Damn, It’s Cold!

I’m writing this in the Brookdale library, where I’m basically just hanging out until the dinner before the first Visiting Writers Series begins tonight.  I decided to go to the only fiction author’s visit.  It’s something we have to do for the Intro to Lit class.  Plus, once I’m done on the computer, I can go upstairs to one of the desks and work on my paper for that class.

I know a lot of people, on here, and in person, are curious as to why I’ve stuck by Drew.  Considering the past between us, I imagine it would be pretty incomprehensible to most why I haven’t just turned away and said the Hell with him.  I mean, to date, there have been two different situations where he’s hit me/I’ve wound up with some pretty colorful bruises because of him.  Then there’s all the different arguments that have happened because he was pissed off at his ex.  All the times he’s said he would disassociate from everyone in New Jersey and just leave, heading to another state.  All his sarcasm, his temper issues, his defensiveness, his complete sensitivity to joking/teasing about some subjects, his insecurity, and undoubtedly the list goes on.

Why would I stay with someone like that?

Well, I suppose I should make clear my stance of abuse, cuz I will admit, he did become physically abusive with me.  My stance of abuse, aside from that it SHOULD NOT happen, is that the reasons behind it have to be taken into account.  That’s not saying that if someone doesn’t feel safe, they should remain and try to see the reasons behind the actions of their partner, parent, spouse, etc.  If someone doesn’t feel safe, they should get the Hell out of that situation and continue telling people until something is done.  But then, as far as boyfriend-girlfriend/spousal abuse goes, that rarely ever happens, I think.  Too often, the abused one is under the impression that they aren’t worth anything, or they’ll never find someone better, or that they deserve to be hit or belittled or whatever, and therefore, they stay.  I saw a diary once where they talked about how ‘THE WOMAN IS THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS THE RIGHT TIME TO LEAVE.’  (Obviously not taking into account that men can be victims, too.)  And I believe that yeah, they actually had it in all caps.  I noted, voicing my disagreement, and they deleted my notes as fast as I could write them.  But I disagreed because if someone sees abuse is going on, that person should step in and say something, either to one or both of the parties involved, or to someone official, like cops, or a social worker, or someone.  Plus, if the person is staying because they feel any or all of the three things that I mentioned above, why would they leave?  They’d be too weak-willed at that point to leave.  They’d feel like they’d never survive on their own, like the abuser is the only one who can provide for them, like they really are worthless or whatever without the one making their life miserable in the first place.

Anyway.  That’s not my situation.  Long story very short, because while it’s gotten a bit easier over time, it’s not something I’ll ever be anything but ashamed of, I became abusive for awhile, too, thanks to my own horrible temper.  I took it out on Mike.  He had been my boyfriend, but by the time I’d gotten really out of control with my temper, we weren’t together, but weren’t exactly broken up.  His feelings became a burden on me, quite honestly.  He basically told me that getting together with me was like being brought out of a dark, cold cave where inside, he could only see silhouettes on the wall.  When we got together, it was like suddenly coming out into the sun, being warm, and having people around him instead of just shadows.  And he told me that me breaking up with him would be like being put back in the cave again, expected to be happy with the silhouettes when he now knew what was beyond them.

I was tied down to him, from the time I was 18 till I was 23.  We got together when I was seventeen, and things were good between us then.  But things happened with his family that I was either involved in because I was on the fringes, or directly personally involved, I wasn’t satisfied with us but he wouldn’t let me go, I wasn’t happy with myself and where I was in life, what was happening between me and other people I’d thought were friends (but should have known better,) and everything just piled on top of me and I took it out on him.

The most ironic thing is, he could have stopped it any time he wanted.  He was, and is, stronger than me by a damn good margin.  If he’d wanted to, he could have stopped me.  I don’t understand why he didn’t, to be honest.  But quite often, I wish he had.

I feel guilty to this day over what happened.  There are so many ‘would have,’ ‘should have,’ and ‘could have’ elements in the whole thing.  What if he’d left me alone?  I wouldn’t have felt the need to physically get him away from me when words were obviously proving to be meaningless to him.  What if he’d fought back?  I couldn’t have overpowered him.  What if, instead of the ones who were supposedly friends of us both, (and supposedly still friends of his, (though in all honestly, I don’t believe a good deal of them are capable of actual friendship)) being ‘afraid of my reaction,’ they’d all sat down with us both and basically done an intervention to tell me how bad my temper was?  Maybe I’d’ve realized it back then and avoided so many things.  And even if it hadn’t worked, at least they would’ve tried instead of turning their backs, pretending nothing was happening.

Other than that I actually care about and love Drew, that’s mainly what it comes down to.  Just like me, everyone in his life has turned their back on him because of one thing or another.  Maybe it’s his temper, maybe they’re afraid of him getting angry, maybe they figure he’s too angry/defensive/stubborn/whatever, but they’ve left.  Or when he turns his back, they figure he’s not worth trying to make amends with.  I’ll be DAMNED if I’m gonna be like everyone else in his life, and like so many in my life.  I’m not gonna sit there and pull some stupid, "Well, if he wants to be something, he can come to me," crap.  Not only is that an immature mindset, it’s also cowardly.  It’s the person turning their back, and making it seem like it’s the other person leaving.

The first time Drew hit me was almost a year ago, just after Halloween.  Immediately, I called him out for it.  I wrote about it when it happened, but that night, the first time he apologized, I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Why should I believe you?"

The second time was July 10th.  Technically, the 11th, since it happened at around 3 in the morning.  But the next day, when I showed him the bruises I had because of that fight, we kinda got into another argument, and I can’t remember what initiated it, but I remember saying, "You think I want to be with you after what you did?  I don’t want a relationship!  I don’t even know if I want you as a friend!"<br />

Obviously, that has changed.  Hell, to be honest, it changed as soon as the words were out of my mouth.  I realized the untruthfulness of them.

My point with that, though, is that I’ve never been a statistical ‘victim.’  To be honest, I don’t consider myself a victim at all.  Yes, I got hit in those situations.  Yes, we’ve had some pretty nasty fights.  But I fought back, damnit!  Lol.  I did, though.  The second time, in July, we both wound up grabbing each other, and I figured I was going down, but I would bring him down with me.  I tried, but failed.  He had too much of a good position with where his feet were, and I didn’t have the right kinda leverage.

He’s definitely made strides toward the up-and-up, though.  He’s had a couple epiphanies and to quote him last time this subject was brought up, "I took my anger at her out on you and that was the worst mistake of my life."

Maybe I just have extraordinary patience.  Maybe it’s that I have a big heat.  Maybe I’m really, really forgiving of people I care about this much.  Maybe it’s all three, or something else I’m not thinking of.  But whatever it is, Drew’s worth it to me.  I know what his bad qualities are, but I also know his good qualities.  And I think it’s about time someone was able to acknowledge and nuture the good things about him.