Invisible

Just because that’s the song I’m listening to right now. But in a way, it fits. If you read my earlier entries, I was angry, depressed, and hurting from everything that had happened to me between myself and everyone. But, as you read on, you can see I’ve grown, even through the short time I’ve been on Free Open Diary.

I found one entry where I mention my four way locket. I remember, when I was sixteen, I wanted to put pictures of myself and three other people into that locket. Just as principle, Dolly was automatically one of those three people. That summer was the one with Jason, and I figured that he would be on of the three, as well, since I felt so close to him so fast. But I didn’t have a fourth person. I wanted Ryan to be the fourth person, but I didn’t feel close enough to him back then. He and I were friends, but I had a crush on him, and I think he considered me t be a bit more of an annoyance most of the time. Then, everything with Jason’s mom happened, and I lost my third person. I lost a lot of things that summer, I realize now.

Heck, Dolly and I had even made up a band name that we would use, and we made-believe that the members were her, myself, Jason, and Ryan. We were the Freedles, even if Ryan was the most remote member of our little imaginary group. But you know what I realized?

I have my Freedles back.

Ryan and I are closer than we’ve ever been, Jason and I are best friends, and Dolly and I . . . I can’t even describe how good it feels to be talking to her again. Once again, in an earlier entry, I said that sometimes it hurt so much to know that she was gone, and other times, it felt like nothing had changed, like I could still pick up the phone and call her, and it would just be as if we hadn’t talked in a long time. It felt like the second. And I’m so grateful to Jason for pouring that salt.

::Laughs:: Okay, that needs explaining. I always felt like the thing with Dolly was this open wound I had, that I was just hoping would heal on it’s own. Yeah, I’d nurse it, or scratch open the slowly forming scab occasionally, but ultimately, I tried to ignore it, even though I somehow knew that other people always saw it there. But it was like no one knew what to do about it. Except Jason. He took a shaker of salt and poured the whole thing out on said wound, until I had to pay attention to it, and tend to it correctly. And tend I did. To the tunes of My Immortal, I signed offline, closed down the computer, and called her. I do think that in the beginning, it was awkward, but now . . . It’s not. It’s . . . I can’t say it’s like we never stopped talking, but . . . it’s like we’re doing things right now. I used to feel invisible, because so many people had drifted away, or I’d had arguments with, or whatever.

Well, I’ve taken off the cloak. Can you see me?

I think you can.

–Notes–

Aw Kate! You sound so much better today 🙂 BTW I read your entry about newspaper personal ads. If you’re going to try that route, I’d actually suggest looking into Internet personals. There’s one site that even allows a 2 weeks trial period and it works quite well (tried it myself my first semester in college). It wasn’t for me but you should give it a shot. Wish I could remember the name of it… [Jill*Rose]
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ryn: I think it’s more odd that they’re all rectangle shaped. Hopefully it’s just something simple, like alien abduction. [Ron Henry]