“For Which I’m Very Thankful.”

To quote Gandalf, from Fellowship. In regards to this not turning into another blowout. Because that’s what I was guessing as well.

Okay. I’ve got the notes copied over, so I can look at them now, so I can keep a train of though, hopefully.

Dolly, I’m glad you’re not angry, either. That was an assumption on my part, and in a lot of ays, I’m glad I was wrong. I know you didn’t say I hadn’t changed, but in these notes and the entry yesterday, it felt like you were implying it, and that hurt. I don’t think we’re as blocked. I think we’re still in the learning process of how to do things right this time around. It’s not easy breaking out of old habits, but I know that I am. I’m not making any assumptions about you on that. I’m hoping you’re breaking through old habits as well, and I’ll let you be the judge of whether you’re successful, and when/if you want to confirm to me that you are breaking through them. As far as you saying that I harbor the feeling that someone is wrong if they don’t agree with me, you’re half-right. Using smoking as an example once again, yeah, I can’t stand that people smoke. Not only do I think it’s a disgusting habit, it’s been proven to be a not only disgusting, but fatal habit! Finger stains, emphasema (sp?,) lung cancer, skin cancer, stained teeth, throat cancer, bad breath, rotten teeth, all of those things are things that are gotten from smoking. The damned cigarettes have cyanide in them for cryin’ out loud!! That’s a lethal poison!!! Okay, back on direct subject. Yeah, especially from what I just listed there, I don’t see how anyone could want to smoke. It blows my mind that people can learn these things and not be disgusted. My point is, though, that while, yeah, of course smoking appalls me, the people who smoke don’t appall me. Yeah, depending on who they are, no doubt I’ve lost some amount of respect for them, since I assumed they had more intelligence than to start smoking, but that’s not the same thing. I think the act is wrong. Not necessarily the person behind it. As far as growing up being blamed for everything… A.) I didn’t know that. B.) my mom STILL blames me for everything. She thinks something’s missing, and no matter what I’m doing, where I’m doing it, she comes in and interrupts to nag at me about whatever it is. Once, she was demanding to know where I had put the Vicks that’s usually in the medicine cabinet even though Mike had told her he was using it. Well, she was insisting it wasn’t there, and keep asking where had I put it. Mike told her he put it back, and you know where it was? A literal two inches away from where it should have been. She didn’t move her eyes over a measely two inches to see the damned jar! Yeah, I know what being pinned with fault feels like. It does suck, and it does hurt. But once again, I do say, know what I’m definitely talking about before making these assumptions. If you’re hurt by something I say, and you think I’m pointing fingers at you, ask me, okay? Yeah, venting is a good thing, everyone needs to do it, but not when there’s no need to. As far as expectations… Yeah, I did have expectations of you when we were younger. Yeah, I had dreams of what we’d do, and what we’d be, and what kind of guys we’d marry, and God only knows how much other stuff. And yeah, every single one of those dreams was shattered one by one as my senior year and the year or so afterward unfolded. I don’t know what I expect of you now. Yeah somewhere inside, I have expectations of you, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out what they are. I have no idea right now. Wait. I have an idea of one. An expectation for both of us to live up to. That this time around, we’ll be honest with one another, do things right, not make so many assumptions about the other. I can’t decide whether you’re a screw-up or not. I don’t have that jurisdiction(sp?). Yes, I believe you made things a heck of a lot more difficult for yourself in the long run, and that you may never have the life/career you’ve always dreamed of, simply because money and care and attention will always have to go above all, to your son. I hope you don’t mind my speculating on something here. I think that you’re doing much the same thing that I was a few years ago. Melanie was right, in saying that I looked for people to betray me before they actually did. I believe, to some degree, that she used to do that as well. Guessing that whoever she knew wouldn’t be around that long, and waiting for a betrayal. I can see why she would, honestly, but anyway, back on topic. I did that, and I think you’re doing that now. But just like I had to learn, you’ve got to learn that not everyone is going to betray you. Not everyone is out to hurt you, or betray you, or leave you. I, for one, am not out for any of the three. I don’t know what I expect of you, and in a lot of ways, I don’t know what I expect of myself. The only thing I want, from us both, is honesty.

–Notes–

WHen you’re right, you’re right. *still psychically stabbing someone w/a pen* He. Imaginary pen-stabbing is actually very therapeutic. >=D [HyacatDuncan]
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You’re quite wise, and honesty is the best policy… good luck, and you have my support, no matter what [Angel Knight]
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RYN: I’ve heard it been called by both names, but when downloading, it appeared more as “Teenage Wasteland”, so I figured that was the actual name. Ha. Thanx for clearing that up, and glad to see a fellow classic rock fan! 😀 ~Keely [Keely_Kiwi]