Blahkingly Fezbo
I remember when I thought that word up. On April 4th, of, I believe, 1998. It means traumatized and depressed, by the way. You see, on April 4th, Dolly kissed Ryan, the guy that I had a crush on. It wasn’t some major thing, or makeout session, or anything. It was a simple, on the cheek kiss. But Dolly knew that I liked him, and said that she also liked him. It’s just that she was the one who had the guts to kiss him first. Whenever I thought about it, my lips would go dry, or I would be too nervous, or I’d talk myself out of it. But that entire day at Staten Island, whether we were in the basement or wherever, she would say, “Sidebar,” and pull me out of his hearing range and talk about how she wanted to kiss him. Eventually, I told Ryan what she was saying, and he asked if she would actually do it. I didn’t think so, and in the end, that was why she did it.
After she did, I sat there for about ten minutes, with my mouth hanging open. None of us reacted until Ryan finally said, “Okay, either she’s gonna laugh, or she’s gonna cry,” referring to me. That made me laugh, but afterwards, when I was thinking about it on my own, I got depressed, insecure, etc. I didn’t know if Ryan would start liking Dolly more than me, or what! And in one of the many letters I started to Dolly about my feelings, I couldn’t think of a word to describe how I felt, so I made one up. It was the start of the language we called “Katian.” (KAY-shun.) I actually have a notebook with all the different Katian words in it. I kept all of that.
I guess what got me thinking on it was I found my diary disk today. Where I write all my secrets that I won’t post online. One of the many places, anyway. But also on that disk are several IM’s I had with Jason, and . . . my final IM with Dolly. I read only the first part of it. I can’t read more than that yet. I’m not ready, and I know it. It’s been two years, but . . . It’s just too hard, knowing that that conversation was our last, and seeing in that first part alone, exactly how many things there were that should have proven to me long before then that the end was coming. Or perhaps should have come long ago.
What depresses me is that I think I was actually making some progress. I’d convinced her that Jason wasn’t the *only* one at fault in the whole thing back then. I say ‘only’ simply because while she admitted that his mom was at fault, she wouldn’t absolve him of guilt or her anger. I don’t blame him for it. He told me what had gone on back then, and I believe him. But Dolly had a will of iron, and could hold a grudge like nothing else. Her ability to hold onto things rivals mine! Yet, she was also a very forgiving person, when she wanted to be. I know the entire thing with Jason hurt her. Believe me, I know. But especially when he wasn’t the one who initiated it, why not let go of that anger and forgive him? I don’t know if she ever did.
I don’t know or understand a lot of things about Dolly. I mean, she talked to me about keeping pictures of Jason, and other ex-boyfriends of hers, just because she wanted to make Eric jealous, because it apparently proved to her that she could make him jealous. I mean, I don’t understand that. WHY feel the need to make your boyfriend jealous?? Isn’t him being there, telling you he loves you, or just having his arms around you enough? But then, frankly, I doubt the ability of Eric to do that. I don’t trust the guy any further than Jill could throw him. And YES, for those of you who may ask, I did meet him. Several times. The first time was when he was dating Dolly’s friend. But later, he decided he didn’t want to go out with her anymore, and asked Dolly out before ever breaking up with the friend.
I don’t know. Oh, by the way, thanks to those of you who left notes on here earlier. I tried leaving a note, but I kept getting the error thing after every letter. So, I’ll see if I can note you later.
Bye. J J J