Eye Of The Beholder

I was reading over Melanie’s diary.  It’s almost funny to think that not one of them knows my diary even exists.  Unless they saw that one comment on Dan’s, and decided to click the link.  But then, they can’t reach this one anymore, because after I told Shjannon of this one’s existence, I changed the name.

I was reading an early thing of Melanie’s, however, and I saw one, back in September of 2001.  You know, after things with me and Dan started, but before things with me and her blew up?  Well, get this.  Here’s what she says about me:

"My "friend" Kate is being such a stubborn pain in the ass..I don’t even know what to do about her anymore. She is straining the once relaxing atmospheric friendships of Dan, Kate, Mike, Rob and Myself…all over a situation that none of us should be involved in. I’m so tired of her..and all the one sided efforts I put into my friendship with her. Shannon, Dan, Rob and I all make an effort to keep our friendships with her..but in return she doesn’t make the effort. I for one..am tired of it all. I don’t think she cares about making these friendships work. "

I find exactly how deluded she was to what was actually going on rather funny.  I’m the one straining the relationships?  Oh, yeah.  Sure.  Because I was the one who purposely decided to scare someone late one night and wouldn’t explain why.  Because it’s my fault that Dan scared me so badly that I didn’t even want to look at him.  I suppose it’s my fault that I thought I’d be able to talk to someone who was supposed to be my friend about it!

One sided efforts of friendship . . .  What kind of BS is that?  Melanie and I had had some kind of falling out around the time she wrote that entry, and I tried to talk to her about it, but she didn’t want to discuss it!  So, excuse me, who is doing the one-sided act? I’ll give Melanie this.  Perhaps we both tried on different occasions when the other wasn’t in the mood to listen, I don’t know.  I don’t remember well enough.  But Shannon, Rob, or Dan making efforts at keeping my friendship?  What kind of stupid-ass joke is that?  Dan, if anything, tried to rid himself of me, Rob and I just plain drifted apart because we really didn’t have anything in common, and only really hung out with one another in a group, and Shannon refused to listen to anything I tried to tell her, and has gone off with her own life, becoming friends with other people and ultimately leaving me behind.

Don’t get me wrong.  Frankly, I’m happy that these people have other friends, and they should be going out there and meeting other people.  But it’s just plain BS that they tried to be there for me, or that they were putting in efforts to keep a friendship with me, but gave up because those efforts were so obviously one-sided.  None of them tried to be there for me.  None of them.  They were too busy letting Dan know that they thought he was right, or that I was selfish, or something.

Melanie was wrong then, and if she still thinks it, she’s wrong now.  I did care about making those friendships work.  Because those were my friends.  Or I thought they were.  But then, friends are supposed to listen to one another’s problems, aren’t they?  Friends are supposed to support you, aren’t they?  Friends are supposed to be there, to give a shoulder to cry on, aren’t they?

Well, then I had one crappy bunch of friends, because not one of them did any of the above things.  Where were any of them when Dolly and I finally ended things?  I’ll tell you where at least one of them was.  On her computer, telling me off just because I made a sarcastic joke that she couldn’t take!  Sitting there, IMing me, telling me that I’m self-centered, that I’m this horrible bitch, all because of a stupid sarcastic joke that she’d heard a million other times from a million other people, most of whom were friends of hers!  And I’m the one she blows up at.

It sucks.  It just sucks.  I think I am gonna talk to Melanie about this soon.  I don’t know.  I mean, I know it’s post-mortem, but you know what?  It still hurts.  It still really hurts.  Just to know that maybe it wasn’t only her who thought that.  That maybe everyone did, and that’s why they drifted away. 

That maybe Dan really didn’t have to do much of anything as far as that threat went . . .