In Love

You know, eleven years ago, today was also a Sunday.  I woke up, went to Friend Day at the Baptist Church in Matawan (where you’re supposed to bring a friend who doesn’t normally come to church and then you get a pancake breakfast,  ) then we picked up Mike and he came to the house where I wanted to talk to him about the depression he was in because of this girl who rejected him.  We didn’t talk much at first, at least not in depth, about that whole thing.  I remember we went to see Scream 3.  We walked to the Multiplex and walked back and when we were back at the house, he realized he was getting sick.  We holed up in my room when we got back to the house and I read him this thing I’d written the day or two before saying how worried I was about him and would he tell me what was going on in his head?  He asked for, or maybe pulling out a writing implement (pencil) and started writing this whole thing in a notebook I still have somewhere.  Before he left that night, I gave him the key half of a two part keychain my Nana had given me years before.

Today, once again, I was meeting up with a guy.  It was Drew.  Once again, we had a relationship snag on Thursday, but over text, determined that we would meet up today at one and talk things out.  Well, he texted me this morning and asked if we could meet at the IHOP near me at eleven thirty.  I said no problem.  I was almost done getting ready anyway, so I quickly finsihed up.  IHOP was exceptionally crowded, though, so we decided to go to Perkins instead.  It was crowded, too, but we only waited about ten or fifteen minutes for a table.  While we were there, we did talk a bit, but not much.  When we got out of there, he aid he was going to a comic shop between me and his mom’s, so I said I’d meet him there and on the way out, I saw him pull out a different entrance and then pull back in to the next entrance near where someone is selling a dozen rose boquets for Valentine’s Day.  I wondered to myself if he could be buying them for me, but I kinda thought to myself, "Nah . . ." cuz I didn’t wanna get my hopes up.

Well, I got to Zapps before him and I waited on the sidewalk outside the place.  When I saw him pull in, I watched him park, get out, and reach back in for the boquet of roses.  I smiled to myself and turned around so I was looking at the storefront with my back to the parking lot.  Drew came up on my left and pretty much just kinda flung the roses out to me and held them in front of me till I took them.    It really was a sweet gesture, though.  The last time he got me a rose was right after we moved into the apartment, so well over a year ago.

After we got out of there, we went back to his mom’s house and up to his room, where he restrung a guitar he got recently and we talked some more.  It’s interesting how badly stereotypes and expectations can screw people up.  Ultimately, Drew’s afraid.  He’s scared of putting faith in a relationship, he’s scared of being alone, he’s scared of trusting someone else instead of keeping them at arm’s length . . .  Not only that, but he’s fallen into the stereotypical guy behavior of fear or sadness or tears meaning weakness.  And he’s been this way for pretty much his entire life.  So not only am I trying to fight against forty years of insecurity, I’m also fighting against forty years of HIDING these insecurities or emotions that he thinks make him "weak."

I think, though, that he made some progress today, because he directly said to me that he was scared.  So him being able to admit that was a good first step.  Plus, he said that he would try in the future to just tell me if he was afraid instead of running away.

Our relationship is back on track.  I don’t doubt that we’ll continue having bumps or arguments , but you know what?  Yeah, I’ve complained about him, complained about things concerning him, ranted about different breakup things or just plain bad situations between us , but all in all, he’s worth sticking with.  I thought I had once before, but I’ve never met someone who I just feel right with.  Who I fit with.  I can’t imagine my life without him and to be honest, I don’t want to.

Oh, plus, while I don’t want to jinx it, he’s cutting down on smoking and slowly working at quitting.  Instead of buying a pack a day, he’s now down to a pack a week!  And he told me today that he’s pretty much only smoking on the weekends and trying not to during the week.  Not only that, but he’s not getting annoyed when I ask him about it anymore.

When we were at the comic shop, he actually said to me that I should call up Yesterday’s and make a reservation for us for tomorrow.  I said we didn’t need reservations, I didn’t last year.  (It’s where we went last year on Valentine’s Day.)  So it looks like we’re gonna go to Yesterday’s tomorrow.    I’m glad.  Yeah, he may not be the most romantic guy in the world, or like doing romantic things, but the fact that he’s willing to make that concession on Valentine’s Day for me is really sweet.

I love him.