Entry 837 – Betrayal

This was the name of my very first entry, written on May 10th, 2003.  It’s funny.  Not a whole lot has changed since then, except for one major thing.  Now I know who I have and who I don’t.  There’s no more wondering on my part.  Not in that aspect, anyway.

Long story short, Mike went into the hosptial Tuesday night.  Apparently, he was at a diner with Shannon and Dan and his leg went numb.  The same one he’d said was bothering him for the past I don’t know how long.  Anyway, neither my parents nor I found out that he was in the hospital until 11:30 Wednesday morning.

That made me just downright pissed off.  Even then, I knew Mike well enough to figure that he pobably didn’t want anybody to worry.  But he was in the freakin’ hospital!!!  I wouldn’t expect Dan to have any consideration towards my family, Hell, he couldn’t even call Mike to tell him when his own grandfather’s funeral was, but Shannon should have knonwn better.  Hell, plain and simple human decency says that you call and tell the family that a person is staying with that they’re in the hospital.  But no, neither of them showed that consideration.

And nobody get on me about how they were preoccupied with Mike and staying with him.  There were two of them, so one could have stayed with Mike while the other called.

Anyway.  Yeah, that pissed me off.  I mean, when Mike didn’t come home Tuesday night, I figured, ‘Oh, he’s just sleeping over at Shannon’s or Colleen’s or somebody’s and didn’t bother to say anything.’  It’ not like it hasn’t happened before.  And then Wednesday I find out he’s in a freakin’ hospital!  And that his job knew about it before we did!

He came home Thursday morning.  Well, ‘morning’ being a relative term.  I think it was actually more like just before noon.  Ironically enough, I woke up because I heard him say the word "neurologist."  He came up to my room and sat down on the bed, or maybe I gestured for him to.  And I remember, I don’t even know how much of what he said I absorbed, but I wanted to hug him.  I wanted to tell him that I was glad he was okay, that he was back here and not staying in some sterile hospital room with no color and weird roommates.

Rob and I had gone to see him on Wednesday afternoon, but he wasn’t in his room.  We’d managed the marvelous timing of making it there while he was getting an MRI done.  I’d called it in the car.  We’d have waited and actually sen him, but Rob hadn’t eaten/taken his medication, so I didn’t want something to happen to him.  As he joked, we were in the right place if something did, but I didn’t want to see anything happen to him.  So I left a note for Mike on his pillow, and we left.  I found out later that if I’m correct, we left about ten minutes before he got back.  (And yeah, he had this creepy old guy as a roommate.)

We talked later on Thursday.  Me and Mike did.  Heck, I ended up bursting into tears in his arms.  Okay, I burst into tears and he pulled me over in a hug.  I admitted what I’d thought that morning when I heard his voice and how it showed how far we’d seperated that I couldn’t even reach over and hug him.  I told him that one thing was honestly that I resented him.  Since December, it’s felt like he basically has done the same thing that Dan did to me.  Came in and taken everyone I cared about, save for a couple of people.  It just reminded me too much of all that.  Not to mention that he’s been acting like Dan, at least to me.  That same kind of arrogant jerkish-ness that I can’t help responding to with my own snipes.  I’ve been on my guard around Mike because of that for months and I do admit, more than my fair share of times, I’ve started the sniping matches we’d have.

I also admit, I know it’s not his fault that people have left me behind.  I just resent him because he’s the one they left me for and because it reminds me too much of things with Dan.  Things with me and anybody back then weren’t truly fixed.  All they did was get swept away for a little while.  Until a situation came up where there could be a split again.

I suppose I’m not so much angry this time around as I have a sense of grim resignation.  I don’t matter.  I know that now.  That’s what it basically comes down to.  Yeah, there are some people I matter to.  Save two, they’re all long distance friends, but still.  I just . . .  I don’t know.  I wish it’d been a clean break instead of this feeling of gradual seperation.

::Sighs::  Oh, well.  Just gotta move on, right?

By now, I should be used to people leaving.

Then again, maybe I am.  Because I find I’m not trying anywhere near as hard as I used to to hang onto them.  Any of the people who used to be mutual friends of me and Mike, or me and Dan, (again, save for two,) I honestly don’t care about contacting.  It hurts when I hear about something they’re gonna do that they should know I’d love to join in on but I know they won’t invite me.  But other than that . . .

Oh, well.  One assessment that I’ve heard of them honestly seems to fit perfectly.  So considering that, I suppose I should be glad I’m not part of that group.  I wouldn’t want that assessment thrown on me as well.

Not a very cheerful marker for my three year anniversary on Open Diary, is it?  Oh, well.  The start of this diary wasn’t a very cheerful one and I seem to have come full circle.  Only with a few less wonderings and a few more certainties.  I wish I’d have written something on May 10th itself, but considering the mental state I was in, you’ll have to forgive me.