Constants

This is something I was thinking about earlier today.  I was thinking about Drew and how he has so many insecurities and wondering why he can’t just realize that I’m here for him.  I’m not going anywhere.  I love him unconditionally and I want to stay by his side.  Wondering why he can’t just have faith that I’m a different person and will be there for him.

Then I realized . . . he’s had so many different people in his life.  He’s been married three times.  Women he thought, for whatever reason, at whatever time, that he would love and be with for the rest of his life.  I’m not sure how big any of those womens’ families are, but he had to have had some in-laws that joined his life each time.  Then there are the different friends, acquaintances, etc., that come in and out of one’s life through the course of it.

Drew, to my knowledge, doesn’t have any of those people anymore.  Certainly not the in-laws.  As far as friends, best friends, acquaintances . . .  I’ve heard him talk of people he knew.  I’ve heard him make mention of memories he has of others.  Good times they shared.  Een falling outs he’s had with some people.  But no one in his life has been constantly there; an undeniable support shower, or someone he could talk to, who would be there for him.  Everyone has been there for whatever amount of time, and then faded from his, booted him out of their, or was booted out of his, life.

I’ve been extremely lucky.  I’ve had constants in my life.  Yeah, we had a two year hiatus, and then two years before that where things were really weird between us, but other than that, Dolly and I have always been in one another’s lives.  She’s been the one definite in my life for longer than I can remember.  We’ve laughed together, cried together, got angry at each other, been brutually honest with one another, told each other when we were being a pain in the ass, insisted we’d never talk to the other again, but in the end, we always come back to one another.

Ryan’s another constant in my life.  I’ve known him since I was not quite fifteen and I consider him to be one of my best friends.  We may not talk a lot nowadays, but we’ve been there for one another in the past.  He’s talked me through some pretty hard stuff, and I’ve been there to answer some rather *interesting* questions of his, lol.

Melanie and I had a two year hiatus as well, because of the whole survey/sarcasm/no life argument we had.  Even after we started talking on this diary, I didn’t really think I was that important to her.  I put myself below the people who’ve been constants in her life because I honestly didn’t think I was as close to her as any of them.  I’ve since learned differently.  And perhaps we’re not close in the same way as she is with the other people, but regardless, we’re still there for each other.

Mike, as well, has been a constant in my life.  Again, about a two year hiatus, (what is it with me and these two year breaks from poeple?)  But we’ve gotten a friendship back on track.  We’re not as close as we were, and sometimes that’s really weird for me, especially considering how close we became over literally the course of one day back on July 12th, 1999.  But it’s okay.  I accept it.  I may hate the fact of who’s taken my place, but I accept that it’s happened and just try not to think on who too much.

The point, though, is I realize especially now how lucky I’ve been.  Even with the people who have left my life, I’ve been lucky.  Because I had them for whatever period of time, and usually when they left in some kind of messy way, the true ‘constants’ in my life were there, (maybe not all of them, maybe not all at once, but to whatever degree, some combination of them,) to help me get through the rough times.

Dolly was there when everything initially happened with Jason the beginning of my junior year.  Mike was there through everything with Will.  Ryan was there when I needed someone to talk to about what I’d become when I was with Mike.  Melanie was there when Jason came into my life again and was being a punk and not contacting me.  And those are just the things that come immediately to mind.

When I was younger, in eighth grade, I thought I was in love with this guy named James.  I had our entire futures plotted out.  We’d started dating in high school, he’d propose at the end of our senior years, we’d be engaged through college, (going to the same school, of course,) and after college, when we were established in our careers, we’d get married, have our own house, own animals, possibly our own kids . . .

But he stopped talking to me in eighth grade, more than likely because he couldn’t deal with the fact that he had one set of friends on one side, and there was me on the other.  We had a secret friendship, and I was the school’s scapegoat.  He was more popular than me and didn’t want to get made fun of by the other kids if they found out he hung out with me.  So eventually, he picked them over me.  Surprise, surprise, huh?

The point is, I was devestated.  And I vowed never to assume I would know someone five, ten, twenty years down the line because more than likely, they would disappear from my life just like he did.  Dolly was the only exception to that rule.  Because I’d known her for so long anyway, what could possibly tear us apart?  (If I’d only known . . .)

Little did I know that the summer before my senior year, I’d meet someone who I’d break that vow for.  Mike was someone who made me believe that maybe I would know him five, ten, twenty years down the line.  (Hey, what do you know?  Ten years later, I actually do still know him.)

I want to be that person for Drew.  And I think he’s starting to have a bit more belief that I actually care for him.  Since Thursday night . . .  I don’t know.  He’s been . . . not really more affectionate, but . . .  I guess more open to affection?  I think after we had the argument where he hit me, he was expecting me to go back on saying I forgive him.  I think he was expecting me to turn around and say that I hated him.  And I think it’s surprised the heck out of him that I haven’t.  That I still tell him I love him.  That I’ve said I’ve forgiven him for what he did and haven’t changed my mind.

As far as that goes . . .  Yeah, November 3rd, we had our worst argument yet.  We both ended up doing some physical damage to one another just from basically grabbing at the other.  But the physicality culminated when he pulled back and punched me on my left cheek bone just under my eye.  It’s the first and only time he’s ever hit a woman and he was horrified by the fact that he lost that much control.  It’s had a positive effect, though.  I never wanted him to cross that threshold to realize how bad his temper had truly become, but since crossing it, he has.  And he’s working to not let it get the better of him.

Anyone reading this who will claim, "He’s physically abused you, you need to get away from him!!!!",  that’s not the case.  Yes, he did hit me.  Once.  And if I felt I was truly in any kind of physical danger, there are people I would tell about it.  My mom already knows about the fact that our last argument culminated the way it did.  She’s asked if I’m okay, and told me she wants to know if it happens again, and if it does, I’m out of there.  I can always come back home.

I’m glad she’s made the offer, it’s nice to know that no matter what, I do have a home I can go back to.  But at the same time, I don’t think I would.  If I truly believed I was in danger of Drew, I’d move, but it’d be to a one-bedroom somewhere.

However, I’m in no physical danger from Drew and I don’t live in fear of him doing that to me again.  First off, I’m stronger than that.  I’m not gonna live in fear of anyone, certainly not someone who definitely has realized his mistake and is taking steps to improve on his temper.  Second, because he’s realized exactly how big a mistake he’s made, I have faith in him that he’ll never do that again.