Feeling Stuck

I started hearing Christmas songs on the radio this weekend and I absolutely love it.  When it comes to Christmas, I’m a big kid.  I love the decorations, the songs, the overall good feeling I get from seeing the lights and garland and tinsel and everything up and displayed.  And the carols on the radio . . .  I’ve been singing along with Holly, Jolly Christmas, Do You Hear What I Hear?, Jingle Bell Rock, and so many others the past few days.

But there’s been a damper on me really going all gung-ho for the holidays this year.  First is that I’ve been holding myself back because Drew really does not like Christmas.  He doesn’t like any of the holidays, (with possibly the exception of Halloween,) much at all.  Christmas, I know there’s at least one other reason, but the one he gives out to anyone who asks is that he feels it’s too commercialized.  That we’ve lost the true meaning behind what Christmas is supposed to represent.

To be honest, I can see his point.  And he’s right.  It is way to commercial.  I mean, it’s kinda like that Futurama episode where Fry talks about Christmas and none of the others know what he’s talking about, and he says, "Christmas!  You know, X-M-A-S?"  And then they know what he’s talking about, because it’s gotten so far away from what it used to represent that people began calling it by it’s abbreviated name, X-mas.  Which, in a way, is what the shopping rushes should be called.  X-mas shopping.  Because the mad rushes for stores to get the gifts and the best bargains and such has absolutely nothing to do with God, Jesus, or anything else Christmas is supposed to stand for.

But at the same time, it could just be suggested that I tone it down in front of Drew and go nuts by myself in the car or wherever.  And I completely would . . . were it not for the rest of the things that are on my mind.

See, I wrote about last week, when Drew went to the hospital because of his left arm.  Or was that two weeks ago?  Yeah, that was almost two weeks ago.  Well, he’d let me massage his shoulder for a few days, anyway, and we got back together on Thursday night, so there’s been no more of that ‘just friends’ stuff that he was insisting between us.  Well, this past Wednesday and Thursday, he doubled at the store since I’d doubled Monday and Tuesday.  (That’s how it’s supposed to work, but since other stores are short on assistants, I’ve been working at other stores covering shifts, so Drew and I have both had six-to-seven work day weeks for about the past month and a half.)  Anyway, he came home Thursday and was sitting on his bed and I asked him, "Your shoulders are killing you, aren’t they?"  He said yeah, they were.

And it’s only gotten worse since.  Because of a work accident years ago at another job, Drew’s right arm was actually crushed, and since then he’s dealt with something called RSD, reflex sympathetic dystrophy.  From what I understand from Drew, most of the time his arm’s fine, but sometimes he’ll get these flare-ups of pain, numbness, weakness, stuff like that.  Well, it started happening on Friday.  He said his arm felt like it was on fire.  I ended up doubling Friday, because he couldn’t stay here and work in that condition.  Saturday, I had to open in Ocean and he was here.  He was *okay* at the beginning, but especially after having to make a 14 pie order for this church that calls up pretty frequently, he was in a Hell of a lot of pain, once again feeling like his shoulders and right arm were on fire.  Add to that, that both days, Friday and Saturday, his hand would turn red and swell, it doesn’t bode well for things.  He’d figured it was the RSD, though, and there’s nothing really that can be done about that.  It’s just something that he has to ride out and wait for it to pass.

Well . . . yesterday, I woke up actually a bit earlier than him, cuz I was gonna come to the store and help him set up, then go take care of my own stuff and come back to the store and just be there for him in case things got busy.  Basically just make things easier on him and hopefully his arm wouldn’t be hurting him as much.

Things didn’t work out that way.  About seven pm, he realized that he couldn’t lift his right arm.  He went to the hospital and they said it was something called frozen shoulder.  His arm’s in a sling and this morning, he went to his regular doctor, who’s going to give him a referral for a physical therapist.

And Drew just texted me, saying that I should call the assistant in Redbank and tell him he’s to open here tomorrow, and when I said he’ll have to double because I’m not coming in and Drew can’t, Drew said he was going to, from about seven to close.  I’m gonna kill him.  How can he even think of coming in, even on a Tuesday (cuz Tuesday’s are pretty dead, all in all,) when his arm is in a sling?  He’s just gonna do more damage to himself if he does this.  He needs to go on temporary disability and tell Jane that if she and Ron don’t like it, they can shove it up their asses!  Drew and I aren’t even asked, we’re told that we’re going to be covering whatever stores because of whatever things happening to other people, and yet when something like this happens to him, it’s Drew saying, ‘well, I’ll come in to close.’  I’m gonna kill him.  And I seriously want out of this Goddamn compny now, but as long as Drew’s here, I’m not gonna do it.  I’m certainly gonna look for options, but I’m not gonna escape until I know he has, cuz I’ll be damned if I’m gonna leave him in the lurch to pick up the slack when he’s injured.

I hate this.  This Goddamn compny expects me and Drew to just drop everything and be available to cover whatever shifts in whatever other stores, yet when an emergency happens with Drew, it’s, ‘well, there’s no one available.’  That’s f–kin’ BS if ever I heard it.  They make damned sure that if an emergency happens, every other store is covered, so why the Hell can’t they do that for us?  God damnit, Drew’s arm is in a sling, for cryin’ out loud, and she’s stupid enough to NOT say, "No, you know what, you’re not coming in, someone else will double"???  What the flippin’ Hell??

Yeah, so I’m pissed.

And because all this is happening to Drew and he’s in pain and all, I feel guilty for enjoying the Christmas songs when I hear them, cuz I know that even if he doesn’t say it, right now he’s miserable.  And I hate that.  I hate that I can’t take away his pain.  More than anything else right now, I want to.  I just hope he’s not gonna be completely stubborn and insist that he’s fine in a couple days and not do physical therapy.  Cuz if he does that, his arm’s only gonna get worse.

::Sighs::  At least in three days, it’s Thanksgiving.  At least then, we’ll have one day off and be able to spend it with each other.  I want to be with the man I love during daylight hours.  I want to sit in the kitchen with him and talk and joke about things.  I want to sit down and watch a movie with him, either sitting in front of him, leaning on his leg while he’s in his recliner, or on the couch with him, with his arm around me.  I hate that we have opposite schedules.  I hate that the only time I really see him is when he or I’ve gotten off work and it’s somewhere around one or two in the morning, or when we’re here at the store together on Friday’s, Saturday’s, and Sunday’s.

I wish there were more options open to me as far as employment.  I wish I’d stayed in college and gotten at least an Associate’s degree.  Then it’d be at least easier for me to go back and get a Bachelor’s because at least it’d be less time.  If I had more options right now . . .  I mean, my computer skills are damn near zilch, and because of that, any kind of office work would be completely out, most kind of career things want a Bachelor’s or higher, what I’d love to do full time, I don’t have time for anymore, and even then, working at getting a novel published takes time . . .

I feel stuck right now.  Yeah, this job is pretty easy to do, I do like the people I work with for the most part, I’m making enough money to pay the bills . . .  But when this kind of aggrivation happens, it just makes me wanna find somewhere where the employers will actually appreciate the ones who work for them, instead of seeing us as peons who can be used whenever and wherever they want us.

I hate feeling like I have no options.  I wish I could find another job.  I wish I could help Drew.  I wish he wasn’t in pain.  I wish we could have simultaneous days off and just spend some time with one another.  I wish he could get another job that he’s happy with.

And those are just the short term things I’m wishing.  The shortest short-term I’m wishing, hoping, and praying for is that Thanksgiving will be a good day for him.  I hope it is.  I’m gonna try to make it one for him.  Here’s hoping I succeed . . .