Five Years Ago Today . . .

I remember it well . . .  The day before, Mike and I had hung out at his apartment.  I already knew my feelings were solidly in place and I was wondering about his.  I’d started thinking, probably on Friday, that he might like me back.  That Sunday, we’d had a tickling match and I wound up sitting on his lap, with his arms around my waist.  (I was a lot more ticklish then than I am now.)  Then, somehow, we were laying next to one another, facing each other.  And  couldn’t keep looking at him, because if I had, I’d have leaned forward and kissed him.  I didn’t want to scare him off, so I kept looking down, and saying, “Hello, neck.”  He’d say, “Hello, ear,” or “hello nose,” or something like that back to me.

We went to Youth Group for only the last half hour or so, got picked up by my mom and went back to my house.  And I don’t remember whether we drove them, or if they showed up later, but Shannon and Jacqui were there, too.  We all hung out down in the living room and at one point, as a test, I asked if Mike would brush my hair.  I remembered him telling me that that was how he’d gotten a crush on someone else, and wanted to see . . . something . . . in the way he brushed mine.  I don’t know how, but that told me, “Okay, even if he doesn;t like you back, he’s not gonna freak about you telling him your feelings.”

So after Shannon and Jacqui left, Mike and I were down in the living room.  He was sleeping over, as he’d done two or three times before.  (I used to actually know exactly how many times, but I don’t feel like counting it out.)  I actually sat on the desecrated couch, (don’t ask, long story,) with him.  After my dad had gone upstairs, at about two in the morning, we stayed up, talking about little things.  Then, at what must have been sometime around three thirty, I said that I had something to tell him.

I don’t remember exact details now, but I do remember at one point that Mike had either his ear or his hand near me heart, and said, “You’re heart rate’s accelerated.”  And I closed my eyes and said something about how I had to tell him something, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to.  Yet inside, I knew that once I did this, I could never take it back.  Well, he asked what it was, and I looked at him, and said, “This,” and I kissed him.

He was sufficiently surprised.  Lol.

It turned out that he’d been wanting to tell me that he had feelings for me the entire week.  But he didn’t have the guts to do it.  So, we talked and did a lot more kissing that night before we went to sleep, and yes, called ourselves official boyfriend and girlfriend.

After we woke up on the 21st, Mike didn’t want to come with us to Staten Island, for whatever reason, so we dropped him off and went up there.  I don’t know, I think I had a dentist appointment or something.  All I really remember is that for the rest of the week, I was on Cloud Nine.

::Sighs::  What happened to that?

Present day, there are times when I can’t stand to be in the same room as he is.  I remember, he and I got together my senior year, and that was the year I met Melanie.  One of the things she’d told me by then was how her and her best friend, ironically enough, named Mike, had gotten together for a week.  But then realized they were better off as friends.  One of the things I’d mentioned to him that night was that I didn’t want to be like them.  I didn’t want to get together and end up breaking up.  (Though their friednship didn’t suffer for it.)  I didn’t want our friendship to change.  He told me his first lie back then, that night, though he wasn’t aware of it.  He told me things wouldn’t change.  I somehow sensed that if something ever happened, it would change for the worse.  (How right I was . . .)  He told me that if I ever wanted it, we could go back to just being best friends.

How wrong he was, and how foolish I was to believe that he could be right.

Things did change and the more he tried to hold onto me later, the more I wanted out, wanted to break free, wanted to be away from the person who had become a ball and chain . . .

I know now that I wasn’t ready for a relationship.  I was stupid to think that I could handle it.  Especially one that had so much severity.  Mike and I honestly planned on getting married!  Needless to say, that’s not gonna happen.  Hell, even if we were together now, it still wouldn’t happen when we’d planned on it.  We’re not out on our own, we have no financial security, yeah, we’re both working, but he wants to go back to Brookdale for an Associate’s in Business, and hasn’t started on that yet.  So no.  I’m not getting married before I have finanacial security.  Either by myself, or combined with another person.

::Sighs::  “Cinderella said to Snow White, “How does love get so off course?  All I wanted was a white knight, with a good heart, soft touch, fast horse.  Ride me off into the sunset, baby, I’m forever yours!”

That’s what I always figured love would be like.  I get rescued by my handsome prince, we ride off into the sunset, and everything is perfect.

Why did I have to be so wrong?