Godawful Dilemma . . .

I’ve written about sex in here before.  And my stance has always been a staunch "wait until marriage!"  I talked about feeling that people who make the decision to have sex before marriage are more than likely insecure about their relationship, because if they truly weren’t, then it would be worth waiting to have sex until they’re married to the person they’re considering sleeping with.  I mean, if they really love them and feel they’ll be together with them for the rest of their lives, what’s the hurry?  How hard can it be to just keep your legs closed?

I’ve been finding out recently.

Honestly, I’ve thought about sex more in the past few months since October than I have in my entire life.  The notion partly thrills me, but it also partly scares the bloody, freakin’ Hell outta me.  I don’t know what to do.  All I can come up with are questions, and so far, they’re questions with no answers.

Why is it so easy for me to give my heart to a guy, but when it’s my body, I’m so much more hesitant, even though my body has been proven to be so much more resilient when bouncing back from things?

I want this.  I’ve told him I want it.  Yet I’m still scared.  But what am I even scared of?  Can I really give up my virginity to him?  Does he deserve to be the one?

I do trust him, but do I trust him to that degree?

God, I wish I could just flip a coin or something.  Let fate decide for me.

I want Drew.  I want to kiss him, run my fingers through his hair, feel his hands on my body . . .  Yet what would I do when it actually came down to him penetrating me?  I think I’d flat-out be scared.

To arrive at an answer, I know I need to do a lot of soul-searching.  A LOT of soul-searching . . .