::Grins:: Still Smiling . . . But Slightly Worried

Okay, so, I shuld give the full car story, shouldn’t I?  I think it was last week, Tuesday night, I went to take my car out to Wawa or someplace when I noticed it making this odd whirring sound and that the ‘check coolant’ light had come on again.  So I drove it carefully over to Family Service Center and dropped it and the key off with a description as best I could manage of what was up.

I woke up the next day to my dad telling me that Family Service had called and basically said the car was a lost cause.  Yeah, they could fix it, but it was probably better to put the money into getting another car.  I guess the problem’s with the transmission.  ::Sighs::  He said that I could drive it around, but it could give out on me in a week, or it could last another six months.  So, Wednesday, I’m pretty sure it was, I went to work, reluctantly using my car.

While I was there, I asked Drew how much he knew about cars, and if he’d mind coming with me to a couple used car places on Saturday, before work.  He did, and that’s when I found the place down the street from Albrizio’s and saw the Volkswagen Beetle. (!)  I wasn’t able to take it for a test drive that day, but the guy said to come back on Monday, which we did.

Monday . . .  Hee . . .  ::Giggles::  God, I haven’t been this bad since I was seventeen . . .  Hell, I haven’t felt this good since that first week Mike and I were together.

Like I said, Saturday was the entire fiasco-thing with me being stupid and telling Ed I like Drew.  I admit, it didn’t turn out badly at all.  It didn’t turn out anything like I was expecting!  I mean, seriously, if I could’ve gotten the words out in front of him, I’d’ve said something like, "I like you!  That’s the big secret, so just reject me like I know you’re going to, and I’ll move on, and we can get back to normal!"  Instead, it was a note.  And I got a completely different reaction than what I was expecting.  But still.  Hee . . .

ANYWAY.  On Sunday, I asked if Drew would come with me on Monday when I test drove the car and all that, and I asked if he wanted to meet around four, like I said in the last entry.  It was awesome just being able to hang out with him at Union Beach and the Spy House.  I mean, even when we weren’t saying anything, it was a comfortable silence, you know?  It didn’t feel strained at all.  I liked that.  Yeah, my mind was racing with things to say, but it didn’t feel like I needed to say anything, you know?  And our conversation still did flow easily.

::Sighs::  I admit, I’m worried about more than a few things.  First and foremost, he is forty-one.  I mean, he was almost fifteen when I was born!  (Yeah, Melanie, you’ll see why I find this thing weird.  Drew’s full first and middle names are Andrew David, and he was born on August 17th.)  And it’s like . . . I don’t know.  I mean, part of me is asking what he possibly sees in me.  And a part of me is asking what the heck I’m doing liking a forty-one year old who’s been married and divorced three times!

To be honest, I want to talk to him about these things.  I at least want to voice my insecurities and see what he says.  I am trying, though, to just take this one day at a time, take it as it comes, and live in and enjoy the present.  I’m managing pretty well so far, simply because I keep reminding myself that Drew is universes away from especially Rob, and definitely Mike as far as . . . everything.  Lol, that’s one thing I was saying to Lexi last night.  We were watching the antics of these guys who were probably early twenties at Burger King last night, and I couldn’t help muttering to her, "At least Drew’s mature enough not to pull crap like that . . ."

He’s like a big kid, honestly.  I love it.  Like, he’s not afraid to be cute, or silly, or whatever, yet he also knows when to sober up and be an adult.  He’s independent, strong-willed, strong-minded, puts his entire heart into things he cares about, he likes swimming, skating, outdoors-y stuff . . .

Maybe what scares me is–  Rather, I know what scares me is the idea that he puts his entire heart into things.  And my own track record . . .  I haven’t stayed friends with anyone I’ve said I liked where something more happened between us than just friendship.  And while the line with Drew and me might be hazy, we’re definitely beyond friendship territory.  And that scares me.  It really does.  He’s an incredible guy, for everything I said in the last paragraph and more, and even if any kind of romantic relationship doesn’t work out with us, I don’t want to lose him as a friend.

Yet I know that even if I talk to him about my worries here, there’s nothing he can say to reassure me.  We can promise each other to the ends of the earth that we’ll keep a friendship intact no matter what else happens, but it won’t be until said time comes that those words will be proven true or false.  It scares the Hell outta me that I might lose him as anything, because that’s what keeps happening to me.  But then I remind myself how far removed he is from people like Mike and Rob, and I feel a bit better, but still insecure, because it’s a matter of logic/brain vs emotion/heart.  And how often is one lucky enough to have those aspects of one’s self agree?

I will take this as it comes, though.  I loved it when he and I and Lexi were watching the Dick Van Dyke shows and the movie on Monday night.  He and I were on the couch in my room, and he had his arm around me.  It was so comfy sitting like that with him.

I’ve got it bad . . .

I wish I could just write away all my insecurities and worries.  It’s just so weird to know . . .  I mean, he’s forty-one!  What the heck am I thinking?  Yet, oddly enough, it . . .  Lol, at the same time, it feels like there’s almost no bridge between our ages, but at the same time, I can feel this huge, chasm-y difference.  I mean, I had to wonder if he thought Lexi’s and my antics, our laughter, and just how we were together was just immature.  But at the same time, I know I’ve acted like that at the store with Ed and him.  And Ed’s older than us (Drew and me) both, but he acts younger than me sometimes!

I guess in a way, his age is making me more aware of myself, and if I’m really acting as a twenty-six year old woman should.  I mean, there’s definitely nothing wrong with acting like a kid, but I guess I’m more compartmentalizing when I would act like that.  The whole "time and place" mindset.

I am especially glad of one thing where Drew’s concerned.  He’s had some problems concerning his heart recently, and the day he came over here for the first time and helped me move the freezer, he told me he was gonna quit smoking.  He told me on Friday that he’d quit after the 9th, (when he’s hospitalized overnight for a catheterization.  ::Having a tube put up an artery in his leg all the way to his heart to see what the blockage is th

ere::)

Well, on Saturday, he had his last cigarette in the afternoon, and told me later that evening that he was done with it.  He’d quit.  I asked him on Monday and Tuesday how he was doing with it.  No, correction: Sunday night and Monday.  I asked him what it was like now as a non-smoker.  He said weird.  I asked good weird or bad weird and he said he wasn’t sure yet.  On Monday, I asked if he figured it out yet, and he said no, it was just weird.

Like I said, though, I’m so glad he quit.  I don’t know how badly he’s feeling the effects of it, but I’m glad he’s sticking with quitting.

Well, till next I write . . .

Bye!