Comments

I was talking to Jason a few days ago, and I’d like to ammend something I said to him.  He and I were talking, and I asked why he never left comments on my diary.  He said because he doesn’t comment, and I said, “Yes, you do.”

I was right in one respect.  Jason comments on things.  He thinks too much for there not to be some kind of insight from him about the things he reads, talks about, or whatever.  What I’d like to ammend is this: while I do believe he always has a comment, he doesn’t always tell others what said comment, thougt or thing is.  Frankly, I’m willing to bet that one of two things goes through Jason’s head when he reads this thing.  Either he’s doing some kind of mind thing, figuring me out by what I pour into this, or nothing is going through his head, and he’s just figuring it’s a part of me.

He wrote once that there was more to me than he’ll ever know.  I can’t help wondering why he thinks that.  It’s odd.  Despite the amount of time we don’t get to spend together, I honestly feel I know him best of Ryan, Mike, and him.  And that he knows me best of Mike, Ryan, or him.

I guess, to be honest, I do have feelings for him.  I can’t help wondering if they ever truly went away.  I don’t think they did.  What I can’t help wondering is, does he still have feelings for me?  Because he told me he didn;t feel comfortable getting together with me, and I understand that.  I really do.  But he never said that he lost feelings for me.  I don’t know.  I know I’m grasping at straws, but . . .

I wish I had someone who would love me.  Maybe it’s not meant to be Jason, maybe it’s not meant to be Mike, or Ryan, or anyone else I know right now.  But . . .  I just wish someone would come along who would see me as his entire world.

But then, maybe I already do, and I’m shunning his love and devotion because I want someone else’s . . .

It’s something to think on, anyway.  Well, it’s storming, and I really don’t want the power to go out on me here, so I’m gonna go.

You know, one last thing before I do.  When Jason and I did decide to just be best friends, and remain that way, he said that he wouldn’t go back to being as closed off with me.  But, he’s reverted to being just as closed off with me.  I wish he wouldn’t.  He’s confided so much in me already.  Does he think I’d laugh at him?  I just wish I knew . . .

–Notes–

how weird… im going through something like that w/ a guy named jason.  its like i coulda typed your entry, haha.