I Don’t Believe

There’s a song that John Lennon wrote, where almost every line starts out, “I don’t believe . . .”

I find the same can be said for me right now.  I don’t believe in romance.  I don’t believe in love.  I don’t believe in fairness.  I don’t believe in honor.  I don’t believe in friendship.

I don’t know what I believe in now.  And I don’t know what to write to follow this up.  I don’t know.  Just when I think I’m getting somewhere, and figuring things out, something happens, and I’m back behind square one.

I’m just trying to find out simple truths of life, and every time I think I have one, something comes along to defy it, and I’m left with nothing.  Dust rising up from my hands, because that’s all that’s left of my theory.  Literally, the only thing I’ve found to be true is that there’s one thing that lasts.  Hate.

I guess it’s sort of along the lines of the age old question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?”  Maybe I’m trying to find a way to answer that for myself.

In some ways, it’s like everyone around me is playing an elaborate game, and the rules are all very intricate and complicated.  They understand them perfectly, but I don’t.  At least, not until it seems to be far too late.

Maybe I don’t believe in the confines society puts us in.  Maybe it’s simply a matter of accepting that life isn’t a game, it’s not a race, it’s not something you can win or lose at.  You succeed, and you do it one of two ways.  By cheating others, hurting or drowning anyone in your path, or by helping them, and bouncing back each time you’re hurt.

But how do you bounce back?  What gives a person the strength to go on after losing someone, or being extremely hurt, or suffering something or other?

I’ve often thought to myself that writing gives a piece of your soul out on paper.  I haven’t, and don’t feel I can, write as freely as I would like to in here.  But a part of my soul is still instilled in this website, in these entries.

Perhaps it’s about time I stopped that, and took my soul back.  Brought it back where it belongs, within my heart.  Because my soul has been torn into enough shreds already.

Simple truths of life . . .  God forbid I’ll ever figure them out.