An Interesting Question

Melanie posed an interesting question in her last note.  Why do I keep this diary when I know that other people, besides her, from the “real” world are reading it.  It’s a very good question.  After showing it to her, and writing that one entry entitled with her name, I could have just left off.  Decided that was it.  She’s seen it, and I don’t want anyone else to.  So, I could have changed the name, changed the password, and gone back to anonymity that this online diary practically guarantees.

So, why have I kept it?  Why am I writing in it now, when I have about a dozen journals that I can simply handwrite in?

Because this is a release.  It lets me get my thoughts out to the online world, to people I’ll probably never see, but who can offer support, and very often, do offer.  They leave notes saying they understand, that they’ve been there, done that.  That they’ve made it through, so, so will the person they leave the note for.  Not to mention, as Melanie wrote in, I believe, the first note she wrote to me, it’s a good way for us to keep in touch.

Yes, I am self-conscious about writing these things when I know that someone I at least knew is reading them and leaving me notes like the one I highlighted yesterday.  It’s not what the note says that bothers me, it’s the fact that the person behind it decided to remain anonymous.  To me, that’s just cowardice.  Yes, I’ve written my own anonymous notes, and I’m freely admitting that here, so no one can call me a hypocrite, but I never wrote anything insulting.  My anonymous have been in the intent to help someone, if I think my note would do anything.  I have no idea if they have, but, oh well.

I shouldn’t be afraid to write whatever comes to my mind.  Well, I do agree with that.  I guess I’ve been too self-conscious my entire life.  I’ve always beena fraid of what other people think of me, and even though I would have loved to when I was a kid, I never told someone exactly what I thought of them, even if I had the chance.  Not even in this diary have I typed exactly what I’ve thought of some people and their actions.

Well, Melanie was right.  This thing is written and kept up because of, and for, me.  And me alone.  Other people read it, but all they can do is react.  If they react badly, that’s not my problem.

Okay, with all that said, I’ll go on to what has semi been on my mind since Melanie and I met at Veteran’s Park.  Her boyfriend, Kenny.

I can’t help worrying that she’s TOO in love with him.  I mean, saying after four months that he’s the man she’s definitely going to be married to?  That she’s that in love with him and misses him that much?

Yes, I understand that she’s a twenty year old who is smart enough and emotionally strong enough to make her own decisions and to live her life the way that she chooses, but . . .  I don’t know.  I also know I’ve never met Kenny, but soemthing about what I’ve seen on her diary about him just makes me wonder.  It’s nothing more than that.  It’s no bad feeling, no intuition that I’m gonna listen to too late, nothing that major.  I was just left with a feeling of, “Huh . . .”

I mean, here’s an example.  They both filled out a survey, I guess it was a couple’s survey of some kind.  And for most of his answers that related to her body or what he first noticed about her, he put “her ass.”  That was just one of the “Huh . . .” things.  Because, while I gotta admit, she seemed to find it funny in her portion of the survey, I don’t see why it is.

Maybe that’s just their relationship.  Maybe they do a lot of joking around in public and leave the romantic moments to share between themselves, and only themselves.  I don’t know.  Again, I say, I’ve never even met the guy, and have opnly had a reconciliation with her recently.  And we haven’t talked much about our presents.

I see what she means about not knowing what to talk about now, since things are solved, fully solved now.  But I don’t think that’s what would stop us.  She leaves as long notes for me as I’ve seen in anyone else’s diary.  Maybe it’s just that when given time to think on our words, we have a lot to say, but when we talk on the fly, we’re unsure.

I am going to keep this diary.  It’s not worth it to get rid of it.  I don’t know who’s read it besides Melanie, but who cares?  I was thinking on this earlier, and kind of writing about it in my black journal.  Maybe Mike and I did get split off from a group two years ago.  But that group’s also split up and gone on to form other groups with the individuals.  And even I, though I didn’t realize it, had moved on to another group.  The group with Matt, Tom, Mike, Denny, Raj . . .  All the Magic card players at Eli’s.  It just took me this long to stop wishing that I could have everything the way it was several years ago.  I don’t want that anymore.  The only thing that I would want back, if I could get the chance would be my best friendship with Dolly.  But even that, I’ve realized, I can live without.  I have other people.  I know that now.

Bye for now. 🙂 🙂 🙂

–Notes–

Yeah I know what you  mean about writing in your diary. Its’ an way for me to release my feelings. I have two, one is my dark side, and the other is my over thinking, over analzying self. If you want to read it’s called Runt. Be warned ahead of time I am an strange and unusal person.
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i think those are the reasons that everyone keeps a diary. and everyone leaves anon. notes. i’ve gotten a few myself, and left some, too.
~laura ( unspoken.regrets )
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So if I leave an anonymous note in your diary and write about it in my diary it’s ok? Ok, fine. Done.
P.S. I choose to remain anonymous because you may take who I am into account, when all I want is to get a message across. Not make your opinion bias (not just you, it’d be with anyone. people can’t help it)