Equivalent Exchange
Insensitive
How do you cool your lips, after a summer’s kiss?
How do you rid the sweat, after the body’s bliss?
How do you turn your eyes, from the romantic glare?
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere?
Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes, your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face, told me
Maybe, you might have some advice to give
How to be insensitive, insensitive ooh, insensitive
How do you numb your skin, after the warmest touch?
How do you slow your blood, after the body rush?
How do you free your soul, after you’ve found a friend?
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again?
Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I thought that you might have some advice to give,
How to be insensitive
I’m A State Alchemist!
Okay, not really. But I got the pocket watch and the gloves from eBay today. The gloves weren’t what I was expecting, but that’s okay, they’re still cool. And I can buy correct ones at this Halloween store near me tomorrow. So no big deal. You know what was really cool, though? The pocket watch was set to the right time! And that’s really good cuz I have no clue how to set it.
I said not too long ago that I believed in equivalent exchange. Yet . . . I’m not sure now that I really do. ::Sighs:: I don’t feel like getting inot it. I don’t know what more to say. Everyone thinks that I’m over it. Or should be over it. And perhaps they’re right. But how can I be, when every time I look at someone who’s supposed to be a friend, I experience that ‘second look?’ Just a general feeling of "can I really trust her?" And most of the time, the answer is no.
I just wish I knew what it was about me that people found so untrustworthy. Maybe it’s because no one knows the real me. I’ve learned over the past few years not to let anyone in that far. Heh. Then again, it’s not like anyone recognizes the invitations I give. I wonder what I would do if someone actually did and took me up on it. I’d probably choke, back of simply because I didn’t expect them to take the bait, so to speak.
Then again, does anyone know that they don’t know the real me? Aside from learning it from reading this entry, I mean. I have as many dreams as the next person. Yet, I can’t help thinking of a line from FullMetal Alchemist. "Dreams are just fantasies. If it comes true, it was never a dream."
I can’t help thinking that I have too many dreams and that they’re all I have. That because they’re dreams, they’ll never come true. By all rights, I should be very happy. I’ve got a good job, my financial situation is improving cuz now I’m actually saving money, I’ve got time to myself to spend with my animals or on my room or on my writing . . .
So why do I feel so Goddamn empty?
Because what do I really have? All the experiences that I’ve gone through have only given me knowledge. Knowledge of the kind of people to stay away from that somehow keep pushing into my life, regardless. Knowledge of what some people are truly like — yet others stick with them anyway, picking them over me. Knowledge that no matter what, no matter how much a person may mean to me, no matter how often I’d put them first, I would never be their number one. Knowledge that there are some people in this world who can get away with whatever they want because no one will stand up to them. Or the people that would will never be believed. Knowledge that no matter how important we consider honesty, no matter how much people say that they’re honest and want honesty in return, no one can truly handle it. No one truly wants it. So what’s the point of being honest? It’s not like anyone appreciates it. Not when they’re the one targeted.
It’s not like I could ever truly speak my mind here, because it’s not like I have the patience to deal with what everyone would say about what I think. No one respects anyone else’s opinions, not really. Deep down, everyone thinks, ‘Well, that’s stupid, they should think more like me, cuz I’m right.’ I have been attacked because of my position on religion, same sex marriages, and other topics like that that no one wats to touch. Or the ones that do, decide to write about them simply because they want to shout out from the rooftops that everyone should follow their belief, because *of course* that’s the correct one to have. Yet those are usually the most corrupt and stupid opinions of them all.
I’ve been here before. At this place, so close to giving up and just not caring and disappearing into my own little hermit shell of a world. Yet, every single other time I’ve been here, there was someone to pull me out. In eighth grade, it was Dolly. Her letters largely saved me. During my junior year and that summer, it was Mike. During the whole thing with Dan, it was Jason.
They were able to save me then because they were the ones at those points in time who were unusually close to me. But now, I don’t have anyone like that. Yeah, I feel close to Dolly, but not that close anymore. Jason, I’m not even able to talk to. Mike, God, I don’t even wanna get into it. I don’t trust him. Simple as that. I don’t. And I HATE how many people are still saying to me or him, "So, when are you two getting back together?" WE’RE NOT, DAMNIT!!!! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK HEADS!!! WE ARE BROKEN UP, AND THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I’M GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM!!! THERE, ARE YOU ALL HAPPY NOW????? YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER, SO ACCEPT IT, ALREADY!!!!!
I’m just so sick of him coming back here and telling me some new story about someone at Staples saying something about "us." As if there stil is an "us." There hasn’t been an "us" where Mike and I are concerned for almost four years!
I don’t believe in
love anymore. At least I don’t think I do. I mean, I honestly look around at all the "happy" couples within the friends I have and I wonder to myself, "Gee, how long will they last?" And before I get jumped on for that one, no, it’s nothing against the person they’ve picked to date. I just have that little faith in relationships right now. It has nothing to do with the people in them, or who the person’s with. I do find it rather ironic, though, that I’ve been able to look at a couple and pin if they would break up or not. I’ve done it three times so far, and two of the three, I was within six months of when they would end things. The last, I had no clue when it would end. I just knew it would.
Why have I lost so much to only gain knowledge from it? What good does knowledge do me? All it gets me are entries like this, where I’m flat out saying who cares about honesty? It’s not like the people important to a person ever believe in honesty or integrity or morals or a person once they’re thrown into question.
Heh. At the Beginning. I used to love this song, you know. I used to love all those Disney songs. Now I can’t stand to hear them, because they represent a time in my life that I can never get back. A time I didn’t appreciate as much as I should have. A time I didn’t even know I should appreciate so much. I didn’t know how quickly it would be taken from me. I didn’t know I would look back one day and think, ‘When did I become this?’
It’s funny. I know who I am, despite all this. But knowing who I am just adds to the pain, because who I am doesn’t fit in anywhere. I look at all the other circles of friends and I can’t help wondering if any of them know what being an outsider is like. Truly know what being an outsider is like. I honestly wonder if anyone can actually understand it and know how lonely it really is. I’ll never know, though. Because even though people can say they know, or that they understand, it can never be proven that we’re actually feeling the same thing. Someone else’s idea of being an "outsider" after all, could be wearing blue nail polish when everyone else has purple.
I just . . . I wish there was one person who could just . . .
::Sighs:: I think I’m gonna end off here.
How can you sit around and feel sorry for yourself? How can you say honesty doesn’t matter? Are you saying everything i’ve worked for up until now was pointless? If i say that i’m honestly concerned with how you feel, would you tell me my concerns were pointless? Honesty exists and always will. I will be true to myself and others no matter what. Anyone who says that is pointless, can come say that
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to my face. So many people have put their trust in me and i’ve never let them down. I never will. To them my honesty keeps them alive. I take on the weight of all those i care for with my honest love for them. If people aren’t honest to you, that’s your clue to walk away. Find those that are honest. There is no sense in whining. It won’t bring you any closer to someone you can trust. You have two
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perfectly good legs. Get off your ass and walk. You have two perfectly good arms. Reach out and grasp that which you desire. You are honest to yourself… is that not important either? And knowledge… you complain that’s all you’ve received. Yet you talk about the people who saved you. Was that not a gift? What about your animals? What about my life, the one you saved? And if you can only see the
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knowledge you’ve gained, that’s your own fault, but at least you have that. Some people don’t gain anything. You learn from your mistakes. Some people aren’t given that opportunity. Your ability to manipulate words… another gift. How can you be so foolish at your age? Life is what you make of it. You’ll gain what you want to gain. Just take it. Follow your feelings, that’s the only way to live.
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And you want to talk about an outsider? I’m going to guess you’re white. I’ll assume you are for the sake of what i’m about to say. I’m a half-breed. Half-Korean and half-American. I grew up in Korea under the protection of my mother. When i came back to the states, we lived in the South. Try getting beat up everyday without anyone caring. Try fighting great numbers just to make it home. Then go
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back to the one place where you thought they’d accept you. for me that was Korea. I went when i was nine. i had to go alone. i was so excited. how do you think when i found out my own family didn’t accept me? they tried to abandon. but then… i got beat up everyday by older Koreans because i was half-American. I wanted to be accepted but no matter where i went, i wasn’t part of the whole. That
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didn’t break me. I didn’t go home and whine. i didn’t even tell my parents. I studied the language. i learned the customs. i did well in school. i became a good person so that everyone would have to accept me. an honest person, one that could be respected. i gained acknowledgement from the people here. i went back to Korea last summer. I announced i’d become a doctor in their language. i acted
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more Korean, sounded more Korean, and even looked more Korean. They couldn’t not accept me. I worked too hard for them to turn away. I know what being an outsider is. I overcame it. I wanted to be accepted so i took it with my own hands. Are you sure you know what being an outsider is? If you really do, then do something about it. If need be, i’ll help you every step of the way. Just ask. I will.
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Somehow I just find it ironic that you feel you can trust someone who hasn’t managed to keep an important promise to you yet, and willingly chose his abusive mother over you time and again, yet you say you can’t trust me. I’m still trying to discover who I am, now, and you said you’d help me while I did. It’s not a one day or week or even month or year thing. I lost time, Kate. More than I care-
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to contemplate. The person above seems to think perhaps you are assuming too much to be on your shoulders. That perhaps your burdens are not what they are, but what you are presuming them to be, which makes them much more that they should be. Try finding out you are a we and that we are now me. It’s pretty hard on the brain, Kate. You find yourself acting one way at times out if instinct and not-
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even knowing or understanding why. It doesn’t make your own troubles less, but maybe it’ll help put things into perspective, to look at things from another’s point of view. I’ve spent a long time trying to prove to you that you can still trust me, Kate. You just never seem to accept what I’ve done for some reason. Perhaps you should look at what it is you do accept, considering everything with-
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Jason, and ask why you can’t apply that to me or to others. It’s like you can’t seem to forgive people. Or if you do, you can’t move past it and let things start afresh. Why can’t you forgive me, especially when so much of what happened was directly related to the other two “me’s” inside my mind? Why is Jason forgivable, but not me? Well, I guess we’ll talk later on.
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Hey, ya know, sometimes it’s not people being DISHONEST to you, just that people don’t want to divuldge every last detail to you. When I held stuff back from you, it wasn’t cuz I didn’t trust you, it was because I was ashamed of how these things made me feel and I just didn’t want to make them more real and more traumatising by talking about them. And sometimes, people just don’t think that…
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…something’s as important as you might feel it is. And it just slips that persons mind until you hear of it and freak out because no one told you. But it really just might be that it didn’t seem important enough for the offender to remember to mention…. The world IS full of ditzes, ya know….
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what a neto diary u have
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Love, relationships and friendships are hard. You just have to take everything in strides. Things will eventually fall into to place, and when they do, you will always feel like you belong. It may not be today or tomorrow, but if you just keep moving and pushing on, you will get there some day. 🙂
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*big hugs* And follow the advice of the above noters. I’ve never been through a bad breakup, so sadly, I can’t help you. Due to a psychotically-obsessed hater, my diary isn’t accepting notes at this time. Feel free to contact me at ChasingChase0707@aol.com. ~
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ryn Well, some of my other Faves convinced me to go Faves Only, which would allow them, but not the psychotic hater, to leave notes. I don’t think you can say anything to them, though: Last time I checked, they hadn’t written anything. But thanks, it’ll really help. ~
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