I Can’t Win . . .

Thanks in large part to Ryan and being able to talk to him, I finally came to grips with everything concerning Mike and the rest of that group a few weeks ago.  Maybe a bit more than a month, I’m not sure.  But now . . .

Something else has cropped up.  Whereas before I was depressed because of how angry I felt at the situation I was in because of Mike, and saddened because I wanted . . . something with him, now I find myself depressed because I don’t.

Hmm . . .  That made next to no sense.  Let me explain.

Lexi was over last night after I got off work.  We were gonna watch the Saw movies, cuz she’s never seen them, but we ended up talking/watching videos of my Halloween/birthday parties.  (I had to show her that one where Shannon gave me the pillow sized gift that turned out to be a gift certificate.  Not to mention the Halloween party where Mike and I sang Phantom.)  Anyway, we watched those, and I realized . . . not even a twinge.  When Mike was on the screen, doing his evil laugh, or his ‘last triumph over the card,’ or even singing Phantom with me, I felt . . . nothing.  It was as if the tape I was watching wasn’t of my life.  It was as if I was watching an old familiar movie, but didn’t personally know anyone on the screen.

And that saddens me because it truly means I’ve lost Mike to life.  Heck, I had to go to Staples to pick up some Sharpie pens a bit ago, and don’t you know, Mike was at the register next to the one I went to.  I didn’t feel a thing.  Sure, I recognized him, but other than that, he could have just been any other stranger on the street.

Yet I remember, back when I was best friends with him, or at the start of us being together, when he came into a room . . . I knew.  The room felt different when he’d entered it.  I don’t know why, but there was a definite difference for me.  Now, that’s not there.

I’ve said for a long time that losing someone to life hurts more tha  losing them to death.  I hold to that.  I lost Mike to life.  We could be right next to one another and it just doesn’t matter.  Neither of us affects the other anymore.  We don’t feel each other in a room, or intuitively feel what the other is experiencing.

And it makes me sad to know that this is the truth . . .