Embracing The New Year — 2005 Summary

Well, 2005 doesn’t hold a myriad of memories and painful experiences and funny experiences like other years I can name.  However, there were definitely memorable moments.  Hanging out with Melanie, just talking about whatever came to our heads and haunting the Court Jester.  Going bowling with Denny, Dan, Shannon, and Melanie and having a atermelon smirnoff for the first time.  Working at the Keansburg boardwalk and Domino’s.  Joining that karaoke contest.  Winning fifty bucks when I became a finalist.  Getting over my crush on Mike Keller and telling him as much in a letter that I’m sure he got but he’s never responded to.  Buying the sixth Harry Potter book onmy birthday and reading it in what totaled about twenty four hours.  Nana going into the hospital for the last time and passing away on August 18th.  Her memorial service on the 18th of September which was not only my parents’ anniversary, but also Jason’s 22nd birthday.  Starting to see Rob more often at Staples and saying how he’d make a good Miroku and should come to my Halloween party.  Making my own costume this year.  And Mike’s.  And Rob’s.  And Denny’s.  Spending more time with Rob and realizing that I thought I liked him but wasn’t sure because he reminded me so much of Jason.  Going skating with him and realizing that it truly was him I was falling for.  Making the discovery that I was finally over Jason.  And Mike finally deciding that he needs to do something with himself and really heal his own mind instead of relying on me to do it for him.

This year has had a lot of stuff happen in it.  I still cry over Nana when something really reminds me of her, or I watch the memorial service tape.  I still wish I could go up to Staten Island and just hug her.  Multiple times this month, when things have been exceptionally hard, I’ve wished I could see her, have her hug me, hold my hand, anything, even if she didn’t know what was going on.  Just knowing she was there would be a comfort.

But now ll that’s left is a painting.  Photgraphs.  And ashes.

Yet life does go on.  And I’m going on with my life even though I’ll always miss her and always, always love her.

I think I’ve gone on with my life in other ways, too.  Dolly wrote in her how well does she know me that I try to hard to hang onto people.  And she’s right.  I have an ingrained fear (that desn’t feel like a fear) of losing people I care about.  That makes me hold on too tight and sometimes lose them anyway.  Yet, I’ve been proven this year that some friends are friends no matter what.  Some friends will stick by you and support you and be there for you, even if you don’t see them every day.  And Melanie proved that to me.

I know she’ll probably tell me it wasn’t, but I felt my Christmas gift was so inadequate compared to what she gave me.  I got her a mooshy strawberry pillow and glittery penguin candles.  She gave me a memory scrapbook with reminders and pictures of fun times we’ve had together and decorated it with stickers and stencils and just put her own artistic touches and heart into it.

I can’t even describe how good it made me feel that someone would go to so much work on a gift like that for me.  It made me feel terrific and like someone really cared about and knew me.  Not the ‘me’ I necessarily show to the world most times, but the real me.

Dolly, as always, has been a terrific friend as well.  When we talked on the phone the day Nana died, we actually got one another to laugh.  She was such a comfort to me and I can’t thank her enough for that.

Regardless of whether anything besides friendship ever happens between us, Rob’s also been a huge help to me this year, without even knowing it or doing anything besides being himself.  He helped me get over my pinng for Jason and I can’t thank him enough for that.  I never thought I’d get over Jason, but I was wrong.  If Jason ever still wants to contact me to be friends, I’m willing, but I’m over the illusion that I was in love with him.  That’s not what love is like.  Not real, true love.

Jess has been a good friend to me as well.  It’s funny, but in a nice way, to feel that someone you’ve never seen in person is one of your closest friends.  And I hope that she continues to get better and healthier and stays safe.

There are other people I could mention, but I do wanna close this entry out.  All in all, while I’ve had some major heartache this year, I’ve also had it pretty good.  I’ve got good friends, I’ve learned more about myself, and I’m ready for whatever next year is going to bring.

  *~*  Happy New Year!!  *~*