“Can I Gnaw On Your Forehead?”

I figured I’d start with the funny story. When I was up at Kean on Wednesday, Jason and I were sitting in the piano room, me just leaning against him, and his arm around my shoulders, and for whatever reason, ‘Jason-logic,’ he asks me if he can gnaw on my forehead.

::Sighs:: This does relate, actually, to what I’m thinking. I do appreciate the notes I got from Melanie and Jill in regards to my last entry, but I guess . . . this is admission time.

I’ve only really ever done and been goods at one-on-one friendships. I’ve never been good in groups, despite all the parties I’ve had. And have. I don’t think I’ve ever truly learned how to interact with more than one person. And it goes back to when I was a kid. Whenever there was a threesome, I was the one who was left out. I suppose that’s where the inherent fear comes from, too. But when I started having these parties back during my sophomore year, things were better. These people were my friends. I liked having them around, and they definitely seemed to like hanging out with me. Things were so simple then. Dolly was my best friend. Anyone else — Shannon, Sue, Robyn, etc., were my friends, Ryan was my friend and crush/potential boyfriend, though only in my mind. Then I met Jason. And everything got more complicated. Because I realized that I saw him as someone I could get really close to, and I started saying the “best friend besides Dolly” bit. Everything got more complicated in high school, because of who I met, how I interacted with them, reactions I had to them, and they had to me . . .

I like keeping people to myself. I know, odd, right? But it’s true. Take Jason, for example. My insecurities aren’t so high that I’m constantly afraid of losing him, but the worry is there. “What if someone comes along who gets closer to him then me? What if I’m replaced?” And the only thing that will extinguish those insecurities and wonderings is if I could just keep him to myself and have him be closed off to everyone else in the world except me. Yet I’m not selfish enough to do that to him. I’ve encouraged him too much to be open, period. I could never ask him to do something so ridiculous, just to ease my mind. I’d rather have those twinges of insecurity about our friendship, and possibly lose him one day, rather than imprison him in a life of loneliness and solitude, where I’m his only window out. If I did that, he’d eventually start to hate me, which in turn would cause me to hate myself for what I’d done, and in the end, I’m worse off than just putting up with the insecurity. So, that’s that. I won’t do something so selfish to him. I will just put up with the insecurity, even though I hate it. Because the alternative is something I hate so much more.

I know Melanie and Jill have never met, but I can see that, already, they have this connection that I don’t have with either of them. I know people click in different ways. Some people never click, and others will know each other for two days before saying, “Hey, we’re best friends,” but . . . I don’t know. It’s like . . . It’s like the one line in Quest for Camelot. Kaylee and Garret have just come to the edge of the forest that he lives in. (He’s a blind hermit who abandoned his life in Camelot to the sanctity of the Forbidden Forest.) Anyway, he thinks that she won’t accept him when they get to Camelot. That she won’t see him as a knight, or a man, or anything. And he hands her Excalibur and says, “I don’t belong in that world.” Then he turns away. Kaylee stares after him, and says, “But you belong in mine.”

I guess that’s my entire problem. Who’s world do I fit into?

I wish . . . I wish someone would tell me that I’m number one in their life. That I’m the friend they would turn to, I’m the one they depend on. That I can put a smile on their face just because they hear my voice, or see an E-mail from me. I don’t want them to say it because they read this, I want it said because it’s something they mean.

I’ve seen your world
with these very eyes.
Don’t come any closer,
don’t even try.

I’ve felt all the pain,
heard all the lies.
In my world there’s no compromise.

–Notes–

Every friendship in my life is an important part of my world. It doesn’t matter what the circumstance is. You and I have been through so much..and yet we managed to become close friends again. That’s an amazing thing because most people in our situation would have had an awkward friendship..if that, had they been in our situation. But our friendship has become closer than we ever were before. [SolarEclipse]
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I understand your feelings about wanting to be number one in someone’s life..but to me friendship isn’t about that. It’s about being there for each other, making each other laugh, experiencing life together…and listening to each other. All you need to know is that you are important in my life and a really good friend of mine. I cherish our friendship. You are one of my favorite people to “talk” [SolarEclipse]
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too. Meaning we always have good communication with writing because we are both writers. I honestly believe that some people communicate better with words and writing, and our friendship is special in that way. We share thoughts and feelings with diaries..now that is honesty in a friendship. [SolarEclipse]
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Hey Kate~I forgot to ask, which diary is Dolly’s? I’ve never left a note on it, but from your last entry it seemed you thought I had. Just curious 🙂 [Ruby*Tuesday]
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Would it help if they just thought it, or even assumed it to be true? I mean, would it help to think that if a friend is that much of a friend, he or she won’t even think about saying these things out loud? [NotKieran]