Entry 835 – This Is Driving Me Nuts . . .

This is driving me nuts.  It seriously is.  Remember the Head of Heart entry I wrote?  If not, go back a couple and read it if you want.

I was thinking about Rob all day yesterday and realizing something.  He doesn’t intellectually stimulate me at all.  Well, in some ways he does.  Because I’m having to explain concepts or word meanings or something of the like that honestly, he should know.

It drives me nuts.  He IS smart, but not only does he not believe it of himself, he puts down his intelligence/talents/whatever so much that any belief he could have is diminsihed by him long before anyone else can either agree or say differently.

I am quite sure that he could keep up with me.  Speed-wise, reflex-wise, intelligence-wise, balance-wise, everything-wise.  But he’s so used to people just accepting that ‘oh, this is how he is,’ and just being used to thinking of him as this slow, uncoordinated, dumb klutz, and it drives me insane!

Honestly, I have enough trouble encouraging myself!  I can’t do it for someone else, too.  I want to see him believe in himself, I want to see him know what he can do and not automatically assume that he can’t do something because he hasn’t tried it before.

I never truly realized exactly how used to a high degree of intelligence I was.  And it drives me nuts because while yes, Rob does fall short, I just get this feeling that he doesn’t have to.  That he could easily understand the concepts and stuff that I attempt to discuss with him if he would only open up his mind.  It always seems like part of his attention is elsewhere.  Or maybe like he’s figuring, "Oh, she’s getting all smart on me again," and automatically figures he won’t understand, so why try?  You know?

And it kills me that if I tell him that I think he could keep up with me but that I wonder if he doesn’t because he already assumes he won’t understand, he’ll look at me with those sad eyes and apologize for disappointing me.  It kills me that on so many levels he thinks he’s nothing but a disappointment, a failure, someone who’s not smart enough, someone who’s not ANYTHING enough to keep up with those around him.

It’s driving me nuts.  And I don’t know what to do because half of me is telling myself to break up with him before I end up doing to him what I did to Mike.  But the other half is telling me to stick it through, that no I won’t make the same mistakes, and if I break up with Rob now, he’ll just be worse because he’ll be thinking that he wasn’t good enough for me to stay around.  Maybe that wouldn’t be a conscious thought, but it’d enter his mind.

It kills me because he’s even afraid to argue with me!!!  Not because he’s afraid of my temper, he’s never seen me really pissed off.  But because he’s afraid of one of us saying that it’s over in the heat of an argument and then both of us being too stubborn to call the other afterwards.

WHY doesn’t he realize that if we truly are meant to be and truly are in love, that no amount of arguing would keep us apart for long?  If we truly did get into an argument as bad as that, but truly did love one another, we’d both swallow our pride and talk to the other.

I know that part of the reason I don’t want to break up with him is because then I’ll be completely alone.  I couldn’t expect Rob to still want to hang out if we weren’t together.  And everyone else . . .  They’re either long-distance, really busy, or . . .  not really my friends anymore.

What am I gonna do?

Btw: no, the last entry is not in relation to Rob.