Feeling Horrible

I need to do a lot of backtracking.

August 6th was the Mattapalooza where I ended up getting drunk, leaning on Denny, and where I asked him how long he’d liked me, and he admitted on and off since his freshman year of high school.

The next day, Drew texted me and said that he knew I wanted to see him that day, but that he needed some time alone, and didn’t know when we would see one another again.

It wasn’t till about the end of August that Drew found out Denny existed as someone majorly important in my life.  On a Monday, we’d been texting, and I thought Drew and I had established that we were just friends, that there wasn’t going to be any expectation of a relationship between us.  I figured, ‘okay, this was a good thing.’  That the entire possible triangle thing that could arise because of things with Denny wouldn’t actually happen.  Denny and I would be together, Drew and I would be friends, and there we go.  No problems.

God forbid my life be that simple.  Because the next day, Drew wanted to bring his car for some repairs to a place near me, so he asked if I could give him a ride back to his house.  I said okay, but didn;t have enough gas myself, so I asked if Denny minded driving.  He said okay, and we drove Drew back to his place.  Denny pulled up in the parking spot next to the house, and Drew and I got out of the car and walked up to the porch, where Drew proceeded to ask me what was going on between me and Denny.  He said he could tell Denny liked me, and was I together with him?  I neither confirmed nor denied anything, though I did ask why it mattered to him, since the day before, we’d established we were only going to be friends.  He said no, he’d said the day before that he wanted a relationship, he’d just needed time to think about it.

So, yeah, that was a miscommunication.

It goes on, but to summarize, Drew left me a voicemail on a recent Saturday, September 24th, if I’m not mistaken.  The previous week, I’d basically said to him what about the fact that he smokes?  To which he answered that it ‘calms him down.’  And I said that I couldn’t be with someone who smokes.  I’m allergic; it makes me physically sick.  And Drew said he wasn’t ready to quit right now, blah, blah, blah.  So, I basically said, "Well, then, obviously cigarettes mean more to you than I do."

I didn’t hear from him for a week, but then that Saturday, he calls, I didn’t answer, and he left a voicemail.  In it, he said that he not only wanted me, but needed me in his life, and if quitting smoking is what it would take, then that’s what he would do.  He needed me, he wanted me, so quitting wasn’t a sacrifice, and that I was right.  He should quit, and no, cigarettes don’t mean more to him that I do.

The long and short of it is, a week ago, I went and talked to Drew.  In thinking about what I wanted, (which is the major thing I’ve failed to do at every turn in this whole thing,) I’d thought I’d discovered that I basically just wanted to date.  That I didn’t want to look to the future with anyone.  That I just wanted to take things day by day and enjoy it.

Drew didn’t take things well.  And who can blame him?  He said not only would he quit smoking, but that he would try to be more open with his feelings, that he’d be willing to talk more, and you know what?  He was proving himself!  He was showing me those words were true, because he was trying to be more open, talking more instead of getting automatically defensive.

Yet the one person who insisted that she would never leave him, never abandon him, never stop loving him . . . To him, I did all three of those things a week ago today.

In truth, I only did two of those things.  I haven’t stopped loving him.  I never did.  It waned.  It waned to the point where interest in someone else crept in.

Denny is a wonderful guy.  He’s incredible, and there’s no denying that.  But I don’t love him.  Not the way I’d have to to actually succeed in a relationship with him.  I hate the thought of hurting him.  I hate the thought of rejecting him.  I hate the thought of him being depressed because he’s losing only the second relationship he’s ever had . . .  But I know it’s not fair to live out what ultimately results in a lie simply because I hate the idea of hurting him.

I know what I’m gonna do.  To be honest, yes, it does feel like I still love Drew, but I’m not entirely sure.  It could simply be how guilty I feel over hurting him the way I have, and that in time will fade.  I’m giving it until the end of October.  Then, if I still feel this way, I’m gonna let Denny know, and basically tell him I need time.  After that, I’m gonna go talk to Drew.  Depending on what happens there will determine what happens between me and Denny next.  Because either we’ll take things nice and slow and see if anything does develop after things with Drew are out of my system, or . . . I’m not gonna hear from him for who knows how long because he won’t want to talk to me.

And yes, Denny already knows about all this.  I’ve been honest with him about it, including the end of October part.  Obviously, he’s not looking forward to it, but even he admits that after the conversations we’ve had, it sounds like I need time.

I know everyone’s opinions of Drew.  But you know what?  As much as you may hate his actions, if you don’t know the reasons behind them, don’t judge him.  I’m not trying to say he’s anywhere near perfect, but all of us have actions in our pasts we’re not proud of.  How would you like it if you were judged purely on those actions in your life?  Others would have just as low an opinion of you, now wouldn’t they?  Now ask yourself another question: how right would those people be?