Alone All Along

It’s nearing the end of the second semester he’s been at Kean, and oh, look. Another damned conflict. At least this time it’s something tangible that I can comprehend the source of, instead of just some nonsense from a few things he claimed were mistakes to say in the first place…

Goddamnit!! Is there ONE freakin’ song on this CD I can listen to without being reminded of him? God . . . I wish I didn’t have the mental prowess that Joey says I do. He is right, in what he’s been saying in regards to me as of late. I do have a very high amount of mental strength. And right now, I wish I didn’t. I wish I had nothing as far as intuition, mental prowess, mental strength, I wish I could just give up, stop caring, put up a dark, impenetrable shell around myself. Because that way, while I’d never be truly happy, I’d never be betrayed again, because I’d have no hope left to be betrayed. And I’d never let myself get close enough to someone to be betrayed like that.

::Sigh:: If only, right? ::Shrugs:: I’m not built like that. So, Joey, especially you, don’t send me an alarmed E-mail telling me that kind of life is worthless, I’ll never reach my dreams if I live like that, and you care too much about me to let me live that way, okay? I know all that stuff already, and believe me, reading back over that paragraph, it’s not a life I want to live, anyway. It’s not a life I’d be able to sink down into.

Oh, well. I’ve been dwelling on everything with Jason in here lately. I might as well write about the rest of the crap I’ve been subjected to this week. Because, on Thursday, I went to work, and was there till one. I looked at the schedule for next week, and saw I didn’t have any hours. I was just on call for three different days. I’ve been thinking for a bit that my hours were being cut down, and did wonder about it. Not to mention that more than once, I’d thought about quitting. Well, at about five to one, Kerri comes in, and says that she needs to talk to me. As we walked to the back, I knew, she’s going to fire me. I was preparing myself for it. We ent to the back, and she said that there was another write up I had to sign. I don’t remember what this one was for, and that it would probably — Ah, yes, I remember what it was for. I worked on Wednesday, last week, for three hours during the late afternoon. And she said that after I left, that night, a bunch of clothes were found put back in wrong places, in clumps in wrong places, things like that. And how that just makes everyone’s job harder. You now what the kicker is, though? I didn’t put away clumps of clothes. Most of those clothes on the rollrack that I put back couldn’t be clumped. They were different things, most of them belonging in career-wear, and most of them individual things. Yeah, they might belong on the same rounder, but in different spots. But I had no defense on that, because it just makes it seem like I’m saying, “It wasn’t me, it was her.” Or, “It wasn’t me, but I don’t know who it was.” All in all, any defense I could try wouldn’t sound good, so I didn’t bother saying anything. But she said that the write up could cost me the job. ie–I would get fired. So, she was encouraging me to quit so I could still put Dots down as a reference. Any new job would just be told that I worked there from such and such a date to such and such a date, and that I quit. But that, coupled with everything that had happened Wednesday, heck everything that had happened from the start of the week, got to me as I walked out to the car, and I started crying. I cried all the way back to the house, then for a bit online because I was reading about Melanie’s time at the funeral and seeing Kathleen.

Then yesterday, my car hasn’t started for the past . . . not sure how long. About a week, maybe? No, not that long. Since Tuesday. It wouldn’t start Tuesday. Ah, yes!! Tuesday. I must write about that. In a way, though, it was more funny than depressing, but still. See, Tuesday, I was still going out of my mind with worry for Jason, but my mom had talked to someone she knows at the church she goes to. And he told her that this car place is hiring a new secretary when the old one is promoted. So, he told me I should stop down there a little after three on Tuesday, and talk to them. Well, my mom makes out like it’s this big deal, the whole nine yards, an interview, everything. So, I’m nicely dressed, I actually wore freakin’ make up, for Christsakes! And my car won’t start. So, I call my mom. She comes back from her job, because they’re nice like that, drives me over to where she works, and we got out of the car to switch places. Well, we both closed the doors after locking them. So, the keys are trapped in the car, with the car on!! While I said I’d stay there and fiddle with a hanger, to try and break int the car, my mom said she’d borrow another person’s car, drive home, and get my dad’s key. So, she did, and I got in, gave her the key back, and drove down to the car place. Little after three? Yeah, you could say that. I got there at about quarter to four! And after everything I did, make up, dressing so nicely, all of that, she glances at me, recognizes who told me to come, gives me an application, and then basically says, “Okay, thanks for coming,” when I handed it back.

Then yesterday, my aunt’s husband, (it’s just too weird to call him an uncle,) comes and jump starts my car, I drove it down to a gas station, left it on while I got gas, and drove to Staples since it was almost time to get Mike anyway. Well, I figured, ‘hey, the battery’s gotta be nice and charged by now,’ so I turned it off, and tried to turn it back on. I turned the key, and . . . nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing happened. So, I told Mike that, and we walked back to my house. Luckily, we’re talking a fifteen minute walk, but I was in my clunky platforms, and those are bad shoes to wear for distance. Blah . . . Anyway, we get back to my house, I tell my mom what’s going on, I drive her car over there, and call Triple A. They came a freakin’ hour and fifteen minutes later, and then he asks Mike to pop the hood. Mike does, and he figures out why it wouldn’t start. Some cable that connects to the battery wasn’t connected. He reconnected it, and it started up fine. So, I drove that one home, then walked back and drove the other one back. (I was in better shoes when I did this walk back.)

Oh, yeah. And every time I seem to think my mood couldn’t get lower, when was it? Not sure, but the first time, I’d written the entry, and then I see the notes from Jason. Then, last night, I’m looking, and I see Jason’s new notes. Mike said he literally felt waves of “I’m pissed off,” emanating from me after I read them. Well, that pretty much culminates my week, and how much it’s sucked. Start on Sunday night, go through till yesterday. Heck, I’m still waiting for something bad to happen today. Oh, yeah. One thing I didn’t mention. On Wednesday, my lower back was hurting, just like it’s doing now. It was odd, because I haven’t felt that kind of pain in awhile. But I did remember it well. Yet, I figured, “Nah, you’ve gotta be kidding me.” Well, it wasn’t kidding. Let’s just say that there are some definite weeks where I HATE BEING A FEMALE!!!!!

Yeah, so that’s the full extent of how much this week has sucked for me.

You know, minus the Jason stuff, I’m looking

back on this week and grimly smiling. If it weren’t for the stuff with him, I’d probably be laughing right now. Heh. At least there’s one bright side, if you can call it that. When I get around to writing all of this, it’s gonna make one Hell of a novel. Fiction. Peh. Who says you need to write fiction. I can just look around my life, and find plots.

No. I’m not disappearing into a reclusive life. I already know I can’t stop caring. And despite the possible outcome of me and Jason, I know I have other friends around me who will help me out.

–Notes–

“Thank You” from the bottom of my Heart and Soul for your Prayers for “Baby Hailey”, And yes I will keep updates for you and also keep checkng my diary. With All My Love…

Y

[MySweetPea1954]
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Don’t be sad… when someone as awesome as you is sad like this, it makes me sad… I’m sure next week will be better! So smile! Be like your name says! Be happy! You’re still alive, you’ve got friends, and if all else fails, I’ll walk all the way down to New Jersey and give you the bestest longest hug you’ve ever had [Angel Knight]