And I Still Love Him, But . . .

As I said, because of everything he’s going through, Drew and I are on hold.  I don’t know if I described it in here, but not too long after I told him how I felt, I realized that that feeling of loneliness I’d always felt before had disappeared.  Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I’m not alone.  Suddenly, I could be in a completely different town, completely different wherever from Drew, and I wasn’t alone.  It’s weird to explain.

I still don’t feel alone, even through this whole on hold thing, but . . .  I just wish I knew what was going on in his head.  He came over to my house last night around seven, (he worked until six at a second job he’s taken up,) and while it was comfortable, it was also strained.  Which is weird to try and explain, too.  I don’t think one personal sentence passed between us, and yet . . . he came in, and he was so gentle with my cats.  He didn’t mind them laying on his lap, or curling up next to him.  He’d pet them perfectly willingly, scratching their heads or under their chins.  I loved seeing him do that.  All I could do was smile at how lovingly he’ll treat them.

But at the same time . . .  Well, twice he went out for a cigarette.  Yeah, he’s fully back to smoking, and has been for about a month now.  ::Sighs::  Heh.  That promise went right out the window.  After Will, I always promised myself I would never fall in love with a smoker.  So much for that . . .

I’m a fool.  Plain and simple.  I’m an idiot.  The truth is, whether he actually does or not, Drew doesn’t act like he cares about me at all.  Most of the time, he acts like he’d rather I not be anywhere near him.  And I dread asking him anything about if he’s over me, if I should move on, etc., because A) all he’ll say to the ‘should I move on’ wquestion is that that’s something I have to decide for myself.  And B) he hasn’t answered me yet on whether or not he’s over me.  I don’t want to bring it up really, because he’s going through enough.  He doesn’t need my questions and me bringing this around to be about me.

But the reason I want to know is because 1) if he’s not over me, okay.  That makes coping with the situation at hand a Hell of a lot easier and explains his actions.  2) if he doesn’t know, again, okay.  It still explains his actions and just tells me to be patient and wait for the day he does know.  3) if he is over me, I deserve to know the truth so that I can work at getting over him, instead of being strung along in this hopeful state when I should just be told the truth.

The unfortunate thing is, I can’t figure this out on my own.  There’s evidence for all three categories there that keeps stacking up.

::Sighs::

What am I gonna do?  I love him . . .