, but you would have still kissed him. Deep inside yourself, you know it too. If you’d known about his little talk w/Mike, you still would’ve kissed him! Who are u trying to fool? You might have spent many a night wondering what you were going to tell Mike or trying to hide things, but you’d have still kissed Jason.” Yes, it does anger me that apparently you think I would dilute my values so far as to kiss someone at the expense of someone else’s feelings. “Who am I trying to fool?” What kind of question is that? I hate to point this put, Dolly, but there’s two year gap in our friendship, and the more I think about it, the more I know that we didn’t know one another as much as we pretended to in the past. So stop thinking that you know core things about me, because you are very wrong. I’ll say this to you, and him, if he bothers reading this, one last time: I WOULD NOT HAVE KISSED HIM If I’D KNOWN WHAT HE’D TOLD MIKE!!!!!! It is personally insulting to me that not only he, but you, would believe that. I mean, you want to talk subject of betrayal, and it being an intentional thing that will lead to further horrors? What the Hell do you think it would have done to Mike for me to know what Jason told him, and for him to find out that I’d made out with him anyway? What the Hell do you think it would have done to me, for me to have it on my conscience that I’d completely disregarded anything Mike felt, and made out with someone, not caring that Mike was upstairs? I am not that callous. Yes, when I’m angry at a person, I definitely can be. But I was not angry at either of them at that point in time. And certainly, especially in recent times, I am not the kind of person who would throw their word into the wind like that. Which brings me to your next paragraph. Yeah, you pretty much are the only one saying that slapping him was wrong. Pam, for one, yes, is the one saying I should have punched him. The only one who comes close to you is Melanie, saying that she didn’t think it was the best idea, but understood why I did it. And as far as going back on my word, yes, I said I’d shut the door on him, but when did I say I changed the locks? When did I say that there was no chance in the future? When did I say that I wanted nothing more to do with him? When did I say I’d given up? When did I say that I wouldn’t still be there? Yes, I am better than someone who has no value for a promise they made. Do you have any idea how many promises he’s made and broken to me? Last semester, he promised me that, without hesitation, he’d tell me something about his past, (don’t remember what,) the following week when I came up to Kean. Do you know that I had to threaten to leave before he was willing to keep that promise? And then, there was a matter of his entries. On a Wed., or whatever day I was up there, he’d promised me that a new entry would be up by that Friday. The following week, it stll wasn’t there. When I asked him about it, “Oh, I meant it’d be up this Friday.” Don’t you know, that entry wasn’t up for another damned month?? And then around the same time, he promised me that he’d E-mail me, even just a sentence or two, twice a week. Don’t you know, I’m still waiting for the first two E-mails!!! (No, I don’t honstly expect them to show up now.) When he ran out of his house that Sunday night, he promised me he wouldn’t go back there. Yet, the following morning, he couldn’t even stand up to his dad and say no, he wouldn’t come back. Later on that day, he saw me and said that he’d decided to go back. But that there was an upside. That his dad had said he and I could hang out again, and his mom reluctantly agreed, assuming that we had this meeting. He promised me that if they went back on their word, even slightly, he’d be out of there again so fast… Yet the next thing I hear is that not only is he staying here, but that the next day, they gave him an ultimatum of them or me, and he chose them. Yes, I am better than that, Dolly, because an ultimatum like that is NOT something you make a choice in. Or, if you make the choice, at least be smart enough to choose the one who’s not forcing you to pick! What the Hell kind of family gives a member of it an ultimatum like that? I know, it wasn’t me, but if it had been, I’d’ve pic

ked the other party on basis of, who the Hell are they to give me an ultimatum like that? It was an unfair choice that they cornered him into making, because no family should hinge upon who a member of it is friends with. . . . You know, here’s something else I am angry about. Yes, I’m aware of what I did to Mike in the past, and yes, I’m sorry about it, and regret it, and a part of me will hate myself for it for a very long time. But you know what? Slapping someone, especially when they deserve it, under those circumstances, is NOT abuse. It’s not abuse anymore than you spanking Bobby is abuse. And it is NOT just “big talk” that I hate abuse. I DO hate abuse, and everything that it can cause to the people around a situation like that. Look what it did to us!! Look at what it did to you and me six years ago. I’d go so far as to say that that whole damned mess destroyed you, and it very nearly destroyed me. And I don’t care what that jackass has to say about it, his mom’s treatment of him is still destroying him!! No, Dolly, I don’t need you attempting to drill anything into my head. Yeah, he needs someone, but you know what? You want to tell me that I’ve let him down? Read the paragraph before the one above again, Dolly. He let me down, REPEATEDLY. And if it had been anyone else pulling this crap with me, I wouldn’t have put up with half of what I put up with from him. How the Hell do you figure I let him down? I broke no promises to him, I kept secret the things he doesn’t want others to know, Hell I’m still keeping those thinsg secret! I stood by him, trying to be happy only seeing him in secret, when I know all the way down to the core of my being that that is no way to have a friendship. I let him continue to be “scretive” because I know that a person can’t let one in without others getting in to some degree, and he couldn’t afford to do that, because it would mean his mom getting in. I didn’t badmouth her anywhere near as much as I could have and still can. I sacrificed MY free time, and MY gasoline in my car, and my parents’ car, to go up to Kean each week and see him. I brought money to buy us Chinese, I brought music that we could listen to, I brought him little gifts that I would find, either at Dots, or the flea market, that I knew he would enjoy, and you’re going to try and tell me that I let HIM down??? I don’t think so! Yes, I admit, I tend to push people away when I see them disapponting/betraying/abandoning/whatevering me, but does it ever occur to you that maybe I have a reason for doing it? Maybe I push thm away to have some space of my own, because I don’t want to be around them, because I don’t agree with their decisions? And maybe I don’t want to say something I’ll regret? Yes, as little as three years ago, if I had a conflict with someone, I pushed others away who knew said other person. But I’ve learned since then, and do have faith that I can trust the people around me, despite whatever situation I’m in with someone else. I now have faith that the people around me who I call my friends, have matured beyond grade school years, and won’t automatically say, “I choose his/her side!” I admit, in the past, I didn’t thoroughly believe that. I admit, I’m not certain I thoroughly believe that now, but I believe it to an extent, and in doing so, don’t believe that I’ll be sided against automatically. I never said that Jason wasn’t important enough to fight for. Yes, maybe your question was, to whatever degree, a self-absorbed one. But you know what? You can’t categorize me in that, because I did fight. I knew, somewhere in my heart, that he wasn’t to blame for the entire thing, and the only reason I ever badmouthed him was because I thought he didn’t care, and I was tired of trying to fight for someone who couldn’t care less. I never made the decision to hat him, Dolly. That one was all you. Not to mention the fact that he confirmed to me that, no, compared to his warped idea of “protecting” Stacy, we weren’t important enough for him to fight for. Now, I’d like to know how you figure that this is a fight I can “fight and win.” What angle, imaginary or otherwise, are you seeing that I’m not? Yeah, I probably am blazing a warpath down this entry, but frankly, I can deal with it, because you know what? It’s oddly enough with a sense of relief that I read something like this and can respond to it. This is honesty. You seeing this, and whether it offends/hurts/helps, you’re saying your thoughts. And I’m responding with mine. Mike asked me if he thought that these notes would cause another rift between us, and I told him I honestly didn’t think so, because we’re not hiding our thoughts from the other and just dancing around a subject. We have no grounds for a chasm, because we’re getting things out in the open. I have a feeling that ou had someone specific in mind when you said, “I’m used to it, and unlike some people–I’m not standing down again.” But because I don’t know who the “some people” could be I’ll say no more on it. (“Say no more.” “I shall say no more.”) I don’t hate you, and I don’t hate him. Yeah, I’m pissed off at him, but damn me, I’m incapable of hating him. And I don’t hate you for finally speaking your mind on these things to me. Thanks to Melanie’s influence, and situations in general that I’ve found myself in, I’m now a big advocate for honesty. I never said that I wanted to erase people from my heart, either! I know I can’t. I’ve wished too hard ad too long that I could stop caring, ust shell myself off so I wouldn’t be hurt anymore, and you know what? In twenty-one years, it hasn’t worked. I came close, but, great ironies of life, the one who insists he doesn’t care was the one who pulled me back. No, I don’t want to just wipe away all the good times we’ve had, and focus on all the bad, because that way I can close my herat to him. No. I’m not trying to close my heart. I still remember the good times. That’s part of the reason that the things I know about him will remain secret. Because when he told me them, he was the best firend I’d ever had. Those two would keep one another’s secrets, no problem, or so I believed then. And that’s where those secrets will stay. Yes, the good stuff that we brought to each other’s lives is worth fighting for, and is worth letting go of little things over. But the past few weeks, him running out of his house, promising me he wouldn’t go back, breaking that promise, choosing in the ultimatum, finding out that we didn’t mean enough, him deliberately placing that key there so I would chase after him, him betraying Mike… These are not little things that I can just overlook. These were not just little pains. And what “flying hands of fury????” In the past ten years, I can recall slapping three people, and one was because the person was in a state of shock, and I’ve read that a slap can bring someone out of that. So what the heck? “Flying hands of fury?” Sounds like something out of Greek mythology… Okay. ::Imagine me standing up and waving my hands around, a la Lou Costello, with a half grin, half expression of frustration on my face:: I NEVER SAID THAT YOU BETRAYED ME!!!! I MADE A DISTINCT MENTION THAT I NEVER SAID YOU DID IN MY ENTRY RIGHT AFTER THE SHIKON JEWEL OF A SOUL ONE!!!! YES, I KNOW YOU DIDN’T BETRAY ME. OR MAYBE WE BETRAYED ONE ANOTHER, AND THEREFORE, BOTH ABANDONED ONE ANOTHER, I DON’T CARE, IT DOESN’T MATTER, ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT I KNOW YOU DIDN’T BETRAY ME, AND I WISH THAT YOU WOULD STOP IMPLYING THAT YOU THINK I DO!!! ::Goes back to normal me, sitting on couch, seriously writing:: How do you figure that Jason gave an apology in his notes? He more or less said that the entire thing was my fault, all becasue despite the hints that he was dropping, I kissed him first. Well, here’s something for him to consider: it takes four lips to kiss. Here’s another thing: if he hadn;t been dropping the hints, I never would have kissed him. He went the extra mile to get me to kiss him first so that he could try and shoulder the blame off to me! (Yes, speculation, but for his parts in all this, I have nothing else, because he’s too damned stubborn to give a straight answer.) Btw, if notes are too cramped to write it in, write it as a private entry in the Super Grover diary, and I’ll read it there. We both know the password to that, and I can respond in there. Yeah, I know as well as anyone that this whole thing is stupid, and it sucks, and it shouldn’t be happening. But any changes between me and Jason don’t depend on me. They depend on him. If he can realize that to be a friend, you need to keep promises, and respect one another, and not betray someone when you say that you don’t want to make things more difficult for them, and own up to who your friends are and not be ashamed of them in front of anyone, then maybe… But frankly, he owes both me and Mike some pretty big apologies. Mike owes him nothing of the sort, and the only thing that someone can tell me I should do would be apologizing for slapping him. But honestly, I won’t. If I’d done it in the heat of the moment, then I probably would. But I went there that night, knowing that I was going to slap him, because for what he did to Mike, and me, that was the least of what he deserved. Yes, I won’t deny I still care about him. Hell, maybe I still even love him in that best friend sort of way. Yes, I need him. I won’t bother denying that either. But I will not stand with someone who proves to me repeatedly how little honor, and how little respect for promises he has. I didn’t say I wouldn’t fight, but I will not fight for someone who will use me, hurt me, and betray myself and my friends. If he can prove to me that he’s changed, or that he’s seen that this is his fault, instead of trying to pawn it off on me, then maybe. Yes, friendship is a wonderful thing. And yes, for a long time, most aspects of his and my best friendship were wonderful things. But I will not accept someone who should know me so well, insisting that all of this is my fault because I kissed him first. I will not accept so deliberate and obvious a betrayal on his part from someone who knows what I’ve been through with trust issues and betrayals. As Treebeard said, “A wizard should know better.” No, Jason is no wizard. But he was my best friend, and should have known better. I will fight for him, when I know that he has learned better.

–Notes–

Thanks for your note in my friend’s diary. I’ve had a hard time coming to that conclusion as well. Is abortion the same as ingesting drugs? I don’t believe abortion is the same as self abuse of the body, but that is only my opinion. I also believe that if she had kept the baby that God would have taken care of her, but that is not my choice to make and it certainly is not my place to judge her [Little Siamese]
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She already had her abortion. It’s up to her and God to figure out how to heal now and I just think it’s incredibly wrong for people to think that God wouldn’t forgive her or at least understand why she made the choice that she did. I’m so happy that you left your opinion in a constructive manner rather than throwing insults like a child LOL. I’d love to KIT with you in the future. [Little Siamese]
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You make some really good points. 🙂 ~Missy~ [Little Siamese]
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lol…. that dolly…. she just LOVES to leave notes, huh? 😉 [Nora’s Diary]
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That was a very long and powerful entry. BTW: Was I right about the secret crush? [OrcDragon65]
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Holy Mother Of God – this is a long entry LOL [BestFriendInLove]
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thank you, i will give him your sn…. want to give him everything i can ya know? thank you for the helping hand… [mystified~dreamer]
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Passion and compassion walk hand in hand… this flurry of passionate honesty is just awe inspiring. I know what you mean about still loving someone, even though they’ve hurt you, but you cannot budge because you cannot LIKE them as they’re ripping out your heart, but you still love them. Keep at it, because you are without a doubt, a true friend and a great person [Angel Knight]
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Um…Kate? REmember that time you kissed Jason in front of me while he and I were together, even though you KNEW it would sting me like…a thousand genetically enhanced bees? And I pretended like it was nothing, even joked “I can’t breath” because I knew you’d’ve done it the second I went home, anyway. The whole thing w/J and Mike is a lot like that. That’s what I’m drawing from. [HyacatDuncan]
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You say “YOU KNOW WHAT???” a whole lot. And ya know what? I don’t know what. You’re the most exasperating person I’ve ever had the priviledge of knowing. And, myabe you forgot, but you used to hit me a LOT when we were kids because you couldn’t stand being that close to someone for extended stays. Hit and pinched and teased. And, wow, I can’t believe how bitter I still am bout that. [HyacatDuncan]
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And, no, I guess I don’t really know you. How can I? I’m not in your head w/you and you can’t seem to express things in a very logical manner, to me. You said as much as, “Even if Jason only wants to be friends, I’m content with that, with just being able to kiss him.” Am I the only person that remembers these? JUST READ YOUR OWN ENTRIES! You flat out gave him permission, practically… [HyacatDuncan]
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…to kiss you without the more-than-friend love thing!!!! Yeesh! Ok. No more notes. [HyacatDuncan]