Gone . . .

I Don’t Want To Spoil The Party
By:
The Beatles

I don’t want to spoil the party so I’ll go
I would hate my disappointment to show
There’s nothing for me here so I will disappear
If he turns up while I’m gone please let me know

I’ve had a drink or two and I don’t care
There’s no fun in what I do if he’s not there
I wonder what went wrong I’ve waited far too long
I think I’ll take a walk and look for him

Though that day he’s made me sad
I still love him
If I find him I’ll be glad
I still love him

I don’t want to spoil the party so I’ll go
I would hate my disappointment to show
There’s nothing for me here so I will disappear
If he turns up while I’m gone please let me know

Though that day he’s made me sad
I still love him
If I find him I’ll be glad
I still love him

Though I’ve had a drink or two and I don’t care
There’s no fun in what I do if he’s not there
I wonder what went wrong I’ve waited far too long
I think I’ll take a walk and look for him

God damned stupid hackers!!!!!  I hate them, whoever they are!!!!  All of my entries for the summertime, what happened on my birthday, everything, it’s gone.  I HATE this!!!

Okay, with that said, I do have a contingency plan for it.  I remember a few highlight things from the summertime, so I’m going to go back and write about them, in the order that they belong within these entries.  So, don’t be surprised if my diary is privatized for a bit while I fineagle this.

Anyway, onto current things.  I wrote this on the 13th, while I was at work.

“I know I’m doing the right thing, the thing that will keep me sane, in terms of Jason, but . . .
What do you do when every fiber of your being just wants to run up to him and hug him and hold him in my arms?
An almost-year has gone by so quickly, and I’m fighting with myself to not decide to go up there during a snowfall . . .
I miss him so much already.  But I keep reminding myself that it’s not permanent, that this isn’t the end of us.  It’s so hard, though . . .”

That was all I’d written, but yeah, it pretty well describes what I’m feeling.  I am depressed, I’ll admit.  I miss him like crazy, and it’s killing me to not say, “Heck with this, I’m seeing him.”  Yet I don’t do that because I know that I’m doing the right thing.  I know that his mom is wrong, forcing him to not be able to see anyone who she doesn’t like, or whatever.  It’s wrong, it shouldn’t be happening, and it’s not fair or right that I should have to hide, or that he should expect me to so I can see him.

Yet I love him.  And that alone makes me want to take to the wind, and come up there on a Tuesday, see him however, whenever I can, and his mom be damned.

Like I said.  Yeah, I’m depressed.  But I also have the hope and knowledge that it’s not permanent, as well as a surprise party to look forward to.  I’m mostly happy, but there are times when I see something, or a memory hits me, or something, and I’m sad for a while.  But I can usually make that pass fairly quickly.

Oh, speaking of the surprise party, the plans for that are going fairly well.  I just need to finish embroidering the hat, get the cake, and a couple of other smaller things.

::Sighs::

I miss him.  I don’t want to do this.  I don’t want to not go see him week after week.  Well, okay, because of my work schedule, I wouldn’t be able to go see him week after week.  But still . . .  Even seeing him at sporadic times over this semester would mean that I wasn’t just . . . NOT seeing him.  NOT hearing from him.  I mean, I have the feeling that because I told him I wasn’t going to respond if I still had to hide, that he won’t leave me any notes, or E-mail me.  I wish he could know exactly how much seeing E-mails from him would mean to me.  Exactly how much I’d cherish them, and look forward to getting the next one.  I know how it can sometimes be hard to write to someone who you know isn’t going to respond, or how weird it may seem to write to another person as if it’s a diary, but even so . . .  I’m not asking for personal things, I’m not asking for him to write to me about anything personal if he doesn’t want to.  I just want him to show that he does care about me.  That he will make an effort to keep contact with me.  That I do mean more to him than just someone he can set aside for now, and then resume a friendship with when it’s easier for him.

I hope Jason’s reading this.