God Freakin’ DAMN My Luck . . .

Yeah, I know, I was gonna give this whole summary of last week with Rob.  Let’s just say it involved watching movies, me leaning against him, us skating some more, and me at least being extremely happy.

The Christmas party was on the seventh and it was fun, I guess.  That Encore match sucked, though.  I want a rematch.  But when Rob and I lost, we piled into my car and went to Funtime so I could do that damn murder song four times in a row.  After the first, I was okay.  After the second, I think I fell to my knees.  After the third, I know I fell to my knees and I’d positioned the thing so that it would go to the murder song after the time ran out.  I wanted the extra ten seconds to rest.  But Mike in his ‘infinite wisdom’ didn;t think I had the thing set on the right song, and went to change it, so I wound up doing another song for the fourth.  Less complicated, less trenuous, but it still annoyed me.

Anyway.  I’m not sure when it was, but Mike asked Shannon out on a date.  And last night, they went.  Lol.  When he came back, he told me it was one of those everything-that-can-go-wrong-did ones, but hey, sometimes those are the most fun.  I spent some time with Rob, and . . . I don’t know.  I don’t even know how to describe anything when it comes to him.  I don’t even know if something’s definitely wrong.  I just feel like there is.  I may be imagining it, I don’t know.

::Sighs::  At least one good thing happened.  Yet I’m not even sure it’s a good thing anymore.  My dad called up so that we could get the Phantom tickets for Rob’s birthday.  It’s gonna be Mike, me, Rob, and my dad.  And we got THIRD ROW ORCHESTRA seats!!!!  I was jumping around and dancing to the soundtrack after he got off the phone.

When Rob and I were hanging out, though, he guessed that’s what I was doing for him for his birthday.  He’d actually guessed a bit ago, but I hadn’t confirmed or denied anything.  Last night I did.  And I can’t help wondering if he even cares about it.  I mean, he gave more or less no reaction whatsoever.  It’s like, "Oh, Broadway.  Whatever."  No, he didn;t say that, but that was the impression I got.

He did say that no one’s ever done something like for him for his birthday, so I mean, it’s possible that he just doesn’t want to get excited about stuff like that in case it disappears.  But still . . .  How can you not get excited about going to see a Broadway show?  Especially when it’s your first one?  I just don’t understand.

Heh.  I haven’t had a bad Friday the 13th since I got into the Beatles.  Now, I’m just so damned depressed.  I should be happy!  Yet . . .

Last night, I was thinking abou it and it occured to me that even if Mike ever got over me, Rob and I would probably never get together.  That we’ll either be really good friends or we’ll wind up hating one another, but we’ll never get together . . .

Then today, as I’m getting clothes and getting ready to take a shower, Mike tells me he thinks he’s over me enough that he could deal with me dating Rob.  (I’d just made a comment that I couldn’t believe I was vicariously living my dating life through him.)

::Sighs::  I don’t know.  I fel so isolated right now.  But whether it’s because people just aren’t asking me to hang out with them, or I’m giving off "go away" vibes, I don’t know.  I think it’s a combination of both.  I know people aren’t asking if I’d want to be involved in things.  (Like tonight.  Mike’s meeting up with people to go see Rocky Horror.  And no one thinks to invite the girl who LOVES Time Warp?  Who would definitely dress up as one of the characters?)  Yet while I get an initial sting, I find it truly doesn’t matter to me because for the most part, I don’t want to spend time with whoever it is.  So yeah, I acknowledge I’m pulling away, too.  I suppose I have been for a long time . . .

I only feel close to a handful of people.  Five to be exact, and a couple of them are questionable.  And I hate that most of all.  Everyone else I know is just an acquaintance, but those five . . .  I wish I wasn’t so unsure.

It drives me isane that Dolly talks to Mike more often than she talks to me.  HE sits there and tells me stuff that’s going on with her and I’m sitting there thinking, "Why don’t I know this already?  Why is he the one telling me about this?"  No, I don’t think that she shouldn’t be allowed to talk to Mike, or that I have to keep them separate, or some such nonsense like that.  But I am jealous.  Maybe it’s stupid, maybe it’s crazy, but I am.  I lost Dolly once, I don’t want that to happen again.  I would call her, but I honestly don’t know her schedule.  Mike’s told me different things of when she’s free, but I try to call her and I get nothing.  I either get an answering machine, or her mom saying she’s not there, or her mom saying she’s asleep.

I don’t want to be jealous, I don’t want to be insecure, but I also don’t want to lose the closeness that I have with those five people.  I don’t want to . . .  I don’t even know.

I don’t . . .

I don’t want someone else to come in and steal these friendships right out from under my nose.  It happened to me once and that nearly drove me to madness in a very literal sense.

::Sighs::  I wonder if Mike actually will tell Rob about what he told me today?  I don’t know.  The ball’ll be in Rob’s court if Mike does.  All I know is if Mike was right and Rob would go out with me only to say that he has a girlfriend, then there won’t be a relationship . . .

I haven’t had bad luck on Friday the 13th in almost ten years.  Why now?