All The Pretty Words

Promises made are promises broken,
the ties that bind are all but spent,
and I thought you’d be there for me,
when we’re here at the end.

I don’t know. It’s one stanza, where I thought up the first two lines last night, and was lucky enough to remember them today. I don’t care . . . I read Melanie’s entry just now. I was already crying before, but that entry refreshed my tears, just because of what she said about him not being there. Not being there to see his one daughter grow up. Not being there to give advice to his son. Not being there to see his older daughter in married life. And she talked about how things like this make you put aside all the trivial aspects of life, all petty disagreements, and people really come together during these times, to show how much they care . . .

Half of me agrees with her for this opinion. Shares it, and respects and admires her for writing about it. But the other half of me is laughing. Just . . . laughing this . . . wild, insane, hurt laugh. Because I can’t help thinking that “Hey, people are coming together over someone being dead,” and that it’s such a naive and callous reason for people to come together. What. people are so busy with their own lives, their own pettiness, that they can’t even bother with their own neighbors unless someone is lying dead in a casket???

I’m sorry, Melanie. I know, I’m being callous and no doubt selfish in my own right, and I shouldn’t be saying these things the day of the funeral of a close family friend. I’m just . . . I’m sorry. But I’m hurt. These smilies do nothing to ease my mood, and my diary name does not fit my emotional standpoint.

:Sighs:: I wrote about what happened on Sunday night, and Monday morning. I think I wrote about Monday morning. I don’t care. No, in regards to Jill’s note, I’m not all right. Not by a long shot. Things started Sunday, and the ball has just kept rolling. I said before how I didn’t think the events of Sunday/Monday had climaxed yet? That there was still more to come? Well, last night I found out how right I was. I don’t know what Jason and I are . . . I’m severely torn between what I’m feeling right now, and what I said to him last night. And what I promised myself. And I take my promises seriously. I’ve learned over time that when you make a promise, unless there are some other circumstances surrounding the issue, such as someone being hurt by the promise that is kept, (ie-You know someone wants to commit suicide. You don’t keep it a secret, you tell someone so they can get help!), you keep it. I’ve learned the value of keeping my mouth shut. At this point, when I say I promise, I mean, I promise, and I will not let on what I’ve been told. I’m holding myself to that, because I made a promise to myself last night, and that’s why this entry won’t make a lot of sense until all you readers see it in my novel, and can read about the surrounding situation. I’ve realized Jason holds to no such moral code himself, however. I’ve realized he will break a promise as easily as blink, and probably not think twice about it, because, as he so often says, he “doesn’t care for what if’s?” He’s broken God only knows how many little, trivial promises to me before, but this one . . . It was brought to my attention last night that this one was a rather large something that he promised wouldn’t happen. Yet, it has. He broke his promise to me as easily as blink. All of his “pretty words” are nothing but that. Words. Words that have no shape, no form, and no meaning, because he’s puts no meaning behind them. And where does all of this leave me? Hurt. Hurt, and tear-stained, and wondering why the saying ‘what goes around comes around’ always comes around to bite me in the ass. Wondering why I bother, considering that he was, and for some uncomprehensible reason, right now still is, the most trusted person I know. Wondering who I can trust, who I should trust, if anyone’s truly worth trusting, because all I ever seem to get is betrayed in the end . . . Yet, I know that’s not entirely true. Jill never betrayed me. Melanie and I had an argument, but she ever betrayed me. Dolly changed and made some choices I definitely didn’t, and don’t agree with. But she never betrayed me. Joey has been nothing but a supportive friend, helping me out as best he can through his E-mails, and trying to help me have fun and be myself when we see one another. He’s never betrayed me. I can’t quote Young Sherlock Holmes on this one. Not unless I paraphrase, anyway. It’s more, at this point, like, “I don’t know what to feel.” Because I know what I have to do. It’s just gonna hurt unbelievably to have to do it. There is no comparison I can make.

“How do you block the sound of a voice you’d know anywhere?”—Insensitive, Jann Arden

Please . . . Tell me how . . .

–Notes–

Melanie? you know someone by the name of Melanie? COOL! I know someone by that name, too. she’s one of my good friends who is in the navy. 🙂 [Nora’s Diary]
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OK. yes, it’s under favorites only 🙂 [Nora’s Diary]
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I honestly don’t have any good advice for you on this situation. I wish I could help other than being someone to talk to, but I can’t. But you do know I’m here if you need me. Good Luck, and just follow your heart. Be strong! [SolarEclipse]
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🙁 I’m sorry Kate…you were dong so well…and I can’t even help you because I don’t know what happened. Perhaps if you wrote it out it WOULD help, I don’t know. It’s your decision. But it IS the only way that we, your friends, could help. BTW I hate to point this out like this, but, now you can see why I have such a hard time trusting people 100%. To quote the song Smiling Faces Tell Lies [Jill*Rose]
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I hope his promise is kept and you do not end up hurt. [Red Again Finnegan]
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that was just callous, to ignore the situation I got stuck in. I thought you were a bit more open minded than that. how does one choose between friends, no matter the caliber, and family? Like I told you, “blood, whether shed or shared still holds value”. maybe if you had a sibling…or something that would just help you understand where I’m coming from here… [Harlequinn’s_Tear]
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honestly, I’d rather you just out with the whole mess, on account you’re the better explainer. leaving people in the dark isn’t well to do. btw, my ass I blinked that promise away, you’ll never be in that situation, you haven’t the right to judge what you do not understand. I am offended by that, really. [Harlequinn’s_Tear]