Barely Hanging On . . .

Because of You
By: Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same
mistakes that you did

I will not let myself
cause my heart
so much misery

I will not break
the way you did
you fell so hard

I’ve learned the hard way
to never let it get that far

Because of you,
I never stray too
far from the sidewalk

Because of you
I learned to play
on the safe side
so I don’t get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you
I am afraid….

I lose my way
and it’s not to long before you
point it out

I cannot cry
because I know that’s weakness
in your eyes

I’m forced to
fake a smile, a
laugh, every day
of my life

My heart can’t possibly break when
it wasn’t even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too
far from the sidewalk

Because of you
I learned to play
on the safe side
so I don’t get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
not only me, but
everyone around me

Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
every night in your sleep

I was so young
you should have known better
than to lean on me

You never thought
of anyone else you just saw
your pain

And now I cry in
the middle of the night
for the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the
sidewalk

Because of you, I
learnt to play on the safe side
so I don’t get hurt

Because of you
I try my hardest just to
forget everything

Because of you
I don’t know
how to let
anyone else in

Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life
because it’s empty

Because of you I am afraid
….Because Of you….

 

 

Well, on the night of the 13th, I IMed Mike.  ::Sighs::  Yeah.  It was definitely a mistake.  Here’s the IM.

Kate (12:49:03 AM): I’m aware that you don’t want to, but I’d like to talk to you.

This is Kate, it’s an alternate screen name.

Do you want that ‘Big Bertha’ trench coat thrown out?  Because it, and some other things are still here and they will be chucked unless you say you want them.  Jut answer me and we can go back to ignoring each other, but I told my mom I didn’t want them gone until you were asked.  

Mike: Okay.  

Kate: Okay… what?  

Mike: If there are other things that somehow got left, then the easiest thing is to just drop them off at some point at Staples. I can talk to the managers so they know to keep it in the office for me to pick up. I work 5 days a week, so I’m garuanteed to get them.  

Kate: I’ll gather up the stuff then.  It’s the coat, some D&D or something like that related stones, more land cards I don’t need… 

 I doubt it matters… but I know what that dream was about, awhile ago.

With that woman, the dancer.  The ones you told didn’t know how to analyze it.  I figured it out.

Mike: okay, i’m not trying to be rude, but it’s late, i work in the morning, and i honestly don’t want to continue correspondance at this point. thank you for not simply throwing out my old stuff; that old coat did mean a lot to me, and i would be very grateful to have it back. that said, though, i would appreciate it if we could simply finish this last bit, and, as you put it before, simply "go back to ignoring each other".

Kate: Why is it so difficult for you to forgive me?  You used to preach to me about giving someone another chance if they’ve honestly changed, yet you’re not willing to put that sentiment into practice where I’m concerned.

::Sighs::  You know what?  You’re right.  This isn’t something to do over IM.  Are you working on Friday, and if not, are you free for an hour or two that day?  I can just hand you back the stuff, I’d prefer if we could talk a bit, and then… I don’t know.  Whatever happens, happens.  Or whatever doesn’t, won’t.

Mike: yes, i work on Friday, and have plans for the evening and weekend. I honestly don’t know when i next have a free day. either way, kate, again not to be rude, but the last time you wanted to work something out, i was stranded miles from home on a hot day without a phone or money on me, and had to limp in relative agony for about 5 hours home.

Kate: Three miles, you said you were healing, and that conversation didn’t go the way either of us had wanted, or so I think.  It certainly didn’t go the way I intended.  And how many years ago was that?  I’ve changed.  I don’t want to talk about the past with how things went down between me and everyone else and that’s what happened then. 

And relative agony-wise, the emotional end for me wasn’t too great, either.

Plus, to be technical about it, the last time I wanted to ‘work something out,’ I was in Wichita in a schoolyard, talking to you on the phone.

Mike: yes, i remember. and i asked you to give me space before contacting me again. then you imed me, and i said that while it was pushing it, i understood why you wanted things clarified, and to give me space for a while after that. then you messaged me on LiveJournal the next day. i tried to be understanding, Kate.

Kate: I IMed you to tell you about those Swords to Plowshares cards.  And it was during that IM when you said you wanted space before I contacted you again.  The livejournal comment was a mistake.  I’d hoped loose communication was a possibility, because I wanted to believe ‘contacting you’ meant about something serious, instead of just a comment left on an entry.  But it’s been almost a year.  Why is forgiveness so hard for me to come by from you?  You claimed in that phone call that despite your anger, if I needed to, I could come to you and you’d talk.  Why did you bother to lie to me like that if leaving you alone is what you keep repeating, then and now?

Mike: kate, i’m not going to level any accusations, and i’m not going to get into an argument over this. again, kate, you’ve gotten the information you needed about those things that were leftover when i’d left. like i said, i thank you for not throwing them out. heck, if bringing them to the store is inconvenient, then i can likely come by with jill tomorrow to pick them up, so you aren’t put out of your way by this anymore than you already have been. i’m asking you to please leave this at that, though. alright?

Kate: I’m not going to be here tomorrow.  What argument?  I’m asking a perfectly reasonable question, I feel.  Staples is two minutes from my house, so it’s not putting me out of my way.  The only thing that is, is not understanding why.

That dream was about me.  The woman, the dancer, was me.  The reason she ran you ragged and that you couldn’t get away was because it was your perception of me controlling you, you having to do what I wanted, no matter what you wanted.  The wolves, I believe they were, who would bring you back to her, represented all the things you cared about that you felt I controlled you with.  And the only way you were able to fight back was when you decided to take control.  That’s when you ran her ragged in your dream, and felt so energized, instead of exhausted.
I get it, all right?  You hate me.  You have for years now.  And where I should have forced you into seeing a psychologist, I didn’t, because you were so afraid of being stuck in an asylum, and because I thought we could handle it ourselves.
And now I have to live with the mistakes I made with you.  And I’m trying.  But it kills me to know that the biggest mistake, possibly of my life, was getting together with you, because the night I did, I lost the best friend I’ve ever had.
Does it ever occur to you that I’m not trying to fight?  That maybe, as impossible as it is, I just wish I could have my best friend back?

Mike: actually, kate, i figured out the dream a long time ago. the woman in the dream represented my life, and the fact that i felt i had no control of my life at the time. the wolves represented the way i felt like i was forced to run myself ragged physically and emotionally for all the various things i had no control over. when in the end i took control by controlling the dance in that dream, what it represented was me taking control of my life again, by starting to take action in a positive way. it wasn’t about you, or about hate.

that said, it’s late, and again not to be rude, but i don’t want to have further contact after this. let us please just conclude things, get the last of my belongings exchanged to where they should be, and then leave it be.

Kate: Then I want an answer.  Why am I someone so hard to forgive, and why did you lie to me and say I could talk to you, despite your anger, if I ever needed to?  I’ve wondered these questions for months, if not longer.  Once I know the answers, tell me your day off, and I’ll drop the stuff at Staples then, to not chance us running into the other.

Mike: for the first, it truly hasn’t anything to do with whether or not i have forgiven you. to be frank, i forgave you a long time ago. forgiving someone, however, does not mean wanting them back in your life, and even after all this time, things still hurt far too much for it to even be an option.

Kate: And for the second?

Mike: for the second, i didn’t lie. but i asked, both on phone, which you don’t seem to remember, but is understandable as you were upset at the time, and on the IM, which you do clearly remember, for you to leave me alone for a while and give me space. you couldn’t do do that, for whatever reason, and honestly, that resulted in me changing my mind about having contact.

Kate: If you forgave me, truly, actually forgiven me, then pain shouldn’t still be there.  At least not as much as you’re implying.
There’s nothing more I can do, then.  You’ll get your things, though I’m not sure when I can drop them off.  And I’m not going to beg.  I’ll accept this… eventually.
My Phantom, my guardian Angel, my best friend.  I loved you…
To paraphrase House… ‘You were the one.  You’ll always be the one.’  But you’re with Jill.  And who knows?  Maybe she’s your ‘one.’
Goodbye.

I started crying after typing the "I get it, all right?" paragraph.  And I scared the bejeezus outta myself that night after signing off.  I wen

t up into the kitchen to make myself something to eat because I’d barely eaten that day and didn’t want to wake up with a major headache.  I wanted to make myself an egg, so I got out the butter and a knife to grease up the pan.  When I turned away to go into the dining room for whatever reason, my gaze drifted over the knives in the butcher block on the counter and . . ..
I honestly debated cutting.  For just a second, I honestly wondered what that sharp knife would feel like, slicing into my skin.
.
It scared the Hell outta me.
.
I was barely able to hold it together the next day.  And it didn’t help that I kept hearing a bunch of romantic songs on the radio because of Goddamn Valentine’s Day, the annual "Hey, you suck if you’re single!" day.  I heard ‘Cry’ on the radio and guess what?  I burst into tears.  I heard ‘You’ll be in my Heart’ from the Disney version of Tarzan and burst into tears.  And I know there were others.
.
Seriously, I regret continuing the IM.  I wish that when he hadn’t answered me after I said that it was me, that I had just said something like, "Look, I’m only IMing because if you don’t want them, some stuff of yours is gonna be thrown out, including that first trench coat of yours.  Contact me by next weekend if you want them."  And then signed off.
.
::Sighs::  I’m screwed up . . .  I’m stupid enough to still love someone who obviously couldn’t care less about me.  And it kills me that he keeps rejecting me.  All those damned times, back when we were together, that I broke up with him, I was weak and kept going back, giving him another chance, hoping maybe that time things would be different, but it never was.  And now, he refuses to give me another chance, even in friendship.
.
He’s lying to me, I know that.  He hasn’t forgiven me.  Not even close.  If he truly had, maybe he’d still say he doesn’t want a friendship, but he’d be able/willing to talk to me without the apparent animosity.
.
For the first time in my life, I feel like the more I try to hold it together, the more I’m coming apart inside.  And it scares me.  It scares me half to death that someone could hold this much power over me.  Because unless I regain control, I don’t know what’s gonna become of me.
.
I’m already shying away from really having contact with people, with the exception of about four people.  I don’t dare open myself up to anyone anymore.  Not out of fear, but simply because I couldn’t take another betrayal, another rejection, another heartache.
.
I’m truly alone . . .  Sure, I have a few friends, but . . .  not someone there, who cares about me as more than that.  I’m free-floating again, with no one in sight as even a potential boyfriend.  Not that I’d go for it even if there was.  I’m too screwed up right now to put that on anyone . . .
.
I’m considering giving him back the second trench coat he had, that he gave to me on March 30th of my senior year.  We’d come back from a dance at Raritan, and when we were sitting in my kitchen, he said I could have it.  Heh . . .  It soaked up more than a few tears on the 13th . . .
.
It’s almost funny . . .  During my senior year, Feb. 13th was the day I saw him finally get out his feelings about his situation with this girl he liked who rejected him.  I wrapped my arm around his shoulders while he cried . . .  That night, I gave him half of a two part keychain my Nana had given me.  One part, the part I gave him, was a key.  The other part, that the key fit into, was a heart that said, "He who holds the key can open my heart."  And that night this year, I was the one crying, and . . . he couldn’t care less.  Of course, he didn’t know I was crying, but he made it more than clear he couldn’t care less about me.  Or my heart.
.
Heh.  The ironic thing is, only a few weeks after I gave him that key, he left it in his pants pocket and it was lost at the laundro-mat his family used.
.
I’m thinking about going into therapy.  Because I can’t keep having days/nights like I did a few days ago.  I just can’t.  I actually thought about cutting.  What happens if somehow I have a worse day?  What will happen then?  Would I ever actually cut?  On the 12th, I would have said no way.  But now . . .
.
If I could list by song how I’ve felt throughout this whole thing, the list would be as follows:
.
Because You Loved Me (when we were first together.)
My Happy Ending (after we were in that weird non-relationship status that neither of us could define.)
Because of You (when he pretty much wouldn’t let me go.)
Who Knew? (when I started feeling somewhat better about things.)
Over You (around the end of last year/start of this year.)
Because of You (right now.)
.
::Sighs::  I’m a fool.  Someone else who used to be on Open Diary a lot had a quote.  "If someone out there can make these scars, someone else can heal them."
.
Well, Mike caused these (emotional) scars.
.
I just wish I believed there was actually someone out there who wanted to heal them . . .