I’m A Fool . . .

Part of how I found out some different things about what was going on with Mike was finidng his livejournal.  Last night, there was an entry complaining about the stupidity of Paris Hilton in what he calls his weekly "Argh" entries.  I found it entertaining, but rather pointless, considering he was complaining about how much she was in the media for things and there he is, highlighting an entire entry over her stunts.  And I commented as much, saying first I know I said I’d give him space, but . . . and so on.  The thing was maybe three sentences, too, so it’s not like I wrote the grersat American novel in a note there.

Wait, here we go.  This is what I wrote: "Um, I know I said I’d give you space and everything but I just had to bring up thing point. I get the whole "argh entries" thing, but if you’re so sick of her, why even dignify her presence on this planet with a sentence, let alone an entire entry dedicated to her stupidity?"

I got this back: "For the first, it’s not exactly a rant dedicated to her stupidity, rather it’s simply me writing about what I find stupid in the world. I happen to find her stupid, so I write about it. It’s pretty much just a commentary on what I find stupid at the time.

"For the second, as you’d referenced yourself, you’d said you’d give me space. The phone call was acceptable; the IM was sort of pushing it, but you had your reasons, and I understand that; now you’re leaving comments on my livejournal, and I think we’ve gone past what is okay. I’m going to ask this politely. Please leave me alone. Please do not leave me comments. And please stop reading my livejournal entries if you are not able to not comment. It’s not helping you with your life with Rob, nor is it helping me in any way to believe that you are willing to give me space."

Can we say ouch?  I started crying when I wrote my reply.  It wasn’t what I would actually like to say in this, but here’s what I did respond, under the suject heading, ‘Backing off…’ : "I’ll discontinue reading them, then. So you know, I sent out the cards. Since I’m taking your reply to my previous comment as an indication that you won’t reply, you don’t even need to read the letter enclosed.

Good bye."

Why is it that he’s always been so quick to forgive everyone else?  Why is it that he could never tell anyone else to just leave him alone?  Why is it that all the negativity has to be placed at me?

And what does he know of my life with Rob?  He doesn’t know me anymore!  He never knew Rob.  Where does he get off commenting about that?  For all he knows, I could just be emotionally unattached to anything I write to him.  For all he knows, I could be sitting here, completely cool headed, not wanting with all my heart to call him or see him and just start shouting at him about why is it so much easier for him to forgive everyone else, but me, he only lectures on the merits of forgiveness and never grants me any?

I’m a fool.  A stupid, too-hopeful, idiotic fool . . .

I give up.  I’m not gonna go to his livejournal anymore.  If I can, I’m gonna go back to pushing him to the very edges of my awareness, because at least then . . . it doesn’t hurt quite so much.

If that reply is proof positive of anything, it’s that he’ll never be in my life again.  So I may as well get used to it.

Huh.  Andy warned me, a long time ago, not to fall for a ghost.  I wish I had the ability to not do just that.

I wish I could cut that cord I still feel slightly tugging at me.