History Repeats Itself
I’ve always known this, but never so poignantly realized it until the past couple of days. Five years ago, everyone I knew was telling me to ditch Will. He wasn’t worth it, he was a liar, he was scum, he’d just wind up hurting me, etc., etc., etc. Now I’m hearing the exact same things about Jason. Except this time, I’m not so thoroughly in a state of denial that I’m going to insist he’s such a good person, and no, I won’t believe what anyone is saying against him. Because, truthfully, I can’t deny the things that Pam or Joey, or Mike’s dad have said. I can’t deny that Jason is a coward, he has hurt me, he has betrayed me, he has broken numerous promises to me and more than likely had no remorse about doing it. I mean, Mike told me that once, that Monday in the rain, when I was out of the room at some point, Jason had told him that he did try to resist choosing in that ultimatum. Yet, when I asked Jason about it, without mentioning what Mike said, he told me that he wasn’t given the chance to not make a choice, he wasn’t given the chance to even think about it. It was just: here’s the ultimatum, now what’s your answer? Not to mention that his recent notes basically amount to three sentences: “You’re wrong, you obviously don’t know a thing about me. Everything is your fault, but no worries, I’ve already forgiven and forgotten you. Nyah-ny, nyah-ny, boo-boo.” That’s about what it amounts to, and frankly, it’s BS.
You know, I will agree with one thing in his notes. Yeah, me slapping him when I did proved his point. I am driven by emotion to most ends. But again, I state, the very fact that he thinks that I would betray Mike and would have kissed him anyway shows exactly how little he knew about me. Or possibly how little he thought of me. Driven by emotion, and betraying someone else because of emotion are two very different things. And like I said, even without him saying what he did, he deserved to be slapped. Because, let’s look at the different scenarios. 1.) It’s possible he came to my house, wondering if his feelings had changed, or were changing, and basically was dropping hints because he was too shy to make the first move. And kissing me that day was something to weigh his decision with later. 2.) His feelings did change, and he just didn’t want to give me definite confirmation, because he didn’t want to get my hopes up. 3.) His feelings hadn’t changed at all, and he was just using me as an outlet for his suppressed hormones, considering that it was truly Jess he wanted to make out with, but since I was a willing substitute, I would do. 4.) His feelings hadn’t changed at all, and he wanted to stay at the house in the hopes that Mike would come down the stairs and catch us, thus giving Jason a chance to give me an ultimatum himself, of either him or Mike, to show me how it felt to be in that position. Either that, or wait for Mike to imply or directly give the ultimatum himself.
But there are problems, on both sides, for each one of those scenarios. The problem with number one is, if he even thought that his feelings were changing, he should have talked it over with Mike, and explained that. Or, if he couldn’t talk to Mike, (because I do agree, it would be a rather awkward conversation,) talked to me and told me that he’s said this to Mike. Then, I could have talked to Mike, and though he wouldn’t have liked that I was kissing another guy, he wouldn’t have been betrayed. Same thing with number two. He should have talked to either me or Mike, and Mike wouldn’t have been betrayed. He wouldn’t have liked what was going on, but he wouldn’t have stopped it or anything like that. Number three, well, that’s just plain no way to treat the person you’ve called a ‘best friend.’ Not only is it demeaning, it’s playing with someone’s emotions, and someone’s head, whose feelings are, or can be, very real. Number four, well, if this one is the case, it proves how little he ever knew about Mike. If Mike came down and saw that, after Jason telling him that no, he only saw me as a friend, and didn’t want to make things worse for Mike, Mike wouldn’t stick around and wait for an ultimatum to be given, or give one himself. He’d let out a shout and run out of the house, probably to one of two spots in Matawan that I can think of. And there would be much tree flay-age. And frankly, that’s not something I’m too fond of seeing. I saw him take down a pile of slush and ice in about five-ten minutes. In a T-shirt. In Early Feb. I was out there with him, in my coat, and with his trench coat around me, and I was still freezing. He was sweating. Not to mention that if number four is the case, it also once again proves how little he knows about me. Because I wouldn’t have chosen. That, at least, is as simple as that. I would not have chosen between the two. Or, if I had learned all the facts that day, Jason would’ve gotten a surprise, because after learning that he had turned around and stabbed Mike in the back, and more or less used me to do it, I’d have chosen Mike.
I don’t know what I’m holding onto where he’s concerned. I mean, this time around, Dolly’s the one saying I should give him another chance, we should make up, etc. She told me last night that I should give him back that key. Heh. But she also said that she thought that, even knowing what he’d said to Mike, I’d’ve kissed him anyway. NO. I wouldn’t have. Yes, I lash out in emotion when I’m angry. I have been willing to do just about anything to someone when I’m angry. But I was not angry at Mike. And the possible end of being together with Jason, did NOT, in any way, shape, or form, justify the means to go about it, assuming I’d known what he told Mike. Maybe I was in the past, I don’t know, but I am certainly not that vindictive, or so unconcerned with people’s feelings now.
Yet it is a question that I’ve pondered over since last night, when talking to Mike’s dad. Well, here, it’s part of the IM. Pink is me, white is him.
::sighs:: See, it’s things like that that make me . . . that make that fire come up again.
how so?the challenge???
It’s when people tell me he’s not worth it, or he’s this, or that, or whatever, when I stand u and say, “No, this can change.” And believe that I can help make that difference.
he may well be worth it and he may well become a person that you can admire but are you the one to change him?
I know, somewhere inside that mind, there is a loving, caring person who yeah, needs to make a helluva lotta changes in his life and how he regards things, but… I can’t just let that go. I’m literally the only person who has managed to get close to him to any real extent. He may have thought he’s closed himself off to me, but I know a few buttons to press. And if it turns out I’m wrong about that… I don’t know. I still believe I can reach him. I have to believe I can reach him.
why? why do you have to believe it?
Because… because I will not believe that he has closed himself off from everyone. Because everyone is worth helping to the best of a pers
on’s ability. Because no one should be given up on. Because if I don’t try this, who will?
ahh so you are the only one who can help him?
And because… everyone needs someone else. Whether they admit it or not.
but are you sure he needs you
Yes. I think I am. Or at the very least, even considering what he’s claimed to be my current standing with him, I’m the best one to make the attempt.
or is it that you need him
Both.
ok why do you need him? he may need you because you are the only one that can get him to open up but what do you get out of it?to put it crudely
Because… because he frustrates me. He challenges me. He annoys me, he’s a thorn in my side, he’s my confidante, he’s shown me some really good music, we laugh together… I get someone who… when I hug him, it feels right. There’s just something comfortable about being in his arms. Something that makes me feel safe.
for all the pain he has caused you you still feel safe?
Well, last time we hugged. We haven’t hugged since that Thursday.
for all the lies he has told you, you still feel comfortable for all the sorrow he has given you, you would still laugh with him for all his broken promises you would still be a confidante for all the resistance he has shouwn you would still be challenged by him puzzling…
Okay, now that one I can respond to. It’s because of his resistance that I’m challenged by him.
but the rest?
(Reads over what she just typed. ::Sighs:: That’s not much better is, it?
I am not saying he is a lost cause but he is not wanting help he does not see your help as help and he is not considerate of your feelings
Lemme guess though: “Why the Hell are you seeing this guy as someone worth being close to? How much does a person have to hurt you before you wake up and smell the latte?”
*~*~*~*~*~*
I think that about sums it up. How much does he have to hurt me before I get fed up and turn away since he obviously doesn’t see anything that he’s done as wrong? I don’t know… Because I believe what Sam said in Two Towers. “What are we holding onto, Sam?” “That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.” Well, somewhere in Jason, there is a good person, who can make the right decisions, and who does care and love. And I believe that finding that person is worth fighting for. It’s like something else that I told Mike’s dad: “If he wants to tell me to leave him alone, and all that other BS he spouted in those notes, then he can tell me in person. He can slap me back, for all I care! At least that would show that he’s something other than a stoic, unfeeling statue.”
–Notes–
call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) or Childhelp® USA National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD I hope these help. otherwise get back to me ot check online just search abuse hotlines that’s what i did. [ahatelessworld]
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RYN: no. I wasn’t going to post more. 🙂 [Malloren]
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RYN again: and I knew I was going to have a bajillion and three people tell me it sounded like Tolkien. No matter what I do alll of my writing does if it’s fantasy *hangs head* [Malloren]
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You’re heart is pure, and you are a very just person. Keep the idea of compassion in your heart, because compassion is a love all on it’s own. It’s love expecting nothing in return, it is love to the fullest, because there’s no garuntee of returned compassion. You are strong, wise, and pure of heart. Do what your heart is telling you, because that’s the voice to trust. [Angel Knight]
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I’d love to exchange addresses, that’s really very sweet of you. A***, ** C**** **** *** *** [Angel Knight]
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*smacks forehead* right duh Andy ***, and my address is ** *****, I forgot the ** part… I’ll figure out how to work this whole snail mail… and figure out how many stamps i need… I don’t think I’ve ever sent mail before… thanks for the experience! Now, I’m giving you aheads up, my wrists never developed as a child, so my writing is that of an 8 yearolds at BEST *chuckle* see ya! [Angel Knight]
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ryn// lol ooooh okay. makes sense lol well either way, ouch haha. [.x.twisted me.x.]
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I’m not going to tell you to give up on Jason entirely, because it would be hypocritical of me to do so. I wouldn’t give up on him. Somewhere inside Jason, there is a kind hearted person and a loving individual. He’s just hidden behind a sarcastic and cynical mind. Do what you said, and give him some space, and then take things from there. Remember, it’s Never Over! [SolarEclipse]
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Am I the ONLY person telling you you’re a do-do for slapping the poor guy? After all your big talk about hating abuse and what not?? ADn all that “I won’t give up on you, I’ll always be there for you no matter what” stuff? Don’t you realize you went back on your own words and promises? You get mad about him going back opn his word but you’re not really any better, when you look at it. [HyacatDuncan]
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Of all people, do you really need ME–ME!–to drill this into you?! He needs someone and that someone was you and you let him down! You two really are similar, ya know? You chase people away. Now, here are a few words to consider: isn’t HE important enough to fight for? I asked “weren’t we important enough to fight for” but I realize we didn’t fight hard enough either. Now you have the… [HyacatDuncan]
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..chance to fight and win and you’re going to lose everything over someone you tell me on a regular basis irritates you and should move on? I have the feeling you’re going to blaze a warpath at me for leaving you notes like these, but that’s okay. I’m used to it,
and unlike some people–I’m not standing down again. I’m not going to walk away because of angry words anymore. [HyacatDuncan]
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Whether or not you hate me or hate him, I’ll always love you. And I’ll always, unfortunately, love Jason, too. I can’t erase people from my heart and I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t know why either of you should want to try, either. ISn’t the good stuff you’ve brought to eachother’s lives worth fighting for? Worth the little pains? And quit w/the flying hands of fury! [HyacatDuncan]