Depression Is Stupid — Part Two

Okay, before I get into the “blah” stuff, I just want to say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Twenty exclaimation points for you!

Now, anyway. Bleh. I’m depressed. Today was another Eli’s thing, and . . . I don’t know. I just don’t enjoy them anymore. Ever since Mike Keller started coming. I can’t be myself. I don’t begrudge him that. Well, not really. I mean, I’m giving him a group to hang out with every couple of weeks. But . . . I don’t know. I mean, I co-created the new generation of Eli-goers, and yet . . . I don’t even want to show up there anymore. It just seems like every place I try to fit into eventually rejects me. Or I, without realizing it, was too different to belong in the first place.

I’m even feeling it at Dots. I was honestly beginning to think that hey, maybe I do fit in here. And then something happened that the manager talked to me about, and though I honestly didn’t do it, I got a write up because she’d wanted me to take care of it, and I hadn’t. I went in to see if the opther person there knew what was up, and they didn’t, and I figured if they didn’t, then it must have been taken care of. I was wrong, though. She purposely wasn’t told. So, even though I did come in, I didn’t go back and look at what was going on for myself, and I got written up. My job right now isn’t in jepardy, but if anything else goes wrong, I think it will be. ::Sigh:: Why does my luck with jobs suck this much? I get secure in a job, and boom! I’m fired, or that branch of the staff is laid off, or something! I hate this. But I need the money. I’m still three hundred in debt to Mom, and I need to save up.

But, yeah. Depression is stupid, but that doesn’t keep me from feeling it right now. I mean, Mike Keller was being all critical of the way Mike and I opened on our chess game, and what made it worse was that he and Dan were both standing over the board, watching the game, talking about how neither Mike nor I were” capitalizing on the other’s mistakes.” Then, they were both saying how it was ridiculous that a chess set had other pieces that were taller than the king. Hey, guess what? It’s a Fellowship chess set!! Of course the freakin’ cave troll is gonna be bigger than Saruman!!! I didn’t even want/expect Dan to show up. I mean, we created and started having these Eli’s get togethers so that we could go somewhere and have fun. I do not have fun around Dan unless I’m kicking his ass across the screen in Smash Brothers. All we do at Eli’s now is play cards. Yeah, I like playing Magic. I like playing Yugi. But come on!! Why not play chess? Why not play Encore? Why not play something other than a damn card game all the time???

Thank God I’ve got my Smiley Shrine over on the pink wall. I need it about now. See, I hate this feeling. I don’t want to be home. I want to be out. Just not around people. Well, one person I wouldn’t mind, but that person I can’t see, save for one time a week where I have to drive forty minutes to do so.

At least tomorrow I’ll get to see Return of the King for the fourth time. Heh. Right now I feel like the King of the Dead in the pass in the mountains. Or at least, I feel like what he said to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli.

“The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead; and the dead keep it. The way is shut.”

–Notes–

Boo-hoo! That person you’d like to see isn’t me! Boo-hoo-hoo! I’m depressed, too. Don’t feel bad. I got in trouble at work cuz dad hugged me while I was fetching someone’s ciggies. ;( I told him, “DAD! I’m WORKING!” But, noooo. He has to hug me right in front of my boss. Grr. [HyacatDuncan]