Back At Where We Skipped Rocks

My Mood:   — ::Sighs::

Or rather, I should say, “where HE skipped rocks.”  I never actually managed the feat, it was always Jason.

Yeah.  So, Mike and I went up to his dad’s today and we got there around four or so.  He was gonna do something with the printer, cuz I guess it wasn’t working, so I took that as my out to go up to Kean.  Well, not directly Kean.  Just that field where Jason and I hung out last spring semester and at the start of this one.

I walked over to that ‘Devil tree,’ and was surprised to see that the branch used to climb it is still there.  Next to it, instead of in it, but still.  I went to the tree where the roots make almost a seat structure and sat down, watching two ducks swim in the mini-river.  It was so cute.  The one made it upstream, past the rocks, but the other got washed back down and had to try again.

Anyway, I stayed there, half wanting him to show up, half hoping he wouldn’t.  I just miss him so much, damnit!  And I still want someone to hold me.  I want to be together with someone.  I want someone I can love.  Memories came over me and I let them.  Of the last time we were there, of times before that that we were there.  Things that I wished I could say came to me.

After a bit, I got up and walked to that ‘Devil tree.’  Oddly enough, there was part of a coconut shell at its base.  I had the crazy idea that Jason had planted it there, knowing that I would pick it up.  Then my mind skipped to that ‘mystery of life’ I was determined to solve when I was a kid.

I walked back to my car and was telling myself I should just leave . . . but found myself going to the college instead.  I parked, (there was actually a fairly close spot open!) and walked to the piano room, all the while telling myself that this was a direct break of my promise to myself, if I did see him and talk to him.  And that scene from Lord of the Rings when they’re about to go in Moria came back to me.  I heard Boromir saying in my head, “We should never have come here!”  And I couldnt; help thinking, ‘but they did.  And in some ways, it turned out for the better.’  But then I told myself I couldn’t justify breaking my promise by coming up with a Lord of the Rings scene.

Yet I found myself still walking to the piano room.

I don’t hate myself, so needless to say, I didn’t break my promise.  But it was more because I didn’t see him and didn’t search the campus any further than the piano rooms.  Heck, it wasn’t even that I wanted to break my promise.  I just . . .  I just wanted someone to kiss, to hold, and to hold me.

But I also realized as I was walking back to my car that as bad as I feel now, wanting that, I’d feel all the worse if I’d temporarily gotten it and broke my promise as a result.

I suppose, though, in more than a few ways, I’d basically be using someone if I did that.  Because notice, I don’t say a boyfriend.  I say someone I have feelings for who I can make out with and have hold me.

Okay, wow, I feel shallow right now.

::Sighs::  I just want to be loved right now, though.  Loved and needed and everything like I was in my dream.  And I want to have those feelings for someone else.  Someone who’s not going to break my heart.  Someone who will pick me first.  Someone who I do mean enough to to fight for.

And no one I’ve known, who I’ve been in any kind of beyond friends relationship with, has done that.  I’ve never been chosen first, even if I would have and did put them first.

::Sighs::