I Hate This

I hate it.  I still miss Jason, and just when I think I’m getting over him, he goes and pulls something like that contest entry.  The more I think about it, the more I’m certain he was only doing that to bait me into E-mailing him.

I hate that there are times when I still think about Mike Keller and wonder if things could have been.  I actually think some part of me still lkes the jerk.  But it’s not like I’m around him at all to be able to get to know him.  Not to mention that I speculated today that maybe the fact that I am perceptive and he’s icked up on that could be why he seems to keep me at such an arm’s length.

I hate that I still wonder about who my friends are at times.  I hate that… and this is weird… I couldn;t hold onto my grudge against Dan.  I didn’t want to forgive him.  I didn’t want to let him back in, in any measure.  I didn’t want to be friendly with him, I didn’t want to have fun when he’s around.  I know I’ll never trust him fully, but . . . Argh.

Yeah, in case you haven’t figured it out, I have fully forgiven him.  Believe me, I’ll never forget.  But I have forgiven.  I’ll never make the mistake of trying to trust him with something again, at least not anything big, but even so . . .

It happened sometime in December.  After he and I started DDRing together, when him, me, and Mike would go.  I was driving home one day and I realized that was what had happened.  I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself, though.  Lol.  I actually said to myself, “No, I’m not ready to admit this to myself, this is not what’s going on.”  I still don’t want him to know, though.  Let him stay paranoid for a bit.  Heh, heh, heh . . .

But I didn’t want that to happen!  I didn’t want to forgive.  But somehow, I didn’t seem to have a choice in the matter.  It just kind of happened.  ::Sighs::

I don’t know.  I’m in an odd mood.  I almost wish no one on here knew me in real life.  Then I could write whatever the Hell I wanted about anyone I wanted.  I want to be free to be able to do that.  But in a lot of ways, I care too much about what other people think.  Okay, maybe not what they think, but I don’t want to hurt someone.  I don’t like hurting people and I don’t like conflict.  That’s why if I write anything, it’s cryptic little things like what’s on the entry before last.  Admittedly, a couple might figure out who I mean on a couple of them.  One is blatantly obvious, I feel.  But the others . . .  I don’t think anyone’ll figure it out.

::Sighs::  I get into weird moods late at night.  Well, I’m off.  It’s almost two in the morning here.