It Don’t Come Easy
What if? is an interesting question, but it can also bring a lot of pain. I’ve always played the ‘what if?’ game throughout different periods in my life. I suppose the most funny and poignant and painful are the ‘what if’s?’ I can come up with concerning Dolly. I knew her before I could remember, and until I was seventeen, she was my best friend. For two years after that, we had a somewhat rocky friendship, and then, on the night of November first, it all ended in one big blowout over an IM. I still can’t read that IM. I read it over once, because I showed it to Jason, but when I look at the thing to click on to call up that IM, I can’t do it. I can’t click on it. It still just hurts too much. Just to know that I have a record of the destruction of what had been the most important friendship in my life.
Dolly was the one person I expected to know for my entire life. The one who I thought would always be there for me to talk to. Or have hot chocolate with. Or have grahma crackers and frosting iwth. Or watch Beatles videos with. Or laugh about the most ridiculous stuff with. Yeah, I have three guy best friends now, Mike, Ryan, and Jason, but they aren’t the same. True, I’ve laughed harder with Jason about some things than I did over a lot of stuff with Dolly, but . . .
I don’t regret that she and I had it out, and finally just went seperate ways. We’d been going seperate ways for years, it just took us a while to realize it and be willing to go out on our own. I just wish that it had happened on better terms. I did need something definite, because at least I had been so uncertain in the past. Ever since that one day where she called me up and said things between us were caput, I’d been uncertain of our friendship. Things after that were never the same, though I think we both tried to pretend that they were. Heh. Neither of us succeeded with that deception.
Yeah, I miss her. Yeah, I have sixteen years worth of memories, a bit more than that, actually, of her and me. Ice skating, singing, playing Barbies, playing My Little Ponies, talking about guys, taling about vampires, so many laughs . . .
Ryan, Jason, and Mike all knew Dolly. But Ryan I don’t think really understood the bond that used to be between me and her. Mike only met her after she started changing for the worse. Jason, I feel, is the only one who really understands when I talk about her and say I miss her or something. He knows how much she meant to me, because she meant a great deal to him as well, despite the short time they knew one another.
Things that happened with Dolly aren’t anyone’s fault. People change, and unfortunately, Dolly, without even her “B.F.F.A.A.F.” guessing, changed for the worst. “B.F.F.A.A.F.” stands . . . Stood . . . for Best Friends For Always And Forver. I don’t remember which one of us made that one up, but that’s what she and I always called ourselves. We had a bunch of private jokes, too. Things we’d draw on the envelopes of letters we wrote to one another. And our “One-Two-Three” ritual. When we’d talk on the phone, neither one of us wanted to be the first one to hang up, so we made up that ritual, where we’d pick something funny, or whatever, in the conversation. Like one we used was “Super Grover.” So, we’d say, “One, two, three, Super Grover!” And then we’d hang up simultaneously.
I’ve never instated that ritual with anyone else, though on a couple of ocassions, I’ve tried. It’s never worked.
I remember one time that told me something definitley was different about our friendship was when I said, “One, two, three . . .” and trailed off, waiting for her to suggest something, and all she said was something like, “Let’s just hang up, Kate.”
Sigh. I hate that things had to happen as they did between her and me. But all in all, considering the courses our lives were going, I’m glad that things finally did end. We were both torturing ourselves by not ending it.
–Notes–
I understand the feelings you have of missing Dolly. I feel the same way with Andrea. I love her..I always will. I miss her…but I know we parted ways for a reason. That doesn’t make it hurt any less. I will sometimes see or heae something that will remind me of her, and I miss her even more. But we didn’t have a fight..we just slowly drifted. Sometimes I almost wish for a fight..to understand [SolarEclipse]
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why we drifted apart when we were once so close. I’ve tried to fix things..but things aren’t the same anymore. People change..sometimes for the better, sometimes not. But I’m happy knowing she’s influenced my life in many ways and that I had the pleasure of knowing her. I still think the world of her, and often wish things were different, as I’m sure you do with Dolly. [SolarEclipse]
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I guess I’ll hit you back with a little bit of musical knowledge that can put your “what if” question in a little bit of perspective. Tim McGraw has a song called “Red Ragtop” and in that song he sings…. “Don’t ask what if.. it’s a waste of time.. will drive you out of your mind”. I couldn’t agree more. *hugs* Jeremy [Jeremy DeForrest]
————————————————————————— wow–ive known my best friend for 6 years and we’ve been best friends ever since we met…sure we’ve had our ups nad downs(some of them BIG downs) but i cant imagine losing her… we just have this really special bond and we like to say that we have the “same brain” lol… but i really hope we dont draw apart- we’ve had some really big fights but we always got over them… i love her to death and [*~pinkpolkadot~*]
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i cant imagine losign her or her not being my best friend…we have soooooo many memories and inside jokes and we can talk to each other about EVERYTHING! i just had to get that off my chest…i guess this entry u worte has made me realize how lucky i am to have what i have even if it doesn’t seem like the best in the world but it really is…i know things change but i cant think about it.. [*~pinkpolkadot~*]
————————————————————————— i m glad i got that out … ive wanted to say it for a whiele…im gonna let her look at this now… anyway… i guess u dont know what u would lose until its gone…i hope i dont have to deal with that…im gonna shut up now!! [*~pinkpolkadot~*]