Entry 820 – “Lousy Smarch Weather . . .”

Lol.  Anybody remember that Simpsons Halloween episode?  You know, where Willie was killing the kids in their dreams?

Anyway, I’m actually gonna sit down now and write a real entry.  It’s Wednesday and it doesn’t look like I have the Sears job.  I haven’t heard hide nor hair from them since I walked out of the store on Saturday.  So yesterday, after I picked Rob up and dropped him off at Staples, I grabbed the Asbury Park Press and decided to look in the classifieds.  I found a couple receptionist jobs that looked interesting, so I called on yesterday and left a message, but they haven’t called back.  I saw that Value City Furniture on 35 is hiring a receptionist, and I also saw one that said something like "Receptionist: wild and crazy office, no experience necessary, call …" and it gave the number.  So I figured "why not?" and called that one today.  Someone actually answered and I said that I’d seen the ad and was interested in details.  She actually set me up with an interview at one pm tomorrow, so I’m hoping something comes of it.

In other news . . .

Last night Rob and I were up in my room, and I was commenting (again,) how I wanted to go outside and skate.  He didn’t want to, though, cuz he’s like, "Come on, I know I’m gonna fall," and all that.  Neither of us were letting up, though, until he said something like, "Come on, let the bruises I already have heal before you drag me out to destroy me again."

And I know he didn’t mean it the way some part of my mind took it, but him saying that just rubbed me the wrong way, because I do know that in many ways, I did destroy Mike.  And I don’t even want the implication given to me that I would do that to someone else.  Especially Rob.  I would never do something like that to him.

Anyway, after a couple minutes I sat up and said, "Look, even if you aren’t coming, I need to skate.  I know you didn’t mean to, you probably didn’t even realize you would, but you hit a nerve."  And I left my room.  I walked outside, but it was too cold, so I went over to the guardrail and sat there, shivering, for a few minutes before walking back over towards my yard.  That was when I heard the back door open and I headed back towards the streetlight at the very end of the cul-de-sac.  I just stood under it like I used to when I was a kid, dreaming about becoming famous and standing under the "spotlight," so to speak.  He came up behind me and we ended up hugging, as well as shivering.  He said he was worried about me and didn’t like how I’d left, that it had scared him.  I reiterated that I knew he hadn’t meant to, but that he’d hit a nerve with what he said about destroying him.  He apologized and I told him it was all right, he didn’t have to.

I did end up skating, after recalling a memory to him that I’d pretty much forgotten about.  See, he suggested just pretend-skating in our shoes out there since it was too cold to take our shoes off.  (He said to me when he came up behind me, "I thought you wanted to skate."  I said that it was too cold and my feet would freeze.)  Anyway, the idea of sliding around in our shoes reminded me of when I was a kid in Daisy’s, about to go ice skating for the first time with the troup.  I had these slippers that I loved wearing and I’d decided I would practice ice skating by sliding around in those slippers on the dining room floor.  Lol, needless to say, it didn’t work, I sucked at ice skating back then.  Rob was surprised that I categorized myself as worse than he was.

Like I said, I did skate for a bit.  We went around the back of the bowling alley and came out around the front and sat in front of the building for a bit, talking.  I asked why he’d gotten so worried about me and he said he was afraid I was gonna do something harmful to myself.  I told him I wasn’t the self-injury/suicidal type, but I’m not sure he completely believes me.  I’ve read him a couple of my darker journal entries and open diary entries, hence undoubtedly where his worry came from.  Yet on the same token, I’ve never been suicidal.  Yeah, I’ve had my darker moments, but even during them, I was determined to survive if for no other reason than to piss off the one/ones who were hurting me so badly.

When we were sitting i front of the bolwing alley, though, one of the things that got mentioned was him saying to me how I’ve said before that he has no idea how much good he’s done me, and he wants to know.  That he’s the kind of person who needs tangible proof of something.  I said I didn’t know how to explain it, because all the changes were up here, ::points to head::  So he said to write it, that I’m usually really good at writing things down.  Instead, I started talking, giving him a brief overview of what happened in high school wth Jason, and then afterwards how I opened my heart to him again, and how things ended with us.  I can’t even find words to describe how good it felt to not wake up in the morning and be thinking, hopelessly, about Jason and whether he wondered about me, whether he thought about me, whether he still cared about me or not.  It’s amazing to not miss him.  Yeah, I won’t lie, I still think about him and wonder sometimes if he’s doing all right, if he’s at all closer to getting out of that house.  I still wonder if there’s even the slightest chance that I’ll hear from him in the future.

But because of Rob, that’s not something that I now stake a part of my future on.  I no longer look to my future, hoping (probably in vain,) that Jason’ll be there.  I don’t know what I see when I look in my future now, but I do feel deep within my heart, that whether or not Jason is present, I’ll be okay now.  And it’s thanks to Rob.

We went inside not too long after.  We were up in my room and I was reading the sixth Immortal Rain book.  When I finished that, we got under the covers and were just lying in one another’s arms.  We were gonna do more than that, (hee, hee,) but then we both fell asleep.    Well, he fell asleep first, and it was around three thirty.  I was saying we should get up so I could drive hi home, but I wasn’t very strong in my convictions since I was tired, too.  Anyway, we both fell asleep, me in his arms, and we woke up around twenty after six.  Lol, I asked if he wanted to be driven back then or if he just wanted to sleep until around ten and be driven back then, but he said he should go now.

So I drove him back to his house and came back home.  Lol, once again, my mo thought at first that the car had been stolen.  She’d yet to go downstairs, so she didn’t see the note I left her on the kitchen table saying "We both fell asleep, so I’m driving Rob home now."

Anyway, he called me at about two and I went over there to hang out with him a bit before he had to go to work.  Lol, his brother Jonathan, is entertaining.  Jonathan was talking about hw there’s supposed to be snow tomorrow, and both he and I said, almost in unison, "Snow

ball fight!"  Rob just looked at us, pointed at the both of us, and gave sort of a "What is it with you people and snowball fights?" kind of reaction.  Jonathan brought up how Rob did have fun when we played basketball the day before yesterday and I brought up how he did have fun in the snowball fight that he and I had had.  Lol.  Me and his brother gang up on him so much.  And it’s only been two days!

So I dropped him off at Staples, came home, did some stuff like washing more dishes, and here I sit, writing this entry and talking to Joey.  Cuz of him, I think I’m gonna start working on my Our Strange Duet novel again.

I love when I fall asleep in Rob’s arms.  I’ve never felt so comfortable with another person.  And I’m pretty sure the same can be said for him.  Cuz before we got together, he would say how he would never be able to get to sleep in this house cuz of this or that or whatever.  Heck, he’s often said how he can;t fall asleep when he’s on his back, or on his right side.  The first few times he fell asleep here, when I did stay awake and was just letting him sleep for an hour or so, he was on his right side.  And last night, he was on his back, because I was leaning on his shoulder/chest.

It’s amazing to feel so comfortable around a person.