Jason,

I don’t know how you do it, but that hour and a half, two hours I spent with you cheered me up. Not permanently, but I’ve been in a better mood since yesterday afternoon.

I remember thinking on the way back home, that there have been times in my life when . . . Well, in about fourth grade, we had a sub in music class. He was this energized guy with a beard and mustache, who loved smiling, and was really funny. He had all of us dancing around, imitating Steve Urkel, even, as we sang different songs. I used to play on the playground afterschool, and then walk home from Sycamore. Well, I recall that day, I was at the playground, still smiling and laughing over that day’s music class, and I remember saying to myself that I would never stop smiling.

Sometimes I’ll smile to myself after remembering that, and think, ‘And I never really have.’ And sometimes I’ll think that it was ridiculous that I thought that. Of course I’ve stopped smiling. Maybe I’m too fanciful. I never thought that was a bad way to be. I’m not sure it’s a bad way to be now, but . . .

I don’t know. I used to make believe I had a Prince Charming who was waiting out there for me. I used to think I knew who he was. Until January of my eighth grade year, I had my entire future planned out. I knew who I was going to marry, I knew what I wanted to be, and I held fast to the belief that I would make it there one day . . .

Now . . . I don’t even know if I believe in soulmates anymore. There are just too many cases of unrequited love, and just about anyone you ask will say, “Well, they weren’t meant to be.” But if they weren’t, then why is someone’s heart always left broken?

I’m a fool. I know that. I’m a fool for a lot of reasons. I put faith where there is none. I put work and effort into relationships, friendships, long since gone. I put trust in places where only betrayal grows. Makes you wonder why I still have any faith left, doesn’t it?

I don’t know. I know part of it is because of you. You proved me right. That it was everyone else who was wrong about you. That I wasn’t crazy for still thinking you were someone worth knowing. It took time, but you did show me that. And now, looking back, I understand why you did things the way you did.

I just have so many questions, though. And I know you can’t answer all of them, though in your own way, you make the attempt, and sometimes find the answers, or lead me in the right direction of them, anyway. But, I sometimes wonder. I know some of the best liars you could ever meet. Unfortunately, including you. And in some of my darker moments . . . ALL of my darker moments, I can’t help wondering if I’m just being lied to. By anyone and everyone. I wouldn’t know. Not with how good I’ve seen some be at lying. I know. I’m paranoid. But wouldn’t anyone be, when they’ve been through what I have? I honestly doubt people when they say they have or have had cancer, thanks to my experiences my junior year! I mean, I figure, that’s gotta be one thing no one would stoop low enough to lie about, and yet . . . I knew the one person who did.

::Sigh:: I want feedback. From anyone who reads this. Once again, I’m just looking for . . . I don’t even know. Just feedback, for now. I guess.

–Notes–

Will was desperate for sympathy and attention. He’s really a thing to be pittied (emphasis on “thing” there), that he should feel a need to stoop so low, just to feel cared about. Plus, everyone lies. Sad fact. It’s not like we intend to cause emotional harm to one another. I mean, it’s only the truly sick and damaged that INTEND to hurt others (or the vengeance centered, for that matter). [HyacatDuncan]
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ER..where was I going w/this…? Oh, heck. People lie. You’ve lied, I’ve lied. We’ve all lied. To make ourselves seem more important, to “not hurt someone’s feelings”, to conceal a secret. But, some lies are pretty pleasant. Like, I lie to myself every day when I tell myself my husband loves me and I know I’ll get published, ‘cuz it makes me feel better. IT’s not a crime to lie to elevate [HyacatDuncan]
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your own spirits or those of your friend’s. It’s a survival tool. Wow. I’ve really managed to confuse my self this time. Did Any of this make sense? I don’t think it did. Oh, well. Here’s a happy lie: I am smart and everything I say is witty and amazing! =) See? Lies are our friends. [HyacatDuncan]