I’m A Bloody Fool . . .

Well, I’ve got more than a couple people woried about me and have promised a couple more than that a story about what happened on Sunday.  ::Sighs::  Have you ever been so thoroughly proven you shouldn’t have a crush on someone?  Have you ever been so thoroughly proven that this person isn’t who you thought he was?  Have you ever realized this and cried over it?  I did, Sunday night.

On Saturday, Mike and I were talking and I told him that the next time Mike Keller called, he should tell him that I’m usually free on Sundays, so if we could hang out on Sunday, I could join in Ideology, that board game Mike Keller wanted to get some practice in on.  Well, who calls not fifteen minutes after those words leave my lips?  Who else!  So, Mike told him what I said about Sunday, he said he’d call someone else and if that person could make it, we’d play Ideology the next day.

Sunday at around three, Mike Keller calls and tells Mike that everything’s set to go, can we be there around four.  Then it changed to five, but I was like all right, whatever, gives me a bit more time.  We left and got to his house at about ten after five, where I waited outside for a bit, cuz I wanted to talk to Andy.  Unfortunately, he wasn’t home, so I put my phone back in my bag and knocked on the door.  Mike Keller lets me in and just gestures for me and Mike to go up the stairs to the dining room where the table was set up for us to play, but the other guy wasn’t there yet.

So, yeah.  One thing that I’ve always felt in his house, around him, is that you can cut the tension with a knife.  Sunday was no exception.  I just stared at the fish tank with all the exotic fish his family has, or played with my phone, or muttered things to Mike about how I had to get in contact with Andy soon.

Finally, the fourth person showed up.  The games weren’t that bad, except for the fact that Mike talked too much, or said completely useless things, and Mike Keller seemed to take every opportunity to insult him about it.  I admit, I was more on Mike Keller’s side there, because there are too many times where I wish Mike would just shut the f*ck up!  Seriously, it’s like Mike doesn’t know how to not say something.  If he thinks it, he says it, and that annoys the Hell outta me.  I mean, who needs to hear someone muttering to themselves about, "Hmm, now let’s see, I could do this…"

Anyway, his family ordered pizza and the four of us got slices during the second game, which was when Mike Keller and the other guy started listening in on what was happening in the baseball game.  I swear, I hear the games on the radio enough at work!  You’d think on my day off, I could be baseball free!  But, no, of course not.

We did get some good laughs in during the second game and I felt a lot better and more comfortable.  And, I don’t remember what initiated it, but Mike Keller said if we wanted, there were other games we could play besides Ideology.  I suggested Meelee, but since the game was still on . . .

So he showed us this game called Zengo, I think it is.  It was a neat little game where you had different sized and colored pyramids.  One person was the master and knew a rule about the pyramids.  Then he built a correct one and a wrong one and it would go around to the other players until someone figured out what the rule was.  And the rules could be as easy or as hard as you want, within reason.  Like, "It must contain one blue piece."  Or, "It must contain three red pieces and a green piece lying down."

It was funny seeing Mike Keller spazzing out when he couldn’t figure out what rule Mike had chosen.  That was hysterical.  Then later, because he was getting bored with it, Mike as good as gave it away.  I can see getting bored with no one getting it, but come on, you know?  I wanted to figure out what the damn thing was!  It’s like a brain teaser game and I suck at those, but still.

So, after that, I was saying how I still wanted to play Meelee, I wanted to face-off against Mike Keller.  Mike wanted to get back, though, cuz he worked in the morning.  So I asked if it was all right that I drop Mike off and come back alone.  Mike Keller said that the game would probably be over in about an hour, which would put the time at about eleven, so I figured, okay, that works.

I dropped Mike off, played a quick game with him, then decided I had time, I’d make a stop over at Keansburg to see Shannon and whoever else showed up at the karaoke bar.  Qui, Bryan, Colleen, Raj, Denny, and Bryan’s mom, (Hmm . . . maybe I’m glad I didn’t stay,) were there besides Shannon.  Qui was hoping to become a finalist in that contest and had her contest song picked out.  I told them I was only staying for a little while cuz I wanted to go back and play Meelee.  It was funny, Shannon, when she heard that, said, "You should stay.  We’re much cooler than Mike Keller."  I just shrugged, and said, "Yeah, but I want the chance to kick his ass at Meelee."

Anyway, I left after about ten minutes and drove back over there, psyching myself up for Meelee.  But when I came back, Mike Keller basically answered the door, I held up my Game Cube pad, and he just kinda shrugged.  He went back to the kitchen where he and the other guy were still watching the game.  I stood in the dorrway for a few minutes, then went back over to the table we’d all played Ideology at.  I was alone there for a good half hour or so, playing with my phone, making novel notes, heck, I even called to see if Dolly was home.  She wasn’t, but I was able to talk to her mom for a bit.

When the game was finally over, we went down to the basement, where the TV and systems were.  We set up the game, reset it about three times cuz of the memory card and something funky going on with the third guy’s controller, and then started to play.

The games weren’t that bad.  I was pronounced a "Kill Thief" by Mike Keller, cuz I was getting the most kills, and probably stealing a couple from either of them, but you know what?  Oh, well.  I played damn hard at that game.  Unfortunate thing is, I only won two or three of them.  And God only knows how many games we played, since we were going from midnight until about two AM.

The thing that really got me pissed off was this:  The other guy that was there happened to mention Double Dragon, an old Nintendo game.  That spurred me to say that I hadn’t thought about that game since Tommy Bartell lived next door and the other guy, just going along with me, says, "Man, that has been a long time."  Mike Keller asked if he as serious and he said he had no idea, so I mentioned that he’d moved away when I was ten.  They asked wo Tommy Bartell was and I told them — the chess champion of New Jersey.  And get this.  Mike Keller actually starts laughing at me, and pretty much demands to know why they should believe that.  He actually started in on me "not giving any believable sources" to vouch for my claim and all that kinda stuff.  So I mentioned the Asbury Park Press

newspaper article about the ten simultaneous games and then the talk that Tommy Bartell gave about chess a couple weeks ago.  While I was saying that, the other guy was booting up one of the computers down there to check out what I was saying.  What we found is I guess there is no chess champion of New Jersey, but they did find his name on one of those lists of insanely good players, and when the other guy said yeah, his name was there, I said, sarcastically, "See?  He exists."

But that really pissed me off.  I mean, just the fact that Mike Keller a) didn’t believe what I said Tommy Bartell’s accomplishments were, and b) acted like I didn’t have the intelligence to question it and find out if it was true myself.  That really, really pissed me off.  So much so that even when he complimented me later on my aim with one of the items in Meelee, I barely reacted.

Mike Keller and I had a one on one game after all the three way ones when we realized it was almost two.  He did beat me, but it was close.  I killed him four times, he killed me five.  And he had to come back from behind.  But he finished with only twenty one percent when I died for the fifth and final time.

Anyway.  We left after that and as I was driving home, I actually started crying.  I wasn’t even able to put into words until Monday night why it angered me so much what he’d said and implied about the whole thing with Tommy Bartell.  Yet I knew it really upset me.  Part of the reason was because I fully, completely realized that I’d, without even realizing it, done something Andy warned me not to do.  Fall for a ghost.

I spent a good deal of the ride home in tears and calling myself an idiot, a fool, etc., for falling for someone who didn’t exist.  As well as for someone who obviously had no idea what it was like to . . . just have fun, I guess would be it.  I came home and went online for a bit, but I didn’t feel like typing everything out.  So I watched some InuYasha episodes, came upstairs, and attempted sleep.  As I was laying there, though, he wouldn’t leave my mind, no matter how hard I tried to push him out.  Eventually, I found myself crying again, not even sure why again, just knowing that I was berating myself for being a fool and falling for someone like that.

I’ve got another story about Monday, but it’ll have to wait for the next entry, since this one’s gonna be long enough.  On Monday night, though, when I got back from work, I was sitting in the dining room, and I started thinking again.  Oh, the tings I come up with when I think!  I wrote Mike Keller a letter, telling him that I doubt he noticed it, but he’d truly hurt my feelings when I was over there the previous night.  I told him why my feelings had been hurt and then said something along the terms of, "I consider you a friend.  Therefore, I have some measure of trust in you.  I do not think you’d purposely deceive me.  Considering al this, though, perhaps I should re-evaluate that assessment?"

I also told him something else.  That I’d fallen for him.  Or who I thought he was.  That I had no idea why, but I’d felt this way ever since last summer, which was why I enjoyed it so much when he would come to Game Factory.  Then I said, much as what I’d opened the letter with, that I hoped he’d think about what I’ve written before responding.

I actually sealed, addressed, and stamped the envelope for that letter.  It was only what Dolly and I would call a "pathetic one-pager," but I think it got the point across.

I put that letter in my purse Monday night so no one else would find it.  I still wasn’t sure then if I would actually send it or not.  I’d written it with the intent of him seeing it, but let’s face it —  he’s the most intimidating person I know.  Doesn’t make for an easy decision of whether to send it or not, especially considering it admitted I liked him.

On Tuesday, though, I got to work and on my way to my first delivery, I made my decision.  I went to the post office and sent it without a second thought.  I decided that while I may be a bloody fool, I absolutely REFUSE to be a cowardly fool.  Besides, I kept remembering Mr. Maltzman’s poster that was hanging up my junior year in his office.  "You regret more the things you didn’t do than the things you did."

So yeah.  That’s my story.  I hope he responds, even if it’s just to laugh in my face, or say he’s not interested, or if, by some miracle he actually apologizes for hurting my feelings.

If I get a response from him, you can bet I’ll write about it here later on.

::Sighs::  Methinks I should have just stayed at the karaoke bar . . .