It’s Not A “Finally,” Joey . . .

No Good Deed
From:
Wicked

ELPHABA:

Fiyero!

Eleka nahmen nahmen
Ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen
Eleka nahmen nahmen
Ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen

Let his flesh not be torn
Let his blood leave no stain
Though they beat him
Let him feel no pain
Let his bones never break
And however they try
To destroy him
Let him never die
Let him never die…

Eleka nahmen nahmen
Ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen
Eleka nahmen nahmen
Ah tum ah tum eleka: eleka:

What good is this chanting?
I don’t even know what I’m reading!
I don’t even know which trick I ought to try
Fiyero, where are you?
Already dead, or bleeding?
One more disaster I can add to my
Generous supply?

No good deed goes unpunished
No act of charity goes unresented
No good deed goes unpunished
That’s my new creed
My road of good intentions
Led where such roads always lead
No good deed
Goes unpunished!

Nessa…
Doctor Dillamond…
Fiyero…
Fiyero!!

One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?
If that’s all good deeds are
Maybe that’s the reason why

No good deed goes unpunished
All helpful urges should be circumvented
No good deed goes unpunished
Sure, I meant well –
Well, look at what well-meant did:
All right, enough – so be it
So be it, then:
Let all Oz be agreed
I’m wicked through and through
Since I can not succeed
Fiyero, saving you
I promise no good deed
Will I attempt to do again
Ever again
No good deed
Will I do again!

Somehow this song just seemed to fit . . .

Joey, there’s something you need to know about me.  That rage, that hatred, that anger, everything I said in that last entry, and the things I didn’t say because I didn’t think of them, that’s been in my head for the past I don’t know how many years.  No, before problems with Dan, those thoughts weren’t about him, but they were about other people.  I was beat back far enough for that rage to develop when I was in grade school.  I didn’t create it.  It created itself because when people make fun of you, strike at you from every angle, as often as they can, every chance they can, where can that anger go?  No one can get rid of it fast enough.

Of course I’ve understood, then and now, the logic behind your vindictiveness.  But Joey?  You said you were truly proud of me.  Is that pride because of the fact that you have finally found a proven understanding in a true friend, when you never expected to find someone who could mirror your thoughts the way I did?  Or is it because I wrote about wanting someone to suffer, wanting to see them broken?  Writing about exactly how much hatred and anger I felt at everything he took from me, things I can never get back?

If it’s about the first, so be it.  That isn’t so bad.  In fact, it’s a rather nice thing when you find someone who can mirror your thoughts that way, even about something like this.  But if it’s about the second . . .

Finding out that somoene else has that same anger, that same rage is nothing to be proud of the person about.  Yes, anger is an emotion, and should be let out in some kind of healthy way, because bottling it up has disaterous results at times.  But wanting to see someone thoroughly defeated without any kind of lesson is nothing to be proud of.

This kind of anger is nothing that should be cultivated, Joey.  It’s not something that should be nursed so that it’ll grow.  It’s something that should be extinguished if possible.  Because you know where all this anger at Dan got me, Joey?  As close to emotionally broken as I’ve ever come, as well as turning physically abusive towards Mike later on during arguments we had over Dan.  Mike wouldn’t fight back against me, even tough he could have easily knocked me unconscious with one blow.   . . . probably because he could knock me unconscious with one blow.

Anyway.  I said months ago that I believe you’re a good person.  I still hold by that, regardless of understanding what you meant with our darker, more vindictive side.  Because, Joey, if you wanted to, if you truly let go and didn’t care, I think you’d release that darker side, and strike down the ones who’ve hurt you.  Without mercy, without caring, and without any remorse whatsoever.

But . . . you don’t.  And I think the reason you don’t is the same as at least one of mine.  Because when you get down to it, you do care.  I think that some part of you, though relishes in the fantasies of maiming others, and imagining torture methods and the like, wouldn’t actually want to do that to another person, because you know you’d regret it.  It would haunt you, that you lost it enough to do that to another person.  Just like it haunts me that, because of Dan, I lost it enough to do what I did to Mike . . .

I know.  You’d say that it’s a slightly different situation, because you’d strike out at the ones who hurt you, not at someone else caught up in your anger’s wake.  Yet . . . if you ever decided you truly didn’t care, what would keep you from lashing out at anyone and everyone?  Possibly, even, including me.

Everyone has that darker side.  But it’s what we do with that darker side that makes all the difference.  Either it consumes us, in which case, we may as well just be empty shells controlled by nothing more than hatred.  And one thing about hatred: it’s like wildfire.  It burns and consumes, and there’s nothing left when it’s done, so it has to move on, always finding a new target.

Or the guilt from an action taken in a darker moment consumes us, in which case, God only knows what the outcome can be.

Or, we fight that dark side, and believe that there are still people left who are good in the world.

I’ve chosen the third.  I won’t be consumed, either by anger or by guilt.  I’m going to fight, because that’s the only course I can take.  It’s by no means the easy road, but I don’t think I’m walking it alone, Joey.  After all, if you weren’t beside me on this walk, we wouldn’t be so similar.