Frustrations, Depite A Good Time

Weight Of The World
by: Ringo Starr 

Maybe your daddy never held you like he should,
Maybe your mama just held on the best she could.
Every soul has a secret,
Give it away or keep it,
But yesterday’s gone so tell me why.

You carry the weight,
the weight of the world,
It’s breakin’ you down
on your back like a boulder.
Before it’s too late, get rid of it girl,
Get it off of your shoulder.
I know you’ve been used,
But you gotta lose
the weight of the world.

Maybe I haven’t always been there just for you,
Maybe i try but then i got my own life too.
Every heart has a hunger,
I’m not getting any younger,
I got all the crosses i can bear.

Don’t gimme the weight,
the weight of the world,
It’s breakin’ me down
on my back like a boulder.
Before it’s too late, get rid of it girl,
Get it off of my shoulder.
You know i’ve been used,
And i gotta lose
the weight of the world.

It all comes down to who you crucify.
You either kiss the future or the past goodbye,
We could fly so high.

But we carry the weight,
the weight of the world,
It’s breakin’ us down
on our backs like a boulder.
Before it’s too late, get rid of it girl!
Get it off of our shoulders.
We’ve all been used,
And we gotta lose
the weight of the world.

It’s takin’ us down
and the night’s growin’ colder,
Just blame it on fate,
that was yesterday, girl.
And we’re just growin’ older.
We’ve all been abused,
Now it’s time to lose
the weight of the world,
The weight of the world, 
 The weight of the world.

I woke up today and saw that it was nice out.  My first thought was, “Damnit.  I have to go to work.”  But I really shouldn’t complain.  I do like working at Keansburg.  I just like working at Domino’s more.  But I do think I’ll stay at Keansburg throughout the summer.  It’s defintely good money and I need that right now.

Anyway, I got out an hour earlier than I thought I would.  I don’t know why, really.  I guess less people were there than usual.  I stopped at Domino’s, cuz someone wanted more hours and Mike asked if I wanted to give up one of my days.  So I gave up my Tuesday and I’m just working Wed and Thursday four till closing and then Friday four till the rush.  So that’s not bad.  It gives me two days off in a row, which is nice.

After I came home, I went online and saw that Melanie was on.  I had thought she was hanging out with Dan, so I IMed her and asked about it.  She didn;t know what had happened either, and thought that he ditched her.  But a few minutes later, and just as I was asking her if she wanted to hang out, he calls.  So, she asked if me and Mike wanted to join them and do something.  I suggested bowling, (partially cuz I want another one of those drinks,) and we agreed to meet at the bowling alley at ten.

I got there with Mike and as I was at the counter, trying to flag down someone so I could get change for a five, Dan walks in.  Turns out he had singles, so I traded bills with him and played a game of DDR.  Then they played air hockey and I went outside to see if Melanie had shown up.  She had and we went in together to watch the guys finish off their game.

We didn;t go bowling cuz it would have been about a half hour wait, and Dan and Melanie both have classes in the morning and Mike has work.  So we tried going to Friendly’s.  They were only gonna be open another twenty minutes.  So once again, we found ourselves going to the Court Jester.  Lol.  I swear, we should be on a first name basis with these people.  We’ve been there enough lately.

We get there and on the way, I drove with Melanie, Mike drove with Dan, and Melanie told me what was going on the night before last.  Her, me, and her friend Dave went to Court Jester and towards the middle/end of the evening, she was definitely in a downer mood.  Anyway, she explained some on why that was and that she just needed to talk it over with someone else.

Anyway.  My frustration comes in with the fact that she mentioned we should come to her Brookdale graduation.  I was agreeable at first, but then she said that Jason would be there, cuz she was making him come.  I can’t go if he’s going to be there.  I can’t see him, because if I see him, I’ll want to talk to him.  If I see him, I will talk to him.  And I can’t do that.

I don’t feel that anyone thoroughly understands my standing on this.  I mean, Melanie said it was as if I was giving him an ultimatum.  No.  I’m not.  An ultimatum would have been me saying, “Look, either you stand up to your mom and tell that bitch that you can have your own friends whether she likes it or not, or we’re through.”  I refused to give him an ultimatum, because that’s what his parents did to him.  They told him we could hang out, they hung that baitin front of him, adn he took it.  And then they turned around and gave him an ultimatum — them, or me.  What the Hell kind of family is that?

I digress.

I did not give him an ultimatum.  I told him that he should do the right thing and report her himself.  To get her help, because whether he will now or not, I don’t know, but he has admitted to me before that no, he doesn’t think that she’s mentally stable.  I told him that I will not hide from someone just to be friends with someone else.  I don’t deseve that kind of treatment.  It’s not fair to me, and it’s not fair to him.  And it’s certainly unfair that a twenty one year old is still being controlled as far as, among other things, who he is and is not allowed to be friends with.

I can see Melanie’s point that it’s his mom and nothing’s gonna seperate that “family bond.”  But A) he’s not doing her any favors by letting her keep up the facade of being a “good parent.”  He’s only hurting things and letting another abusive, emotioanlly unstable person get away with their behavior.  B) How can there be any emotional feeling towards someone who has treated him like that for God only knows how many years?  How can he honestly think that she has any sort of parental love for him when she makes threats to the people who actually care about him, when she controls who he sees, when he sees them, where he goes, etc.?

Yes, I can see her point about a bond with a parent.  But she doesn’t have his mom for a mother. And though I can see her point, I can’t understand it, because I’ve never experienced it.

She is right on this.  Jason, if he’s ever going to get out from under her, has to do it himself.  Even if someone else got the proof

and was able to report her and something was done about her as it should be, he’ll still see shadows until he’s ready to let go and admit that these things had an affect on him.  But that doesn’t mean that my decision has any less validity.  I’m not going to cater to a madwoman’s whims just so I can see the one person I hold dearest to me.

For you see . . . that’s the other reason I can’t go.  I still love Jason.  I haven’t been able to let go of that.  God help me, I still love him, I still worry about him, and I still think about him every single day.  I keep most of it inside, because I don’t want to chew peoples’ ears off with talk about him.  I don’t want this diary to become a log of how much I miss him, or think about him, or want to break my promise and see him.  But not writing about it and not speaking about it doesn’t make it any less real.  It doesn’t make the hurt go away, or the pangs of loneliness cease when I wish I could kiss him, or tell him about something funny, or ask if he’s seen such and such movie.

I’m glad I was able to show him Baron Munchausen when I did.  Because now, I wouldn’t be able to.  God only knows if I’ll ever have the chance to show him another movie again.

You know, one thing strikes me as contradictory.  She said that he told her his parents were paying for his education.  Yet, everything he ever told me was that he had to find/keep a job, because he had to save money for college.  He always told me that he needed to save so much because he was paying for himself.  He told me that was why he didn’t go back to the dorms.  It was an extra $5500 or sme such that he couldn’t afford since he was paying out of his own pocket.

I’m not saying Melanie’s lying, by any means.  I don’t think she’d do that, and besides, what would be the point lying about something like that?  No, I think this comes from Jason.  I don’t know whether they’re lies or what, but there are definite inconsistencies in the financial standing of that household.  I mean, first, there’s this: back when I initially met him, I heard that his dad had liver cancer.  A) Um, hello?  Hospital bills?  Chemo?  Or some kind of treatments.  That would cost a bundle.  Yet they were putting a second floor onto the house.  They weren’t done with construction when we hung out that summer.  B) His mom more often than not claims disability and stays home from work.  Frankly, I think that’s a crock and she’s abusing the system, but I have no proof, so that’s besides the point.  Disability checks don’t bring in that much.  Yet, and I’m not sure how recently, they bought his sister an $1800 flute.  And now he’s claiming that they’re shelling out about six thousand, if not a bit more, per semester for him, after he told me that the reason he needed a full time job over the summer was because he was paying for it himself?

Someone is lying.  Either his parents are making up some woe-begotten story to make him think that “oh, they’re so poor,” or he’s lying to . . . I don’t even know.

I don’t know.  I guess that’s the point.  I don’t.  It just bothered and annoyed me when she said that it was like I gave him an ultimatum.  I mean, what?  Do people think I like the choice I had to make?  Does everyone think it was easy for me to give up seeing him?

No.  It wasn’t.  It was one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make.  But you know what?  I would make the same choice if I had to do it over again.  I would still come to the same conclusion, that I don’t have to be treated this way.  That I am too good to be trod upon, that I have too much self-respect and dignity to have a secret friendship because he can’t own up to the fact that he’s friends with me.

Yes, Melanie’s right.  People need to make their own mistakes and learn from them.  But you know what?  They also have to be let to make their own mistakes.  Jason isn’t let to do that.  He’s kept on a short leash so he doesn’t stray too far from the mother bitch.  And I’m sure as Hell tired of continually coming near that mother bitch to see him, and be constantly worried that one day I’ll get bit.

I do acknowledge that Melanie’s in a similiar situation with her Mike.  I understand her being okay with not seeing him every day.  But honestly, I do think it’s extremely selfish of him to keep her in the background just because he can’t say to his girlfriend, “You know what?  She and I are friends.  Deal, or leave.  There’s the door.”  If he can’t, or hasn’t, or whatever, then I don’t think he’s being truthful in saying that Melanie means so much to him.  Just like I know that while Jason no doubt cared, (and hopefully still cares,) about me, I know he meant more to me than I did to him.  No, you don’t have to see a person every day, or talk to them every day, or even think about them every day for them to still be in your life, to still mean something to you, etc.  But I think one of the most important qualities abou a friendship is honesty and being able to be open.  Not just open with feelings, but open about your friendship.  If you can’t say to the world, “Yes, this person is my friend,” then there’s something really wrong.

Just so you know, Melanie, I’m not trying to start anything.  I’m not trying to tell you what to do, or pretend I know everything about the situation with your Mike.  I’m not meaning to offend if any of this does.  I’m just getting it off my chest in the best way I know how.

It’s why, though I’ve entertained thoughts of seeing Joey on the sly, I know I won’t.  His parents are both being immature, selfish, and stupid over this whole thing.  The situation happened almost a year ago.  And all the times I’d seen them before that, I was nothing but polite, courteous, and nice.  I said thank you when they welcomed me in their house, when they served dinner for us, they were thankful to me that I convinced Joey to sing with me in the Strawberry Festival, I was thoughtful of his mom when one day when I came over, she was sick or something.  Joey and I stayed quiet so that she could rest.  Yet, this one thing, almost a year ago, where they accept no responsibility for coming to my house and disrespecting me that way, and everything’s blown apart.

Oh, well.  Anyway, aside from that, the night was actually really good.  We talked and laughed at Court Jester, and Melanie and I had a funky unison thing going on for a bit there.  That was pretty cool, if not weird.  But a good weird.  Lol.  When we left, Melanie said she’d drive me and Mike since Dan had to go the other way, so we parted and she drove us home.  Hopefully, she and I are gonna go to the Barnes and Noble in Paramus on Tuesday.  I can’t wait to see this place.

I guess this was it.  I’ve felt the need to write something lately . . .  Well, actually, no I haven’t.  I’ve wanted to write, but I’ve lacked the . . .  willpower, I guess, to sit down and say anything.  I guess this thing with J

ason just gave me a springboard.  Despite how things are now, what with us not talking and not seeing one another . . . I still hold out hope that in the end, when he is moved out, he’ll contact me.  I don’t know if that’s a misplaced hope.  I won’t until he’s moved out.  But I hope it isn’t.

I suppose Jason truly is my “what if” guy.  What if we hadn’t had to hide?  What if his mom was just someone normal?

Heh . . .  If that was the case, though, he and Dolly never would have broken up.  That was a relationship meant to last a lifetime, I think.

Sobering thought, that is.  He’s essentially giving up his future happiness for someone in his past/present, who wants control of his future.