I Can Run, But I Can’t Hide

I never thought of myself as someone who ran away from problems, but right now all I want to do is hide my head in the sand. I don’t know what to do as far as everything with Dolly. I’m so uncertain about these things. I mean, I want that closeness with Dolly, and it’s not there. I hate that. This is the girl I grew up with. This is the girl I thought I’d know my entire life. This is the girl who I’ve read all the letters of my red binder to.

And I don’t feel close to her . . . I’m glad that she hasn’t hated me for these past two years, but I can’t help thinking that our lives are way too different for us to feel completely comfortable with one another. Because when we talk, things are strained. The only time I’ve felt completely comfortable was when we were laughing. But even the old things haven’t seemed as funny. It feels weird to mention Ryan, Jason, or Mike around her.

I just can’t help feeling like no one understands, and yet I know that’s not completely true. Heck, maybe Dolly feels this same way about me. I wish I knew. I wish we could talk like we used to. But we’re both being guarded, I think. I know I am. I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to fully open myself up to her, because I’m afraid of setting myself up for a fall. And she may be, too. Maybe we’ll never have what we once did, because of those walls we’ve built up. You can’t break down things like this overnight. I know that. It takes time, trust rebuilt, new levels of trust made. I just . . . wonder if I’m strong enough to want to do it. Wonder if I have the desire in the first place.

I’ve learned a lot about myself thanks to Jason, and I can’t help relating myself to several lines from “Going Under.”

I won’t be broken again!!

I’ve got to breathe,

I can’t keep

going under!!

I don’t want to be broken again. I was for the past two years, and the only one who could pull me out of my slump was myself. A few people helped along the way, but mostly, I felt like I was just being pushed down. I can’t help thinking that if something else happened with Dolly . . . I wouldn’t be pushed back, I’d fall, and I wouldn’t care if someone grabbed my hand. It wouldn’t matter. I wouldn’t want to get back up.

I’m afraid. Dolly was the most important person in my life at one point. If I open myself up and let her back in to that standing, I don’t know what will happen to me. Will I be happier than I’ve ever been, because I’ll have her back, in that place in my heart? Or will it just bring more pain, confusion, and heartache? I’d love it if she was back to that standing, as my B.F.F.A.A.F., and everything fell back into place. But I don’t know if it can. We’re two very different people now. I don’t even know if us hashing everything out, and getting to know one another again can breach this gap. I wish it could . . .

Or do I?

I don’t know what I want. I want her to be happy. I want to be happy, too. I feel that there are too many awkward things that are weird to mention in front of one another. Jason, Mike, Ryan, Eric, her baby . . .

God. I still can’t believe that she’s actually married, and has a two year old. I heard him on the phone today. It’s so . . . weird . . . to know.

Maybe I haven’t dealt with and accepted things as much as I thought. I don’t know . . .

I just don’t know . . .

–Notes–

Because Im not interested in having sex with her. I dont want to. I didnt enjoy the oral she tried ot perform, or anything like that. I enjoed giving but not recieving. My AIM is r4nd0m1os3r and my MSN is bringerofdeath@crapmail.com if it makes contacting me easier. [RandomLoser]
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RYN: Well, Heart of the Valor was ok, I read it years ago so I really don’t remember! I suppose I liked it. The mailing list is located at http://www.nightworld.net (one of the -best- L.J Smith Sites there ever has been or ever was). Eh its not really THAT moot,cause she’s still gonna write it as if it were before the millenium. So we’ll see 🙂 [The Nights Child]
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why don’t you let her read this?… maybe she’s feeling the same? you never know. don’t give up on it. true friends, in my experience, are few and far between and should be valued above all other things… but only the true ones. good luck. [Raisingirl]
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RYN: yes! LOTR does rule!! I get to see Return of the King on opening night!! *thumbs up* cant wait!! 🙂 [razamataz]
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i totally get how you feel. my best friend and i were seperated for an extended amount of time and in the beginning it was hard to make conversation and to accept eachothers presence. its still hard. but its getting better as time goes on and we talk even thos its hard…my advice…just keep at it..itll get better [Nacho]