I’ll Be There For You?

I’ll Be There For You

So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s D.O.A.
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear
And it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year

but..
I’ll be there for you – when the rain starts to pour
I’ll be there for you – like I’ve been there before
I’ll be there for you
‘Cuz you’re there for me too…

You’re still in bed at ten, and work began at eight
You’ve burned your breakfast, So far… things are goin’ great
Your mother warned you there’d be days like these
But she didn’t tell you when the world has brought
You down to your knees that…

I’ll be there for you – when the rain starts to pour
I’ll be there for you – like I’ve been there before
I’ll be there for you
‘Cuz you’re there for me too…

No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems you’re the only one who knows
What it’s like to be me
Someone to face the day with
Make it through all the rest with
Someone I’ll always laugh with
Even at my worst I’m best with you, yeah

It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear
And it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year…

I’ll be there for you – when the rain starts to pour
I’ll be there for you – like I’ve been there before
I’ll be there for you
‘Cuz you’re there for me too…

I’ll be there for you
I’ll be there for you
I’ll be there for you
‘Cuz you’re there for me too…

I’ve been thinking.

“Lefou, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking.”

“A dangerous pastime–“

“I know.”

Anyway.  I was thinking today.  I have time to do that, what with all the driving and sitting around I do on runs or between them.  Not to mention I was practicing Wicked songs for the Strawberry Festival.  I swear, Joey’s somehow seeing one song if I pull it off.

One of the main things I thought about was Jason.  Heh.  One of?  Who am I kidding.  The only thing I thought about was him.  Melanie told me yesterday that he’d told her if I ever truly needed him, that he’d be the first person at my side.  (Besides Mike, considering his residency in the house.)  Yesterday, I swear, I probably came close to crying after I heard that, just because I was happy to hear it.  But today . . .

Today I wonder why I let myself believe it, even for a minute.  He wouldn’t be here for me.  He can’t even note me to tell me he’s still reading this diary, if he even is.  He’s just disappeared off into the night, hiding in the shadows of my life.  When Ivy died, where was he?  Damnit, my first instinct was still to go to him!  And he can’t even leave a note saying, “I’m sorry about your loss.”???

::Sighs::  It kills me.  The entire situation kills me.  And the fact that he said something like that . . .  Maybe he thinks he means it, but I know it’s just a lie.  If he truly meant it, he wouldn’t just be slinking around in the shadows of my life.  Even though I won’t answer, he’d leave notes, he’d let me know he still cares.  If he even still reads this thing . . .

And it drives me nuts that no one truly understands what I’m going through.  I think some people can imagine something close, but I don’t think anyone fully grasps it.  If they did, they wouldn’t say I was giving ultimatums, they wouldn’t tell me I was abandoning him, they wouldn’t tell me . . . I don’t even know what.  All I know is no one fully gets it.  Everyone around me seems to think that I should be happy with a secret friendship where he makes all the rules because that psychotic bitch of a “mother” is still pulling his strings!  Explain to me how you all see it as ‘okay’ that I’m belittled by someone who calls himself my best friend.  Yes, belittled.  How can it be called anything else?  Apparently, I’m supposed to remain hidden, something to be ashamed of.  And apparently, I’m supposed to be okay with that.

Well, hate to tell you, but I’m not okay with it.  It’s simple fact that just because you’re related to someone does not make them family.  Family means the people closest to you.  Who care about you, who care about your well-being, and who want the best for you.  Family doesn’t necessarily mean blood and I think it’s foolish for anyone to insist that it does or that it has to.

Ah, screw it.  I don’t want to go into it.  No one’ll believe me, anyway.

I just wish I could get everything out of my system about Jason.  I hate it.  Because even now, months after the last time I saw him, he’s still all I can think about on a given day.  I mean, now that I’ve had time alone, away from him to think on everything, I’m slowly coming to the conclusions I should have probably years ago.  But still.  It doesn’t help me right now.

I know he’s incredibly selfish.  Literally, when we reestablished contact, from that moment after that first IM, he made all the rules.  Because of his cowardice, he controlled when I saw him.  He controlled when he saw me.  And of course, he always controlled how often he did, or more accurately, didn’t contact me.  In some ways, I wonder if he’s happier with what I decided in October.  I mean, multiple times when we were having that hidden friendship, he claimed he’d contact me, but always broke that promise.  Then there was that summer where he said no, he wouldn’t lose contact with me.  That was the summer before he went up to Kean for the first time.  And we all know how that one went.  A few days after my birthday was the last time I heard from him until the end of September, when Melanie knew it was driving me nuts, and yelled at him over an IM to quit doing that to me and to talk to me.

All in all, he’s collectively given me more crap than anyone I’ve ever met.  The losing contact, the secrets, the purposely hiding things, the manipulations, the betrayal . . .

I still find it sickening that he did that to Mike.  I mean, there Mike is, trusting him with something that no one else knew at that point besides me.  Asking his opinion on it and all that, and talking to him as someone he really trusts.  And Jason knew that Mike still had feelings for me.  Mike had told him so sometime in April.  Yet about three weeks later, there Jason is, dropping hints for me to kiss him.  And his reason for the whole thing?  He didn’t think.  He didn’t know what he wanted and he didn’t think of what it might do to Mike.

And yet, I still say I love him.

God

, what the Hell is wrong with me?!?  How can I write everything I just did and still say that?  Why did I fall for him in the first place?  What is it that made me do it?

If he does contact me in a year, or however long it’ll be, I don’t know what I’ll say.  I really don’t.  I can’t just say, “Oh, okay, cool,” as if nothing happened in all this time.  Because things have happened.  Too much has happened for me to pretend.

But I don’t even know if I’ll have to worry about him coming back into my life.  I admit, in some ways, I hope he does.  But I also know that he’s never come back into my life of his own volition.  There’s always been some kind of instigation by me, or by someone else.  I wonder, when left to his own devices, will I really mean enough to him to come back to?

I don’t mean enough to him for him to leave me notes now.  So why should I think that he would do something bigger when even more time has passed?

I wish I could just cry and scream and get this all out of my system in one huge lump and never think about it — or him, again.  But I don’t work that way.  I do love him — for whatever reason, I do think about him, and God help me, I miss him more than anything.

Maybe it’s just as well he doesn’t note me.  After all, I doubt he knows if he’ll contact me once he’s out of Kean, or whenever it would be.  So why give me false hope?