Flaming Arrow From God

I was looking over old entries of mine and I found an interesting question.  I said something about how I was always reassuring Jason that I would b there for him, etc., and that I knew he believed it, but why didn’t I believe it when he said he’d always be there for me.

;;Looks around and doesn’t see anyone:: 

Is that enough of an answer for you?

I watched American Idol tonight.  It was the group performances.  I felt sort of bad for this one girl, but the truth is, she didn’t know the lyrics and wasn’t working with the group anyway.  So yeah.  She was definitely out.  Then there were these three guys who, frankly, the one I wouldn’t have put through made it, and the one I would have put through didn’t.  Odd.

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"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold."

I’m just gonna copy in here what I was writing earlier.

I feel myself fighting depression right now.  It’s because of everything that’s happened to me because of these fights with Dan.  Seperations happened between me and . . . everyone.  I read the script for Wicked last night, and . . . it just reminded me of these seperations, and how to this day, I’m still left out of things.  I’m still excluded.  No one wants to ask the outcast if she’s okay.  No one cares if she fels left out.  No one asks if she’d like to have fun . . .

They don’t see anything in my eyes.  They don’t see sadness, or longing.  I’m here at FunTime with two people who *claim* to be eye-readers, and they don’t see.

::Sighs::  I’ve been trying to write an entry about all this since yesterday.  I mean, yeah, I’m friends with all these people again, even Dan, but . . . things have changed.  And the can’t ever go back to how they were.

Heh . . .  How they were . . . I don’t even know how they were.  All I really remember back then, after things got bad, is anger.  Anger and hurt.  And this need to strike back at everyone who had hurt me.  To hurt them just as much because they deserved it for taking so much from me.

No one turned against him.  Not really.  Not even truly me, ironically enough, who so often said there was no forgiving, there was no forgetting.

Well, at least I know I won’t forget anytime soon.

Yeah, that’s what I wrote.  That last line isn’t a threatening one or anything.  It’s just a sardonic remark, considering how much I write about things.

I know, when I wrote it earlier, things may have been peppered in my direction because I was depressed, but it’s how I feel.

Oh, my God.  I’m talking to Ryan right now, and … Aw, heck, I just gotta copy it over.  This was great.

 Ryan: That’s a famous sculpture of her in ectasy 
 Me: It… looks kind of like she’s drunk, or high, or something.
 Ryan: well it’s the renaissance
 Ryan:  the angel is plunging a flaming arrow in her heart
 Ryan:  :-p 
 Me:  Why??
 Ryan:  Because she’s having a moment where she’s totally in love with God
 Ryan:  So it’s like her heart is on fire
 Me:  So He has to give her heartburn?
 Ryan:  haha
 Ryan:  silly
 Ryan:  She has PASSION
 Ryan:  :-p
 Ryan:  That’s all being outlandish is
 Ryan:  Having passion
 Ryan:  She was a writer too 
 Me:  I guess passion could equate to a fiery heart, which could equate to a flaming arrow from God…
 Ryan:  Actually, a lot of writers were nuns
 Ryan:  :-p
 Ryan:  In that period anyway
 Me:  That sentence just looks so funny.  "Which could equate to a flaming arrow from God…"  Geez.
 Ryan:  haha
 Ryan:  Well it’s also erotic
 Me:  o.O
 Ryan:  lol
 Ryan:  It’s like a Herbal Essences commercial
 Ryan:  😉
 Me:  LOL.
 Ryan:  That’s my fancy shamncy art criticism
 Me:  So instead of sex with the shampoo, it’s sex with a flaming arrow.
 Ryan:  basically 
 Me:  ::Falls off couch laughing::
 Ryan:  haha
 Ryan:  Well now you can’t say nuns are all not outlandish

Okay, so that was really funny.  And now I’m done.  I hope I give everyone a laugh who reads that part.  And on the upside, I’m cheered up, mostly.  Bye!!